Resiliency
You go along in life—feeling great, life is optimal, you feel as though you have really worked your way through those taunting demons from the past, when all of a sudden, you are knocked down just a peg or two. Life needs to remind you that you are human—that you are still learning—that you are still growing . . . and that you still are prone to making mistakes.
Up until fifteen years ago, I lived a most destructive life. In fact, looking back on those dark years of isolation, addiction, and terror, I am convinced I was on a suicide mission. I tried in every way possible to kill myself—and I very nearly succeeded.
In early recovery, I became ‘drug free,’ but all the mess that had been festering away inside of me—well, it was still there. Drugs are never really the root of the problem—but merely a symptom of a much larger, more complex problem, usually one that is deeply imprinted on one’s psyche.
You can only live with those deep psychological wounds for so long, sober. There comes a point where you finally surrender those pains you hold so deep in your heart. For me, surrender meant finally seeking the help of a psychologist, who would help me finally face and begin to conquer those many demons, which had haunted me and kept me captive in my own private prison.
Going through therapy was hard. Damn. Hard. Therapy throws off the comfortable cloak of denial and brings you face to face with your raw and screaming emotions, naked in the harsh lighting of truth. After each session, I was exhausted—feeling as though the demons were literally being pulled from deep within me. At times, I became nauseous; thinking about my past made me sick. At times, I became full of rage, which I would work out by spending long and punishing nights at the university gym. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through—but one of the most important things I have ever done.
After a year and a half of intensive therapy, I began to really feel the sunlight of life. Slowly, I began to forgive myself, to accept my past—but even more importantly, to see hope for a bright and happy future. I somehow knew that I had weathered through a tough, psychological storm and once again had survived the test. I was ready to live.
Since that time, I feel I have made a lot of progress in my life. I have grown as a person—I have become a better person, yet sometimes things happen that make me realize that I still have a long way to go. I am an unfinished version of Melinda. Yes, I am a better person than I was fifteen years ago—however, I am not the person that I ultimately want to be. The good news is that I recognize my failings much more quickly and I am no longer afraid to try to make changes for the better.
I had an experience very recently where I was tested on my impetuous nature—that impulsivity that is so a part of my core that it might just be written into my DNA. The urge was very strong and I came very close to acting on it (do not worry—I wasn’t thinking about heroin or any drug!). But! I didn’t make that tempting, rash decision. The “New and Improved Melinda” took a step back, evaluated the situation realistically, listened to the truth in my heart—which always wants to be my guide (if I allow it), and ultimately, made the right decision.
As I’ve said before, sometimes you have to pause while you are climbing that steep mountain and even while acknowledging how much further you have to go, be able to appreciate just how far you’ve come.
Peace,
Melinda
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Categories: Transformation and Change,Forgiveness,Personal Development,Self,Challenges,Gratitude,Addiction and Recovery,Healing,Therapy,Progress,Courage
Tags: resiliency therapy inner strength personal growth learning from past mistakes healing
Happy birthday,
Happy birthday,
I love you.
Happy birthday,
Happy birthday,
May all your dreams come true.
When you blow out the candles,
One will stay aglow,
It's the love light in your heart,
Where ere, you go.
I have derived so much from reading your blog and from being your online friend that I don't know where to begin when it comes to expressing my gratitude.
I relate to your struggle with impulsiveness. From time to time I also feel these strong urges. However, I'm happy to say that I'm so well grounded now that I can overcome the urge and do as you do.
I can also become an observer and evaluate the situation realistically, listen to the truth wants to be my guide, and then made the right decision.
May you have many happy returns Melinda.
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AW SHUCKS, Timethief--you are making me blush!
Thank you so much for your birthday wishes and for your sweet comments. You know how I feel about you--the admiration here is mutural my dear--you have helped me so much and I am so appreciate of all you have done to help me (my blog birthday is in about 2 weeks!).
You know, normally I am able to block those impulsive urges--but this last time--it was hard! But I did prevail.
Thank you, my dear friend, for stopping by. I value your friendship so much.
Melinda
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Happy birthday Melinda! Based on your profile photo over there, I'm thinking you're...what...25?
Tumbling down backwards is always a potential problem when climbing a mountain. But, yeah (to further strain the already shaky metaphor) it can be useful to look back into the pit you're crawling out of to realize that you've come a long long way.
Except for those people who had a really idyllic childhood and adolescence...in which case there's nothing to do but bore people with stories about the "glory days," looking wisfully back and thinking sadly of how they'll never be twelve again...thank god I'm not one of them....Onward and upward!
