The Bigger Package
Early in recovery, I was complaining about this and that (and likely everything!) to my good friend, Jim, who is also a wise Medicine Man of the Crow Tribe in Montana. He smiled patiently while listening to me and then turned, looking me directly in the eye.
“Melinda,” he said, “when you are all wrapped up in yourself, it makes for a small package.”
I sat back, surprised at his directness. However, his point once made, I thought about that quote a lot and realized he was right; I needed to get out of myself—to help others and become a bigger package. I suddenly realized that all the little ailments I was allowing to rule my life and my head (so petty that I cannot even remember what they were now!) that I was a small package. Jim helped me so much throughout my early recovery—and one of the many things he taught me was to understand the importance of service work and giving back to others less fortunate.
I thought about Jim and his quote just this last week as I was traveling with Les and became really sick—so sick, I could not even get out of bed without Les’s assistance. At one point, I actually wondered if I might be dying. I literally could not keep down any food at all for three full days—and felt pretty awful for another three days before and after. I do not know what the illness was—likely, it was a gastrointestinal flu although it also could have been food poisoning. I finally dragged myself to the doctor after the pounding headache and constant nausea worried me of becoming very dehydrated. The doc gave me something for the nausea and I am slowly but surely recovering.
However, while lying there, so sick, I started thinking about how really lucky I am to be as healthy as I am—at least, most of the time. Yes, I have a bad back and of course, I get the occasional cold or flu but other than these things, I am astoundingly healthy. As I have mentioned before, my mother has called my good health, “hybrid vigor” which she believes is the result of being a cross between having an American mother and an Egyptian father. In any case, I have been very blessed with this good health for most of my life; in fact, it is likely this ‘hybrid vigor’ helped me recover from heroin addiction with relatively few health problems.
As I lay there—feeling as though I really was dying—I became grateful for all the gifts recovery has brought me. It has given me my good health, my education, marrying the love of my life, having an interesting job that I love, and strong relationships with my mother and friends. Although I say my ‘gratefuls’ every night—they can become routine—where they become so automatic that you fail to think of the true meaning behind each grateful. I decided to rethink that all the way around.
One thing that always helped keep me stay grateful was working with women in the jails, prisons, and treatment centers in both Montana and Pennsylvania while I was going to school. Seeing those women every week was a strong reminder of how lucky I was to have found recovery. I really do believe that service work to others keeps us grateful, humble, and not to mention, it helps others.
We all have troubles in life—every one of us. Nevertheless, almost everyone I know is extremely fortunate. Nearly everyone I know has much to be grateful for; they have good health, people who love them, plenty to eat, and a warm and safe place to lay their heads at night. Yet I have come across several people recently who are incredibly wrapped up in themselves—in one way or another and I can see what Jim did—that when they are all wrapped up in themselves, it makes each of them a small package and one that others don’t really like to be around.
What is the best way to get out of yourself? Service work! Go volunteer for a soup kitchen on a Saturday, or help the elderly by delivering Meals on Wheels, or stock shelves at your local food bank—there is a multitude of ways to give back and in these tough economic times, our communities need volunteers. When I was working at the jails every week, I almost felt high when I left each evening. It feels good to help other people and it puts our own troubles into perspective. Because everywhere I have ever volunteered—whether it was at a food bank, a battered women’s shelter, or trying to help women in jail and prison find resources for recovery, it reminded me of the fortunate aspects of my life and put those less than optimal aspects way on the back burner. But the best part of it all—was helping others less fortunate than I am.
It has been a while since I have done that service work and I plan to change that. I plan to get back to that mission: working with women who are abusing drugs and helping them find the resources to change the direction of their lives.
I want to become a bigger package again. How about you? 
Peace,
Melinda
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Categories: Personal Development,Health,Gratitude,Addiction and Recovery,Healing,Challenges,Illness,Happiness,Courage
Tags: giving back personal development volunteering health illness service work becoming a better person
Great reminder for all of us. I volunteer at the local soup kitchen during the holidays but I really should do that year round. In fact, I think I will!
