The Broken Places
I apologize for not having a podcast this week—Les and I are currently traveling and I forgot my recording equipment at home and I have not yet found a suitable replacement on the road.
My wonderful friend, Edward Hemingway (yes of that Hemingway family) has been helping me figure out a title for my book. For that matter, he is also doing my book cover, as he is one of the most gifted illustrators I have ever seen.
I received an email from him a couple of days ago with a suggestion for ‘The Broken Places’ (or just ‘Broken Places’), which drew me in right away. He told me it was part of a favorite quote of his grandfather’s, which in its entirety reads:
"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."
Since Eddie sent me that title suggestion, I have not stopped thinking about that quote—and the ‘broken places’ in my life and how strong (or not) I really am.
I do not believe I was originally strong at the broken places—and truly, some people are. The ones who are strong that come to my mind are people like Barack Obama, born in a turbulent time of racism to an African father and white mother. I know from my own experiences of being discriminated as the child of an Egyptian father and American mother that this experience tests you; I was not strong enough to rise to the test as our president did. I think of others such as Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey, and the countless others born in the same terrible condition of childhood sexual abuse that I was born to, yet who rose to the challenge of those very tough beginnings. I did not rise as they did.
I was simply not strong enough at the broken places—which is why I nearly threw my life away. My strength was forced upon me by others who believed in me far more than I believed in myself—others such as Tim Callahan, my mother, my mentors, my spiritual advisors—all of them lifted me with their own strength and carried me until I was strong enough to carry myself.
I became strong through their strength—and their strength allowed me to heal those previously broken places.
But because I had to learn to be strong at the broken places, those places are still broken to a certain extent—and I honestly don’t know if they will ever be as strong as they likely would have been if I had never been broken at all.
As a child, I remember my mother taking extreme care in mending various pieces of glassware that had become broken—she used to love to glue and she was very good at it. She was so good at gluing the pieces together that it was nearly impossible to see where they had been broken originally. But if you looked very carefully, you could see the fine lines where the glassware had been broken—and even the most careful, intricate gluing could not change the fact that they had indeed, been broken.
I am that glassware. Those who glance quickly cannot see where the lines bearing evidence of my breaking occurred—but those who know me well –or those who are very perceptive will recognize those breaks because they do exist. They are part of me—I am not and I will never be as strong as if those broken places had never occurred. Nevertheless, I can exist in a world with other pristine pieces—and many will never know.
I have learned to become strong at the broken places.
Peace,
Melinda
Categories: Personal Development,Childhood Sexual Abuse,Healing the Past,Courage,Writing the Memoir
Tags: writing the memoir courage becoming stronger healing the past Edward Hemingway strength Ernest Hemingway the broken places childhood sexual abuse
Ciao Melinda!! Oh that book title is simple perfect!
Edward Hemingway is such a amazing illustrator! I really love his work! What an honor to work with him! I can't wait to see the end result ^_^!
Take care! TJ
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Ciao TJ!
Eddie truly is an amazing artist--and an amazing person! I agree with you that the title is perfect--but you know, he came up with another one that I really like also. I cannot decide between the two (which is a great dilemna to have!).
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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Oh how exciting ^_^!! It must feel so amazing! I'm so excited for you haha. You really don't wanna know how I sit behind my PC...okay wait I shall tell you...I'm totally wrapped in with my scarf, because I rubbed Vicks on my throat and I'm trying to do a happy dance, but I can't move too much otherwise the whole room is spinning hehehe.
I'm sure that you will make the right choice. I think I would look at which title that feels the most complete to you. And if you say that title a couple of times and you get excited every time you hear it, then it is the right one! At least in my case haha. I work a lot with my 'feelings', I guess.
But maybe you already now in your heart which one you are going to choose! Will you have a subtitle as well? Have I already told you how excited I am for you!! Yeeey, I'm so happy for you!!
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Hi TJ--
Oh you poor thing--do take care of yourself! And hahahahahaha--I can just picture you all bundled up in your scarf!
The other title is "Over the White Rainbow" which I also like. The White Rainbow is often referred to as a term for heroin addiction. And since "over the rainbow' is a song AND I am 'over my heroin addiction, I really like the double-entendre. However, I also like the Broken Places.
I do think I will use a subtitle--but I am not at all sure what that will be! Hahahahah--if you think of a suggestion, do let me know!
Thanks for your happy dance, my friend!
Melinda
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Hahahaha I went straight to bed after my last comment. Was way too tired. But today I feel a lot better!
But, I totally understand the difficulty in choosing! 'Over the White Rainbow', that one sounds sounds pretty perfect to me too. It captures all the elements! Hmm let's see...can't you combine those two together? Like
'Over the White Rainbow - Pass the Broken Places'
Or would that be a bit too much? I mean, too much trying to grab all the elements? haha at the moment it sounds kinda good to me ^_^!
Oh do let me know what you end up with!
Take care and happy traveling!!
TJ
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Hey TJ--I do think I like Broken Places best--I am really drawn to it plus I love the entire Hemingway quote . . .
