The Psychic Change
I took a class in near death experience (NDE) as an undergraduate student, after I had been in recovery for about two years. I had been looking forward to taking this course since I first discovered it in the University catalogue—the psychology department at Montana State did not offer it often, so as soon as it appeared on an upcoming summer session schedule, I signed up right away. Dr. Bill Serdahely taught the class; he is a leading researcher in near death experience. I remember feeling incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to take such an interesting class taught by such a well-qualified professor. It was almost as though this class called to me on a deeply psychic level: ever since my attempted three suicides, which precipitated my final successful foray into recovery, I yearned to understand more about what had happened while I was in that coma.
Therefore, taking this class was part my insatiable thirst for self-understanding and knowledge: I was hungry to learn as much as I could about so many of my life’s experiences. Why was I given a second chance at life when so many people close to me, including my first husband, Michael Roberts, had not lived through the drug wars we had all been fighting?
My need to understand my own psyche drove my interest in psychology—which I am sure is why I decided to go in that direction, academically. Not only did I want to understand myself, I wanted to figure out why my father had hated me so much and why he had abused me. I wanted to understand why my mother had failed to recognize his abuse and had not protected me and why my sister had not warned me of what would happen.
I realize now how unstable I was during those early days of recovery. Early on, terrifying nightmares interrupted my sleep nearly every night, which was something new for me to deal with. I had not experienced nightmares since I was a child because drugs camouflaged my emotions—and my pain. I know now that my primary reason for abusing drugs was to escape those emotions but after recovery removed the drugs, I was vulnerable—naked in the grief of my past. I was not ready to face all those raging emotions in consciousness; therefore, they came forth in my nightmares. Almost every night, I would awaken terrified, angry and shaking from a horrifying nightmare. I was still lost in those early days.
As I sought to understand my father’s abuse of me, I also needed to know why I felt the need to continue his destruction on my own when he no longer had the means or the power to hurt me. He had passed the abuse torch on to me and sickeningly, I gladly took it—to the extent where it nearly ended my life.
However, slowly, throughout the miracle of recovery, I was finally ready to look into my life’s mirror and begin to face myself. I needed to know why things had gone so terribly wrong in my life to drive me to a desperation so severe it led me to three very serious suicide attempts—and why I had believed this was the best solution for my life.
After surviving that final suicide attempt, I needed to understand what happened to me when I lie in that coma for three long days, caught between life and death—because it was clear to me that when I regained consciousness, I had undergone a true transformation—a change so deep that my life would never again be the same. I cannot even say how I knew it—I had been a heroin and crack addict when I entered the coma after drinking an entire bottle of furniture polish (and yes folks—you did read that right). However, after I came out of the coma, I was a changed woman: somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that I would never be a drug addict again. On an innate level, I realized I was not supposed to die and since I was not supposed to die, that meant I had to live—and the only way that proposition was bearable would be if I changed—because I could not bear the idea of my life going on as it had, homeless and desperate on the street.
The course in near death experiences was as amazing as I thought it would be—and it helped me piece together what might have happened in that dark cocoon of a coma, where something spiritual was nurturing my psyche to heal, just as the doctors were working to save my physical being. Certainly, I’d had a ‘near death experience’ although it was not the same as you read about. As I read the stories of those who had the typical NDE we all have heard of, I felt somewhat cheated: I never walked down a long tunnel toward a light and I never experienced the pain and happiness of every life I had touched along my life’s journey the way you read of others’ doing. However, there was no doubt that it was a near death experience because certainly, I had almost died that night I drank the furniture polish.
The psychic change.
This was what I experienced: a psychic change. My transformation was drastic and deep-seated; it changed the way I viewed the world around me, how I interpreted my own life’s experience, and most particularly, how I viewed myself as a survivor rather than a victim. Although it would be many years before that psychic change would crystallize the person I was to become, the blueprint for the ‘new and improved Melinda’ was drawn up somewhere during that three day coma. I wanted to understand how this happened. I realize now that I likely never will; moreover, I realize that it is not even important that I do.
I’ve fantasized that perhaps it was my guardian angels—whose presence had never seemed that outlandish to me—after all, I had survived much more than most people would in my same position. There was even a spooky experience where I once came extremely close to being hit by a Muni bus in San Francisco; I literally felt a hand push me down to the ground, away from the bus—but when I looked around to see the hand, there was no one there. I even remember thinking at that time: “Oh! That was my guardian angel again.”
Although I am a scientist, I know there are mysteries in life that science can never explain—and my psychic change is one of those. I don’t understand it but I do believe it—and more importantly, I am so grateful for it.
Peace,
Melinda
p.s. I apologize once again for not having a podcast; I will be back in MA by the end of the week and will have my recording equipment again then.