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Good for you, Mike--and don't feel bad about only volunteering during the Holidays--that's way more than most people do. I have gotten a little complacent myself but I plan to do a lot more volunteering. In fact, I was working on that just today!
Thanks, as always, for stopping by--
Melinda
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And part of helping others is letting them know they don't have to be trapped in such tiny packages either. I'm often struck with the recovering addicts I work with, many of whom are functionally illiterate, how much I can have simply by telling telling them that they're intelligent and capable of learning...
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Absolutely, Jay--and what an excellent point. My experience with recovering addicts is very much like yours--they often believe they are powerless to change and have a better life. So often, the women I worked with feel deserving of the many terrible things that have happened to them. The 'learned helplessness' is a bitch to deal with.
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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When I was a destitute mother of two small children, my doorbell rang very early one Christmas morning...a day that had been destined to be celebrated in spirit only. On my front stoop was a large cardboard box containing a chunk of fresh Hubbard squash, potatoes, cranberry jelly, butter, bread, seasonings, a pumpkin pie and a fresh turkey! Also included in the box were two wrapped packages with simply "boy" and "girl" written on them.
I was so grateful for that box that once I pulled myself out of those depths (it took more than a decade) I began putting together similar boxes each year, dropping them off at a local street mission that served the working poor.
We don't have similar missions here, but I have friends who live in the local shanty towns. I am affluent now, they are only marginally less destitute than I was in those days. In the absence of the missions to distribute these food boxes, we just give them to friends who might otherwise have only a bowl of cornmeal porridge for their holiday meal.
Thursday is trash day in my neighbourhood and every Thursday morning there are people going through the bins looking for things they can sell...or eat. Periodically I get a stack of R10 notes (about a dollar) and give them to these people as I drive past them. R10 isn't enough to go far towards supporting an addiction, but it will buy at least two meals at McDonalds or KFC...in the US I used to give hamburgers to the people standing at freeway entrances holding "please help" signs.
I sometimes find myself wishing I had BIG money so I could make BIG charitable gestures but then, when I think about it, I think maybe it is better to look into the eyes of the people I am helping. It helps keep me humble and grounded and grateful for the blessings in my life.
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Wow--what a wonderful story about waking up on Christmas morning--the wonderful spirit of humankind really shines through in that story, SV! And how wonderful for you to give back in the ways that you do--which is so important.
It is a real conundrum as to whether or not to give money to people who are beggining on the street. Personally, I like your approach--I either give them very little money--only a dollar or two--or better, I like to go into a nearby restaurant and buy some food and give it to them.
I am really hoping that the Melindaville Foundation will grow enough to the point where I will be able to help many people. At least that is my goal!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Melinda
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Thanks! I love this. I am glad you are better. Yes, I think service is so important. As a mom of young kids I sometimes I feel I should be out there doing more but then I realize that being there for kids is also a kind of service.
warmly,
Erika
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Hi Erica,
Thanks so much for stopping by! And how right you are. Today, I teach child development and believe me, nothing is more important than being there for kids. That's a truly great way of giving back and if everyone did her/his job on this aspect, our world would certainly be in a much better position.
Take care,
Melinda
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SweetViolet's story brought tears to my eyes as it provoked an old memory. My mother was also grateful to find a box like the one she describes had been delivered to our doorstep by members of a local church. She thanked the couple who delivered "the poor box" and waved to their kids, who were watching from the curb as she accepted the box.
We opened our "gifts" on Christmas morning and the two youngest children were delighted with the gifts they got (a teddy bear and a doll). We older children had seen the delivery and were well aware of the stigma attached to receiving a "poor box". We opened and then and ignored the gifts we got as our Mother watched us with sad eyes.
The next day when we attended Sunday service the two youngest kids were carrying the doll and teddy bear they received from the "poor box". The greeters were the very same family who had delivered the box to our doorstep. The lady picked up my little sister clutching the new doll and told her how happy she was that my sister liked it. Her husband crouched down and told my little brother he was so glad had he liked the teddy bear he had picked out just for him. We older kids stood in stony silence watching this and wishing we were anywhere else but where we were.