I will definitely let you know what I come up with. Also, I apologize for my delayed response. I have also had a terrible flu/food poisening the last 36 hours--yuck!
Melinda
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Oooh that doesn't sound good
I knew it ^_^! The title that appeals to you the most will stick! Yeey!
Take care! TJ
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Thanks, TJ--it has been horrible! But I am finally starting to feel a little better. One piece of good news--I think I lost a few pounds! hahahahahahah. I do agree with you--when the 'right one' happens, I will know it.
Melinda
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Absolutely lovely post Melinda. And I agree with your friend, "Broken Places" would be an awesome title for your book!
It has a really great ring to it and if you choose that title, I'm sure it would really work for you!
Ah the broken places. Sounds to me that (just a little bit) you are judging yourself because you weren't as strong as others who dealt with similar issues to you. I don't think that's fair.
One of my biggest struggles in the last few years was dealing with the fact I was "only" assaulted once. Not daily, like many other women. So what right did I have to be so upset?
Of course, that's ridiculous. Pain is pain. But I hear in your post the same sort of judgement that I applied to myself. And that makes things harder than necessary.
How we all deal with our broken places is so individual. Who cares if you weren't as stong as Obama or Oprah (according to you)? Fact is, you're here and you're writing your amazing story and you're helping others by doing so.
We all get our strength in different ways, too. It makes no difference to me that you had yours "forced" on you. That doesn't make you lesser than someone who figured it out on their own.
Instead it makes you someone who is capable of learning and being able to let go of what was in order to grow. You did that, and for me, that's one of the most important qualities of a human being.
You are strong at the broken places, and you are also like everyone else. Because as I'm sure you know, everyone else has their own version of broken places. Even if their story isn't quite as wild as yours!
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You know, Svasti? I really needed to hear what you wrote--and I thank you for that. It kind of reminded me of something I might say to someone else, had they written what I did.
I have heard others tell me that because they were only emotionally or verbally abused as a child that they didn't feel their abuse was as significant as say, mine, was--and I always tell them just what you told me: pain is pain and none of us can judge one pain as being worse than another's.
You are a wise teacher my friend--and thank you for stopping by--
Melinda
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I like the title, too...it speaks to me. The thing about broken places is that in order to fix them, we must first find them. I have come to realize that I have not found them all, I likely will never find them all, and that my life's journey will always have the component of finding...and fixing, if possible...broken places.
I am not sure that those places being stronger is necessarily a good thing, though...perhaps retaining your vulnerability in those broken places is more a blessing than a curse.
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Wow, SV--how insightful this comment was:
"The thing about broken places is that in order to fix them, we must first find them." How very right you are about that! And you have also given me something to chew on in thinking about the importance of retaining one's vulnerability--there is definitely truth to that as well.
Thanks for stopping by--and I really hope you are feeling better!
Melinda
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Hey! I picked your blog for the One Lovely Blog Award, a meme. You can read about it in my blog. Hope you're doing good!
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Sami--thank you so much! I will be sure to stop by when I am feeling better--and I apologize for my delayed response. I have also had a terrible flu/food poisening the last 36 hours. Thank you again!
Melinda
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how interesting to spend time gluing back something glass and broken - and doing it so well. it feels so metaphorical for so many things. and, even the notion that when we can't put people or relationships back together, we can attempt to have some semblance of control or return to normal by putting something that is tangible back together.
Also, very interesting about edward hemingway. how very cool!
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I think Edward Hemingway's suggestion "Broken Places" is an excellent title for your book and I'm delighted to hear you are moving forward with the book.
As for me, thanks to your courage and Shirley's when it comes to sharing your stories of child abuse, I've been in therapy since May and in a group of adult survivors of child abuse.
Although I may not be able to find all my broken places and may not be able to mend them all when I do find them the first step for me has been to acknowledge them and examine them as an observer. I'm mending those that are fixable as I go and the others are waiting for the right time and circumstances for me to understand where the breakage is, how it came to be, and what I can do to deal with them in the here and now to and begin the process of moving towards mending them.
I have uncovered four different types of fear that prevent me from resolving conflict with family members.
(1) Fear of failure - My introverted personality type and reluctance to face and conquer the fear of relationship failure has led me to develop a life-style involving a minimal amount of interaction with some family members. Among those family members are those who were ignorant of the abuse myself and my siblings endured. They continue to dwell in ignorance because I have lacked the courage to communicate with them at all. Although they did try to form relationships with me when I was young I was cold. I rejected their attempts to get to know me at all as a child, as an adolescent and as an adult.
(2) Fear of rejection - Sometimes it seems easier to ignore a broken relationship than to suffer the pain of rejection again by attempting to mend them. By keeping some family members who I did have relationships with at one time distant from me, I have protected myself from being hurt and from being hurtful but the result is thin and worn patches in the family tapestry.
(3) Fear of intimacy - Emotional intimacy cannot happen unless or until one becomes vulnerable and once that vulnerability is exposed it takes work and commitment to maintain a relationship with someone who has come to know who we are and what shaped us. My fear of intimacy is HUGE and I acknowledge that it has held me back from allowing others to find out who I am.
