Shades of New York
Les and I just returned from a visit to New York City, a place that holds so many memories for me. Arriving at Penn Station last week, reflections of those experiences flooded my brain—some bitter, some sweet, and some a combination of the two.
I remember my first move to New York—stepping foot in the city for the first time was an exciting, red-letter day. I’d finally arrived at the center of any hopeful young actor’s universe—and for me, all twenty-one years old; I just knew this theatrical Mecca would help me realize my dreams. I didn’t hope I would make it as an actress in New York, I knew I would make it. I had optimism and invincibility, so common in the young, which age and hard knocks would later chip away.
New York was unlike any place I had been; while San Francisco seasoned me for city living, New York took that living to an entirely new level. New York City can be harsh—a dominant and often evil stepsister to the gentle and graceful San Francisco. Unlike the tranquil pastels and soft bay breezes that define San Francisco’s Golden Gates, New York can be dark, demanding and often punishes the vulnerable with a swift and hard edged temper. New York City is not for the faint of heart.
I made two moves to New York, at vastly different times in my life. The first time I moved there, I was a hopeful, young actor with more dreams than money and it was a real struggle to get by. I had no education, no job training and the only work I could find was at minimum wage, which was never quite enough to pay rent, let alone the rest of the bills and for food. There were five of us, all cramped into a tiny lower east side apartment—long before the neighborhood became trendy and chic. In those days, taxicabs would not even venture into the East Village and a subway ride into the area at night was risky business, always.
Nevertheless, we were all young, all hopeful and we all knew we had arrived to make our mark on Broadway. I literally used to hear Frankie’s voice as I walked into auditions, “If you can make it there, you’ll make it ANYWHERE, it’s up to YOU, New York, New York!” And that was the truth—all actors know this: New York is the ticket to a respected reputation and a lasting career in the theater. Hollywood is glamour times ten but New York is where serious actors cut their teeth.
New York was tough that first time around—as I have written about previously, auditions were brutal. Standing in lines with hundreds of other hopeful young actresses for cattle call auditions brought home the harsh reality of just how competitive the New York theater scene really is. In San Francisco, I felt special at each audition—in New York, I was lost in the shuffle.
Being poor in New York was also brutal—far different from San Francisco. Subsiding on potatoes, peanut butter and soda crackers is far easier if you do not have to eat them while living in a tiny, cockroach-ridden apartment. I left New York after only a year that first time around, my self-esteem battered; I couldn’t get back to San Francisco quickly enough. Begging my mother for bus fare back to the Bay Area, I quickly packed my bags as soon as her check arrived.
Hardly giving a backward glance to the city as the bus pulled out of Penn Station, I had a memorable bus ride across the country, made far more interesting with the entertainment of an out-of-work drag queen who was also heading west after being eaten alive in New York. It was during that trip across the long and monotonous Midwest that I decided I’d had it with poverty—I was finished with the struggle of the competitive theater world and I made the life altering decision to begin work as an exotic dancer as soon as I arrived on the West Coast.
My second move to New York was far different from the first one. Gone were the dreams of making it in the theater—by this time, I was firmly entrenched in the sex industry. I was street smart, cynical, and had already begun what would be a long love affair with drugs.
Arriving in New York for the second move, I found a beautiful 25th floor apartment on East 34th street between Lexington and Park Avenues, with a view that spanned the city’s skyline. I was making more money than I’d ever dreamed possible, never going home with less than a thousand dollars a day and often making thousands. The money just wasn’t real to me—and I spent it with wild abandon, going on weekly shopping sprees, frantically picking up five hundred dollar shoes and handbags and carelessly littering store counters with hundred dollar bills. In those days, it seemed the money would never end.
I also led a dual life during that second foray into New York—after making a small fortune as a call girl each night, I’d venture down to the grittiest punk rock clubs on the Lower East Side and head bang with the best of them; I was always good at straddling the extremes of any side of life.
While money was no longer a struggle in New York, life certainly was. I crushed my dreams of making it in the theater under those five hundred dollar stiletto heels—a devastating loss. My heart was hardening due to an experience that rocked my faith in the goodness of humanity. While out on an outcall, I’d come close to losing my life and that experience made me understand the evil lurking behind the hearts of certain human beings—it was a malevolence beyond anything I’d ever imagined.
I could no longer work without the heavy mask of drugs, which allowed me to avoid real intimacy with the countless strangers passing through my arms each night. I was no longer a professional actor but I gave a performance with each trick, making him feel as though he were the most special man in the world, all the while counting hundred dollars bills in my head. To a stranger’s eye, with my top shelf apartment and wardrobe, my life might seem glamorous but it was utterly devoid of anything meaningful. I was a living person but I had lost my soul.
Both those moves are now a long distant memory—so removed from my life today it seems a million lifetimes ago. New York is still there but the demons that used to surround it have now vanished.
I really loved our trip into the city last weekend. New York’s energy is infectious and the sights and sounds of the city fill the senses like no where else. Memories used to haunt me each time I returned to New York for visits but that was not the case this time. Writing my memoir has changed the way I now view all the experiences in my life. With each page written, each story told, each chapter finished, I closed the book on the demons that haunted me for so many years. During this New York visit, I embraced those memories rather than cringing from them and that, in itself, is quite freeing.