The service seemed to last a lifetime but finally came to an end. As we filed out the front door of the church the greeters’ 3 children, who were close in age to us older kids trotted along beside us asking if we liked our gifts that they had helped select. Under our mother's watchful eyes we mumbled polite, "yes, thank yous” while keeping our eyes on the road ahead.
When we reached home we removed our boots and coats and helped the two youngest take theirs off. We were sad and shamed so there was no laughter and teasing on this day after Christmas. We sat quietly at the table not making eye contact with each other as Mother put a kettle of water on the wood stove and then got the Bible from the bookshelf. She sat down in her chair once more, served us each a cup about 1/3 filled with tea sprinkled with white sugar, and then she read us these Bible verses from the book of Matthew 6: 2- 4.
"So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. When you give to the poor, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you."
We finished our tea and as each one of us asked for permission to leave the table our mother hugged us and told us she loved us. We bundled up to haul coal, wood and water into the house and spilled out the back door onto the porch. There stood the pastor and his wife with two more cardboard boxes in their hands. “Happy Boxing Day!"
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Wow, Timethief--what a wonderful story! You know, my dear--I think you might very well have a memoir in you. I find the stories of your childhood so fascinating--and iindeed, what you have overcome yourself is truly inspirational.
I absolutely loved the message behind this well-told story. I could see this as a blog post someday if you are ever interested in revealing more about your early life
But as my mother-in-law (R.I.P) who was so wise used to say, "There's a readiness for everything."
Take care, my friend--
Melinda
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I am glad you are recovering, Melinda.
From my own experience of being almost completely broke earlier this year, I know just how important the smallest kindness can be.
So now I try to repay that whenever I can. We have a local magazine here called The Big Issue that homeless people sell for an income. So I buy that.
And I've been known to hand both money and food to someone begging on the street. But generally I go about my way quietly. I prefer to keep these acts in perspective - what was once done for me, I now do for others whenever I can.
Not everyone has been in desperate situations and I'm happy for those people. But there's nothing like offering whatever you can offer to another person, wanting nothing in return.
I think it just makes me feel more human. And the more human I can be, I think that's a blessing.
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Svasti--
We have the Big Issue here in Cape Town, too...and we buy it as well. But sometimes it becomes up close and personal...
Yesterday my maid came to me saying there was a lady at the front door asking for me. As I went to the door, she told me it was a "hungry lady wanting food." The woman at the gate had a small child with her and as I listened to her story, Thandiswe was already in the refrigerator taking out left overs and putting them in plastic bags...we have a policy that no one who comes to our gate hungry goes away in the same condition, and she knows it.
I never reached the point of having to beg from door to door to feed my kids but it was my greatest fear for many years. How much that woman must love her children to be willing to humble herself to ring a stranger's doorbell and ask for food. I always wish I had more to give them...
Like you, it took reaching the point of needing help from others to make me realize how meaningful that small private gesture can be. And like you, I find it is not an entirely selfless act...I derive an equal, if different kind, of benefit.
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Wow, SV--how wonderful that you helped that poor lady out. That's a wonderful policy that you have and it really brought tears to my eyes, reading of your kindness.
And yes, you are so right--we definitely benefit from our kindness to others. I know I do.
Melinda
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Hey Svasti--
There is a similar newspaper in San Francisco that the homeless people sell--and like you, I buy that from them whenever I see them.
I so very much agree with what you said about it making you feel more human. And I can say, from my experience, that if others hadn't helped me so much along my way, there's a good chance I would not be here right now.
Take care, my friend!