(4) Fear of success - By refusing to meet my fears of failure, rejection and intimacy I have remained in a strange sort of comfort zone in the midst of conflict and broken relationships that typifies my family. Success in creating relationships with distant family members brings many challenges with it as success demands attitudinal and behavioral change, as well as, more responsibilities and commitments.
These are the four fears I wrestle with every day. I have learned much about myself and my fears from reading your posts, and I thank you for sharing your past and present with your readers in such an open and honest way.
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Timethief--thank you so much for such an insightful and thoughtful comment. And thank you so much for your kind words and your continuing support of the Melindaville Blog.
I apologize for my delayed response. I have also had a terrible flu/food poisening the last 36 hours. I'm still not up to writing much at this point!
Melinda
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I love the site. You have a lot of good posts here. I have a site as well that provides inspiration and guidance to people around the world. I was wondering if we could do a link exchange, so we can tell our visitors about both of our sites. Let me know.
Jason
TheWISDOMWALL.com
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Jason--thanks so much for stopping by. I do have links that I exchange with like-minded blogs (friends of Melindaville). I will definitely check out your blog and tell you if I think exchanging links would be appropriate for the two of us. Also, I apologize for my delayed response. I have also had a terrible flu/food poisening the last 36 hours.
Melinda
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First, Melinda, I hope you are feeling better.
Second, (I seem to be into framing my blog comments into sections right now) -- I agree with Svasti. We all deal with these things on an individual level, and each person has a different set of characteristics and support systems. While you went through hell as a child and as an adult, you pulled yourself through.
Third -- I understand this idea of not being able to totally escape these sorts of experiences, for good and bad. There are broken places and that's just the way it is (I'm thinking of me here, really, don't want to force my ideas of myself on you, but it seemed to fit the discussion). We can't be remade, but we can come through stronger in other ways. The places that stayed intact are strongest of all.
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Hey Jennifer,
Great comments--and I do agree with you. I have actually been rethinking the entire "broken placres" concept and how it fits in with my life. I like the quote very much, in its entirety--and I would agree that "Broken Places" does not tell my entire story. Back to the drawing board--or perhaps I will go with "Over the White Rainbow" which does speak to me and also gives a promise of humor--which is definitely part of my story.
As always, thank you for stopping by!
Melinda
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Melinda-don't overanalyze yourself. You're fine as you are. Sure you're not perfect, who is? All this talk of weaknesses and broken places doesn't get a person anywhere. We all know how strong and courageous you've been-so be happy with yourself and who you've become.
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Thanks, as always, for both your support of Melindaville and for your insightful comments. You (as well as a few others) have made me rethink the entire thing. I think you made some great points.
Thanks again,
Melinda
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Melinda, I also liked both of the titles suggested by Edward Hemingway.
Melinda, but I also think that there are no more marks of broken places left in your personality. For me Melinda Roberts Tyler is not like a glassware but she is like a Goldware wich can't be broken easily. If broken then goldsmiths bring a goldware back in a more useful shape.
For us, your readers, Melinda and Melindaville are very previous.
Melinda, I am here in Kashmir for 10 days of leave from my job (I work in Lahore, Pakistan).
Melinda, do you know that Kashmir is called a paradise on earth but I was unable to forget about beautiful and inspirational posts of Melindville even being in this paradise of Kashmir.
Wish you all the best !
Your Reader from Kashmir,
Ibn Hanif
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Ibn Hanif--
You make me want to visit Kashmir--and when I read this response--I was filled with that warm glow of your friendship and love that I spoke about in my last response to you. Thank you again, so much for that.
I have always wanted to go to Kashmir--my husband occasionally does get to Kashmir but it has been awhile since he has gone. I hope to someday be able to travel with him there. Thank you so much for your wonderful comments about Melindaville--they are very meaningful to me.
Take care, my friend--
Melinda
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Brilliant title and quotation, one that will stick in my head, most certainly.
I'm doing NaNoWriMo right now so I won't be able to visit/comment to my friends as much as I'd like to but I did want to take a minute to say hi to you...
I have a memoir that is only in its first incarnation - I expect to finish it someday, I am hoping to be old and wise then, and fearless. And to have found the broken places, because in order to make them strong you have to name them.
xx Lidian
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Hi Lidian!
I'm going to have to check that out--NaNoWriMo (love that title)--but it sounds like it might be good to keep writers busy! I hope it is also lucrative for you.
So right about 'The Broken Places' and I agree with what you said--in my case, I had to really face the broken places before I could deal with them. For so many years of my life, I simply masked them with heroin and cocaine.
Take care, my friend--
Melinda
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Thank you so much for getting back to me. I added you to my Best Blogs page. Also, thanks for giving me some feedback on one of my posts. I plan on posting every single day, because there's a lot to say.
Let me know if you need anything.
Sincerely,
Jason
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Jason, my pleasure--you have a lovely blog and it is my pleasure to add you to 'Friend of Melindaville"
Keep blogging--I do think you have a lot to say!
Melinda
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