Peace,
Melinda
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Categories: Memories,Healing the Past,Punk Rock,Lost Dreams,Living in the Moment,Writing the Memoir,Sex Industry
Tags: living in new york city living in the moment drugs lost dreams punk rock sex industry
Welcome back from NYC -- your life is so fascinating & so different from mine, which is why I love your blog. . .
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Hahahahahahaha. You can live a twisted life, vicariously through me, Sheena! Sometimes, when I consider all that's happened, it amazes me as well.
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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Heard about your blog from a good friend. Glad I did. You are one strong lady.
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Be sure to thank you friend for recommending my blog--that makes me feel very good! And thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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Wow!!! Your story is unbelievable!!! I was completely engaged! Is your book out or soon? Thank you for sharing Melinda!
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Hi Cocamia,
My book is currenetly undergoing the formal editing process--I hope to have it published by next fall (keep your fingers crossed!).
Thanks so much for stopping by--
Melinda
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Your beautifully written stories let others experience the journey.
"With each page written, each story told, each chapter finished, I closed the book on the demons that haunted me for so many years."
I think this is the part that I love the most. You are the one who lived the real journey, and emerge from it healed, able to inspire and help others who may be lost. So good. cgn
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Awww--thank you so much, Cindy--your kind comments mean the world to me.
Thanks so much for stopping by--
Melinda
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Odd the draw NYC has for so many people. I grew up there and could never see the glamor. Spent half my childhood daydreaming about escaping to some island Paradise. It always seemed more a den of misery to me than pleasure. I could never understand the fascination with the fast life and money. A hut on the beach seemed so much more appealing. Once again, I applaud the fire and spirit of the young woman who endured and survived all this to become the advocate for hope and sanity that you are today. You know what a miracle you are, but I guess there's no harm in occasionally reminding you.
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Thanks, as always, for stopping by, NP. These days, I quite agree with you--I would far prefer a small hut on a tropical island (or even our summer house in Maine) to the hustle and bustle of any city. But there was a time when I would never have been happy living any place other than a city. This, it seems, it yet another side of my getting older--which is perfectly fine.
And thank you for your kind words as well.
Melinda
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Hola Melinda,
Long time no chit-chat
I can't wait for the book...sitting here on pins and needles!!!!
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Hi Faith,
Nice to see you! Thank you so much for your kind words. The book is being edited now--I am very excited--I hope to have it published by next year at this time!
Melinda
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Hello Melinda! I'm back ^_^! I'm glad that you had a lovely time in NY! The way you portrayed NY and SF is just simply wonderful. Every time I read a post of you, my curiosity to your book grows. You have such an amazing way of writing, it just keeps me motivated and at the end of each post, you still leave me speechless with the bits and pieces of your life. Sometimes just too unbelievable when I think that you actually lived it!
This sentence really spoke to me: 'I was a living person but I had lost my soul.'...I think it is so difficult to go through a phase like that, because you have to find that spark back. I'm so happy you did and that you left the demons that were troubling you in the past.
It was an interesting and captivating read, as always!
Take care!! Ciao, TJ
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Hi TJ! Welcome back!
Recovery has been an amazing process for me, TJ--not only did I regain my soul, I regained my ability to laugh, to love, and to live. I realize now that I was never really living when I was addicted to heroin. I am just so grateful for my life today--and that definitely keeps me motivated.
Thanks so much for your kind words--I really appreciate them.
Melinda
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Melinda, You have really aquired an amazing skill as a writer as well. I am really impressed by your way of sharing your story. The story of New York, San Francisco and a 21 year old Melinda is nicely told in your post here.
I have already studied in one of your post about how your attempt of commiting suicide had failed earlier in your life. And now after reading this post wich tells about your failure to fulfil your dream of becoming an actoress in New York.
I think these apparent failures helped you to find the field of psychology, a profession wich actually is a great service of humanity. I can say that you are doing your present job and blogging successfuly.
Melinda,
Thank you very much for sharing.
Ibn Hanif.
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Hello My Dear Friend,
I think you are one of the most insightful people I have ever known--your perception of my lost acting dreams and how this affected me is spot on. Thank you so much for your comments on my writing--I try to improve all the time, as I do in everything!
Thanks so much for stopping by--
Melinda
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Melinda, you are an amazing writer and I look forward to reading your book so much.
New York City haunts me as well, for different reasons - wherever I go, wherever I am living (since I was 18, I've been somewhere else, externally)
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Thank you so much, Lidian!
That's interesting that New York haunts you as well--and I think it does many people. It is the home of many people's broken dreams, I think--
Melinda
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The shades of New York are very beautiful.
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Truly!
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What has inspired you to write such an article? Thank you.
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My life--and gratitude for what it now is. The past 15 years have truly been a gift.
Melinda
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I will surely take a trip to New York one day to see these shades. Thank you.
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You are quite welcome!
Melinda
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