Melinda
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Wow, Melinda...I always get so much from what you write. I am so sorry your were feeling ill, sweet sister. I am glad you are feeling better now. I really needed to read what you ahd written, because I was sitting on my pity pot a little bit. My aunt had e-mailed me about my health issues and my daughter, both of which are situations I don't like to dwell on, but in replying to her I basically was feeling the feelings attached to the situation. I forgot about my blessings...I get to go to a job that I love most days, where I get to make a difference in the world. I get to impact kids, love them, teach them and make a difference in their lives. I have a beautiful home which I love. I no longer live below the poverty level, I am not struggling to feed 2 small children..trying to decide whether to buy milk for the kid's cereal or gas so I can drive to a housecleaning job. I have done my best with what I have been given...I try to leave things better than I found them...and in the end...I guess that this is all I really can ask from life...so when I mourn about the situation with my youngest child, or with my son, or even over the (emotional)distance between me and my eldest child, since she seemingly has chosen the path of functional alcoholism that so many of my family members have followed...I know that this is all Maya: illusions of this world...it all gets back to the messages of early recovery...I am responsible for myself and my recovery...all I can do is my best...and leave the rest to God/dess. Things will be as they are...all I can do is do my best, then accept what comes...
T
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It sounds as though you really do have chances to impact people's lives in good ways--and that you do impact people in positive ways. How wonderful that you get to work with kids! To me, nothing is really as important as working with kids--because they are the future, for sure.
I'm so sorry for the oldest daughter's alcoholism. All any of us can do is to hope that she comes to the realization that life is better in recovery. As I mentioned in another comment just yesterday--as my mother-in-law would have said, "There's a readiness for everything." Hopefully, your daughter finds that readiness very soon, Tricia.
Thank you so much for stopping by, my friend--
Melinda
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Was it not swine flu? Wow, so sorry you were so sick and I hope you take it easy to heal fully.
This post reminds me od a possible hole in my life. Thank you, Melinda.
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Hi Lydia--I did have the swine flu earlier but this was something else. This was like extreme nausea with the worst headache I've ever had, along with a fever but with no other cold/flu symptoms. It was horrible! But I do feel much better now
Thanks for stopping by, Lydia!
Melinda
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Melinda, Your post is a great reminder of becoming "The Bigger Package". I appreciate your efforts very much. I think you have really proven yourself a bigger package even for me, you are one of the best reader of my blog and you inspire me to continue writing without expecting any wordly reward from anyone except my God.
I am very sad to read about your illness. Although, I am an oridinary reader of your blog with an honor of reading your posts from a distant country but I get sad when I come to know that Melinda, my teacher is suffering from pain.
This latest post convinced me so much that although I had read it on the very 1st day when you published it but I was unable to find words of thanks and appreciation to write here.
Melinda, I truly feel You are a Bigger Package.
May Allah give you more stregnth to keep helping, motivating and teaching others. Ameen!!!
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Awww, thank you so much, Ibn Hanif--you humble me with your kind words. You are also a great teacher my friend.
I am recovered from my illness (thankfully!) but it was a great reminder of how grateful I must be for my normal state of excellent health.
Thank you, as always, for stopping by--
Melinda
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What a great post.
The key to happiness is in thinking about and helping other people. Those who worry only about themselves are rarely happy. Well said Melinda.
Jim
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Thank you so much, Jim! Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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People tie themselves up into knots thinking about themselves, worrying about their past, present and future. The best antidote is to do something, and teaching and helping others is a great thing to do. That's why I always loved coaching gymnastics. Seeing the smile on a child's face when they master a fear and learn a new skill is priceless.
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Hi NP--I have the same type of feeling about teaching that you do--it truly is an avocation to me and not just a profession. I had some great teachers in my academic career and I am really committed to being the type of teacher I appreciated when I was in school.
That's wonderful that you used to coach gymnastics. Kids are so great to work with, I think.
Melinda
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Hi, Melinda -
Great reminder! When I see someone who is "wrapped up in herself" (or when I catch myself being that way), I always think, "Well, she needs (or I need) bigger problems!"
One way to get bigger problems is to care about and be in service to others.
Thanks for reminding us of this!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
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Exactly, Marie! Thanks so much for stopping by!
Melinda
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I used to do more volunteering. But, since my depression it sounds overwhelming. Also, now with my respiratory problems and immune system problems, I am ordered not to work in anyway for now. Although it is somewhat isolating, I find great pleasure in blogging as what I write often helps others.