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Hi Jay--Boy are you astute! You are exactly right--twenty-five years old today (of course, I won't mention how many years running that I have been 25 years old--lol).
What you said about high school reminds me of a person I ran into in Bozeman, Montana several year ago. I'd gone to high school with her--she'd been a popular cheerleader--a girl that I was secretly very envious of. I learned that she was working at K-Mart, where she had been working for the past 20+ years, that she was in an unhappy marriage with an alcoholic, and that she had never left Bozeman to go out and see what the rest of the world might offer.
I was glad that even with all the mess my life brought me--that it also brought me many rich and interesting experiences. Bottom line? I would not trade it for anything!
Thanks for your good wishes, Jay--
Melinda
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Melinda, if one REALLY wants to kill themselves, they will do it. You, my dear, were not meant to die. You most likely knew in your heart and in the back of your mind, that you were meant for something bigger in life--than in the bottom of a coffin--buried 6ft underground.
Therefore you exist with your strong will to survive
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Hi Sheila,
Well, I know I was very serious about those suicide attempts--I wanted to die--they were not a 'cry for help.' It was really an amazing and miraculous intervention that saved my life. After that miracle, I changed my mind--I realize I was not supposed to die--and that was the beginning of my healng journey. To quote Jerry Garcia, "What a long, strange trip it has been!"
Thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Online friend
I wish the very best day ever. It's another day, another breathe of life that you have to look forward to.
Keep on, Keepin on
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Thank you so much, Sheila! Each birthday, I feel so much gratitude that I am still alive!
Melinda
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Hey! On the West Coast, it's still your birthday -- happy happy! I hope it was a great day.
We are all works in progress. I think being tempted by various things is natural, but I understand how it can be unsettling to feel a bit of that old feeling. It also feels good -- really good -- to know you can resist.
Take care, Melinda.
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Hi Jennifer,
Thank you! I had a really great day. Les is very good at providing great moments--and he did last night, with beautiful long stem roses, a small bit of jewelry, a romantic dinner and a night out listening to jazz.
Sometimes I think it is good to be reminded of our weaknesses--as it can help us gather our strength a bit more.
Thanks as always, for stopping by--
Melinda
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Happy Birthday Melinda! Hope you've enjoyed every moment of it!
And, you are so right. It's a wonderful relief knowing we're in the world of "ING". Our lives are dawnING. You are MelindaING. Love.
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I love that, Mongolian girl--love live the 'ING's!"
Thank you for your good wishes,
Melinda
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Nice post showing the guideline of fighting the past evils of one's life. I was once addicted to Marijuana like you in my college years and interestingly enough 19th June is my actual birthday (Though officially different). Also I was provoked to act like an addict (not drugs again) just a few days back.
You won't believe these but these happened exactly as I am stating them and as stated in your post.
My belated wishes for your very Happy Birthday.
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Hi Shankha,
Thank you for stopping by--and Happy Birthday to you too! Although I wrote this post on June 19, my birthday is actually June 20.
I am glad to hear that you were able to resist you temptations too! I think that once people are addicts, they will always have to battle temptations from time to time. I know I am prepared for it. And you know--I do believe what you wrote--absolutely! Why would I not?
Melinda
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Happy Belated Birthday Melinda! I have so much respect for your personal strength. You grabbed a hold of your life and molded it into what you wanted it to be. I only hope that I can live my life with as much passion and courage as you.
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Thank you so much, Stillthinking! Your kind words mean a great deal to me--
I think you have a lot of passion and courage yourself. Just stay true to your heart!
Melinda
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Happy belated birthday, Melinda! Taking a minute or twenty before acting sometimes is invaluable. For me it's acting when I'm angry. I've sent a few e-mails, said a few things that really should have waited for a cool-down.
Hope you had a great day.
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Thank you, Lil! I did have a great day--Les is always good about making birthdays (and oher occasions) really special.
I agree with you on the anger aspect--it's especially good to take a pause during those times! Thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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Melinda, they say "pride goes before a fall." I find that when I'm all full of vinegar and sure of myself something always happens to remind me how little I know myself and how easily I can be tricked and act like an idiot. After the initial shock the feeling is a good one, because it instills humility and a sense of camaraderie with all my fellow human blunderers.
Happy happy birthday! No need to repeat again what a special person I think you are.
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I totally agree, N.P.--we all need those little reminders that we aren't quite as smart as we think we are! Humlity is never a bad thing, if you ask me.
Thank you for your thoughtful birthday wishes--I appreciate it.
Melinda
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I was just thinking about Resiliency and you've really helped out. Thanks!
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Excellent! I am so happy to hear that!
Thanks for stopping by, my friend!
Melinda
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