Categories: Spirituality,Transformation and Change,Childhood Sexual Abuse,Crossroads,Death,Addiction and Recovery,Challenges,Healing the Past
Tags: spiritual awakening transforming oneself completely psychic change coma suicide attempts healing the past undergoing major changes in personality
"Furniture polish"! Wow, you have been through a lot. I have too been through abuse with my so-called father. You writing has really touched me and spoke on somethings that I have long buried. I used to be addicted to sleeping pills, but after a lot of prayer I am saved from that. Great post!
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Dee--I'm sorry to hear that you are also a member of that club that none of us wants to be a part of--survivors of childhood abuse. I am so glad to hear that you were able to recover from your addiction to sleeping pills and that you are doing well today.
Thanks so much for stopping by--
Melinda
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Goddamit, just lost another comment--your blog hates me, Melinda...or at least has feelings of hostility toward me that need to be worked out in some manner more productive than eating all my brilliant and well thought-out comments...though I'm sure they must be delicious and nutritious...
Anyway...the class on near-death experiences reminds me of a guy I knew who was taking this class on death and spirituality, or religious concepts of death, or something like that...at the Naropa Institute in Boulder, and had an assignment to create a death-related ritual of some kind. I would asusme what the professor had in mind was to describe a possible ritual and how it might be meaningful. He, however, decided to actually act his out, by going out in the mountains, digging a grave, and spending the night in it. This really didn't sound like a good idea to me, particularly given his very serious history of schizophrenia (not to mention that he'd told me he fear having another schizophrenic episode so much that he often thought of suicide), and, fortunately, the woman on whose property he was going to dig the grave also got a bit creeped out and declined permission. Not sure what ever happened to him.
Anyway, I can certainly see where surviving such a radical suicide attempt (a whole bottle of furniture polish really doesn't sound like a "cry for help") could cause a change of consciousness, with or without supernatural forces involved. Camus wrote that a person isn't fully living who hasn't contemplated suicide, since that means you're simply living passively, as opposed to making a conscious choice to die. So, to come that close to self-annihilation and come back...means that somebody, whether a guardian angel or simply your deepest self, feels very strongly that you need to be alive...so what can ya do but listen?
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Wow, Jay--I'm really sorry you lost your comment--that sucks that you had to rewrite it--but I am glad you did because this one is a dandy!
It does sound a little creepy to dig the grave and spend the night in it--I am really glad that was not an assignment in my class in NDE's. We all had to create a NDE--either one that we had really had or one that we would like to have if we came close to death. I, of course, used my own 3 day coma and that NDE--but I also embellished what happened--as to what my fantasy would be. In mine, I got to see friends I had lost during the AIDS epidemic in San Francisco in the 1980's and other lost to suicide or drug overdoses.
And no, my attempted suicides were certainly no cry for help--I was dead serious and even disappointed I had not succeeded once I came out of my coma.
Thanks for posting a great comment--twice!
Melinda
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Great post, Melinda. That class sounds fascinating. Once again I think you've written something that is magazine worthy. Dr. Jay's comment following your post made stopping here a full experience tonight.
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Wow, Lydia--thank you so much! That means a lot to me!
Melinda
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This is a very enlightening post, Melinda. I'm sad to hear about the detrimental experiences you have endured, but I am happy to know that you have gloriously recovered and now making the best out of your second chance. As they say, men and women are born twice.
You survived because it was definitely not your time to go and, yes, there are mysteries that science will never be able to explain. One of those mysteries is our intrinsic desire for self-annihilation, whether physical or spiritual.
I don't have any religion, but I do occasionally talk about it on my blog. I hope you don't mind if I share an excerpt from one of my articles that talked about self-transformation:
Jesus, as many of you know, possessed foreknowledge. He obviously knew he was going to die, but did nothing to avoid it. Some call it self-sacrifice, but to me, it basically appears he committed suicide. He surrendered himself to the will of God which is, in essence, his own “self.” He belongs to the Holy Trinity, remember? On the other hand, the Buddha was undoubtedly pissed off by the suffering he saw all around him. He didn’t want to go to that extreme by killing himself or by letting other people kill him, so he decided he’d remain conscious upon annihilating each and every aspect of his “self.” Thus, he became awakened.
Although I doubt that the christ and buddha archetypes had real human counterparts, what they represent, nonetheless, gives sense to some of the suspicions I have about existence. Furthermore, what your article taught me is that one can still experience consciousness change when self-destruction and divine intervention happens simultaneously.
Peace and respect,
Ryhen
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Ryhen,
Thanks for stopping by. You are absolutely right--it was not my time to die. And when I hear of others who feel suicidal, I try hard to pass along to them how happy I am that I never succeeded that cold winter night in 1994. But when people are hopeless, it is so hard to believe that life can change.
I really love the excerpt from your blog on Jesus and Buddha--that was awesome!
Take care--and thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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Melinda, Although, there was much pain in your life before your recovery but it still looks wonderful to me when you share your story in an inspiring way. You have really derived some great lessons from your painful experiences.
Your psychic change can prove to be a source of light for those who are still in the darkness.
I have been reading blogs since 2008 but I've not seen anyone else sharing their life experiences like you.