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Hey CC! Nice to see you and long time, no see. You definitely help others with your blogging--no question about that. I am sorry to hear that you are continuing to have respiratory and immune system problems! Could it be Lupus? I have two good female friends who both have Lupus and I think there is an increase in this disease.
Take care of yourself, CC!
Melinda
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Thanks for asking, but it isn't lupus. They think that my pneumonia was so severe that my body has not been able to recover. Oh, to add more stress, I wrote and mailed one of "those" letters to my mother. Yikes.
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Hi CC--I am really glad to hear that it isn't Lupus but sorry to hear that you are body became so weakened by pneumonia.
Take very good care of yourself and try to keep that stress under control! Stress is so linked to both our physical and psychological health (as you know
Melinda
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Melinda, I am back on your post "The Bigger Package". Infact, your post reminds me of a hadith of Muhammad (Peace be upon him) wich I wanted to share here:
"He who removes from a believer one of his difficulties of this world, Allah will remove one of his troubles on the Day of resurrection; and he who gives relief to a hard-pressed person, Allah will make things easy for him in this life and in the hereafter; he who covers up (the faults and sins) of a Muslim, Allah will cover up (his faults and sins) in this world and in the Hereafter. Allah (God) helps His slave as long as the slave helps his brother......"
Melinda, thank you again for this great reminder.
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Wow--thank you so much for posting that, which is absolutely beautiful and so in keeping with my post. I appreciate your sharing it with me and my readers.
Thank you, my friend--
Melinda
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Just this last weekend I spent all Saturday with our children - from the moment they got up until the moment they fell asleep.
It reminded me why I loved being a Dad again, and your post just reminded me of it too.
Our time is the most valuable thing we have to give, and the most rewarding in return, isn't it...
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Time is what it is all about. Giving time to others, appreciating time, making the most of it. How wonderful that you had such fun with your kids, Jonathan--and you know, I have a feeling you are quite an amazing dad. Your kids are very lucky!
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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Ciao Melinda! How are you? Are you feeling better? I'm not so bad myself, I still have a minor cold though...really annoying, but it gets better!
I love, love this post! I do want to become a bigger package myself! The rewards that you can find in a smile, a hug are bigger than everything else. I volunteered when I was a bit younger by helping out kids. I love working with kids. Their imagination, free spirit and innocence is simply amazing. I still donate toys and clothes whenever I can, but when I get the time and chance I want to do more than that! At the moment I feel so caught up in all that I do, so I would feel guilty if I do something and not putting my heart in it.It's just like Jonathan said about 'time', it really is the most precious thing we have to give.
I also really liked SweetViolet's and TimeThief's story. Truly inspirational!
Take care and write you soon!
*hugs*
TJ
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Hey TJ! Nice to see you and glad to hear you are feeling better although I'm sorry to hear you still have a cold. I am feeling so much better! In fact, I feel completely healthy now (finally!).
TJ, you are a bigger package! I know you are--you have the kind of spirit that really touches other people--it is so apparent in how you interact with others and that is such a gift!
I really love working with kids myself and have done quite a bit of that--working with kids who have been abused--it's very rewarding but extremely hard at the same time.
I really agree with you on SV and TT's stories--both touched me very deeply.
Take care, you!
Melinda
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Ciao Melinda! You are so sweet! I really don't know what to say, except thank you. Really!
Each day I'm doing better. So I will be perfectly fine soon. I'm really happy that you are feeling completely better!! It sounded so awful and even painful! But it is all in the past now! Safe traveling & stay healthy okay!
Take care & Write you soon,
TJ
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You too, TJ--and thank you so much for stopping by!
Melinda
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We should always try to help others and vice versa.
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The golden rule is a very good one, I agree!
Melinda
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Hey Melinda,
Transcending even the biggest packages, you've been named a Floating Glowing Being of Pure Love over at my blog. Just thought I'd letcha know...
DrJ
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Woo HOO, Jay--I am heading over there now!
Melinda
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