Respected Sister, Particularly, I'm much impressed by these final words of your post:
"Although I am a scientist, I know there are mysteries in life that science can never explain—and my psychic change is one of those. I don’t understand it but I do believe it—and more importantly, I am so grateful for it."
Thank you so much sister, for your blog often proves to be a source of light for me.
Peace to you too!
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Dear Ibn Hanif,
Thank you so much for stopping by--and as always, for your kind comments. I do believe that there is such a thing as destiny--and it was my destiny to survive my suicide attempt(s) and to finally find recovery. Although it was painful, I know there is a reason for the pain and that is to help those who are still suffering find peace and happiness through recovery.
Take care, my friend--
Melinda
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A very touching post. It certainly looks as if you have a purpose in this life, something that only you can do. This is probably why you have had to go through the things that you have.
Best wishes,
Mike
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Thanks Mike--I appreciate your kind comments and stopping by--
Melinda
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Melinda-what happened, I think, is that your fighting spirit, and thank heaven you have one, started fighting for you instead of against you. All that energy you were expending on being angry and miserable suddenly got pointed in another direction-toward being happy and whole. This is the transformation each one of us can make out of the darkness into the light. I believe that's the true work of the therapist and healer-to help people to redirect the power they have to love and enjoy life away from their self-inflicted forms of misery.
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Hey NP--as usual, I think your analysis is spot on. You might want to consider changing your name (as I have suggested before) to 'Always Profound'--because you are, my friend--
Take care--and thanks so much for stopping by and for your comments.
Melinda
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Hi, Melinda -
Thank you for this wonderful post. The inner transformation you felt when you knew you wouldn't be a drug addict again is the experience I always wonder about. I guess we have to be satisfied with the conclusion you reached that we'll never understand it in terms of rational explanation. But every description I read is so similar - that moment when you just know that a deep change has occurred. It seems like an experience of religious conversion, a spiritual transformation. I felt exactly that about depression years before the change was complete but the inner certainty kept me going.
Thanks again for sharing something so central to your life.
John
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Hi John,
So nice to see you!
Your comment was so insightful--and I think spot on. I agree that it is a religious/spiritual transformation--so deep that it simply cannot be understood on rational/scientific terms.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments--and for stopping by!
Melinda
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Hello hello Melinda!! Oh I almost missed this wonderful post!
I didn’t know that there were classes in NDE. That is really interesting and still you amaze me with your adventures in life, Melinda ^_^. I truly respect how you coped with everything that came on your path! And I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you, too lose so many loved ones and to keep on wondering why you survived and they didn’t. But they haven’t been forgotten and your story shall be told and in a way their story, their voice shall be told and heard through you! I think that is an amazing thing!
You got me wondering about the difference in knowing and feeling that you have to change, I think this a struggle you’ll always have in life. You can always think “oh I really need to change this or do things differently”…but if you don’t feel it, if you don’t feel the need to change, you won’t put it into action. I guess this “mental click” will come when it needs to come. When the time is right, you know it and the change will come naturally.
After my study I’ll be a scientist as well (haha! That sounds kinda funny), but there will always be an element in life you can’t explain and in my opinion it doesn’t really need to be explained. Of course you can gain more knowledge about it. But I have this feeling that the more you try to rationalize elements in life, the more confused you can get. Oh! This brings me to an aphorism of NP! He said “The order you seek is the confusion you feel.’ Yes, I simply love that sentence ^_^.
And I loved this sentence in your post: “The psychic change.” . It simply says it all!
Well I better stop typing now and work on some school stuff -_-. This comment is almost a post on its own haha!
Take care!
Ciao!
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Hey TJ!
Yes--isn't that amazing that there are classes in NDE? These days, there are some really interesting classes that fall under a lot of psychology programs!
I think change comes when we have no other choice in our life--at least that is how it came about for me. Continuing to live was simply too painful--so I did everything I could to try to end my life (I tried to end my life through drug addiction for years before I actually set out to deliberately commit suicide). When I awoke in that hospital from the coma, I simply knew that I could no longer go on. I had to change. I have heard others who had very hard and low bottoms say the same thing--that they had to get to the point where their lives had no other solution but to change. And I am so grateful for that.
I think many more scientists are reaching the conclusion that while science is a wonderful means for explaining many phenomenon, that there will always be areas of life which science can never explain. And that's a good think I think!
I also love that quote of NP's--he's quite a marvel, isn't he?
Thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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Pleasure is all mine! Yes really really interesting! And I think it's wonderful to have to have people surround you who recognize and understand what you've gone through!
And I fully second what your said! To leave something behind a veil can be less confusing and it leaves some things to the imagination. And I like that a lot more then rationalizing and explaining everything that happens in life.
And yes again, NP is amazing ^_^!
Ciaoooo!!
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You know, TJ--I have always thought there are some things that we aren't supposed to completely understand. Life has many mysteries--and we cannot rationalize everything!
Take care,
Melinda
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Thanks so much for stopping by! I appreciate it very much.
Melinda
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