Birth of a Prostitute
People have often asked me why I became involved in prostitution. It’s surprising, even to me, to realize how quickly I made the decision to work in the sex industry. And of course now, as a psychologist, I have analyzed what propelled me, so impulsively, into such a destructive lifestyle (and it is a destructive lifestyle—being objectified on a continual, daily basis).
My initiation into the sex industry stems from surviving years of sexual abuse—and I am convinced that my childhood had a direct effect on what an easy decision it was. Women who are not sexually abused cherish their sexuality in a way that survivors of sexual abuse cannot fathom. Most young girls are taught to cherish this ‘gift’ to our prospective husbands—our virginity is the ultimate gift. When a woman finally does gift a man with this most treasured part of herself, it is far more than a physical act—or at least it should be. It should also be an act of trust, respect, and love. If you are robbed of the ability to cherish your sexuality, it is easy to throw it away, carelessly.
Among other things, survivors of sexual abuse have no understanding that their sexual self is special and to be cherished. Why would they? Sex to any survivor of sexual abuse is first viewed as an act of shame, degradation, and humiliation. Children who are molested by a trusted family member, friend, or even a stranger on the street are robbed, quite simply, of what should be a beautiful, loving act between two people in love. Growing up believing my sexuality was nothing more of a commodity, the decision to sell myself was second nature. And in some twisted way, selling this sought after commodity was an empowering act—as soon as I turned my first trick, I made a vow to myself that I would never allow someone to fuck me in a meaningless, once-sided interaction for free ever again.
There was also the aspect that as long as I sold sex that I was in control. A man could come into the escort service and pick me—yet the final decision was mine. I liked the control it gave me. It was almost as though I thought, "Hey! If I am going to be known and understood only as a creature of sex, I will do so in a situation where I am in complete control".
I am not judgmental of anyone who works in ‘the life’ (an antiquated term for working in the business of prostitution). I feel that prostitution should be legalized so that women are better protected. In the past on this blog, I have recounted some of the frightening and humiliating experiences I have endured as the result of my work in the sex industry. Although I do not judge women who work in the profession, it breaks my heart to see women work in this business because I understand the path that got most of them to that point. From my own experiences and the experiences of the many friends I have made in that business, I know that most women who work in the sex industry do so because they view their sexuality as the only aspect of their self-worth. And nearly every woman I have ever known in business began their trade after being forced into a sexual act at a far too early age. I am lucky to have recovered from my early childhood experiences—to now be able to experience the love, trust, and respect that should always accompany our sexuality.
Peace,
Melinda
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Played: 1154 | Download | Duration: 00:00:00
Categories: Sexual Abuse,Recovery,Childhood,Healing the Past,Prostitution
Tags: Childhood Sexual Abuse Self-Esteem Prostitution
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5/27/2009 6:17 PM
frightening wrote:
Bookmarked your post over at Blog Bookmarker.com!
I keep on thinking of Zizek - he stated clearly that desire is not something that is inherent, it has to be learned. We need to be taught what we want. Based upon your childhood, the "learning" took you on a route which only your intellect was able to overcome later on. It's to your credit that you were able to do so - people with less willpower, intelligence and introspection will be slaves to what they have "learned" for the rest of their lives.
Best Regards, GC
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GC, very insightful comments--thank you. I agree that it is extremely hard to overcome our early learning--for many it is impossible. And how often I say, "There but for the grace of God, go I."
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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Melinda,
Do you find it disturbing the recent trend for glamorization of a life in porn or prostitution? I find it disturbing that there are so many blogs, websites, and books that glorify "the life". Now it's spilling over onto TV with cable versions of call girl blogs. If all this media was honest about what prostitution actually does to the woman and what kind of circumstances drives them to it, I doubt that we would be so inundated with the racy tales of call girls.
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Hi ST--
Yes, I do find it disturbing--although we have come a long way in terms of equality, women are still so objectified in the media. I believe it must be very confusing for young women today--even more so than when I was a child. On one hand, the puritanical foundation of our country is seen in the way young girls are taught to view their sexuality--but at the same time, the media clearly paints a very different picture.
I think that many women who glamorous their business as prostitutes are not being honest. I used to do the same thing--to rationalize my involvement in it. But it's all smoke and mirrors--deep down, I believe very few women can be involved in the industry and not have it damage their self-view and self-esteem.
Melinda
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I am sure a lot of the denial you speak of is for personal survival. You're right. There is a conflict between the puritanical roots of our society and the portrayal of sexuality by the media. I can't help but blame that on the continued dominance of men in the media. The idea that you are either the good girl or the bad girl is ludicrous, but is something that popular culture thrives on. This dichotomy has been around for centuries and I don't think it will ever go away. The Angel versus the whore. What I find even more disturbing is that prostitutes are viewed as criminals, but their clients are not. It's a sexist double standard to view the client as a victim rather than a perpetrator.
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Wow, ST--I could have written what you wrote--that's how parallel our views are on this subject. However, I do have a somewhat more optimistic sense for the future for women. I've seen the incredible strides women have made in my lifetime--enormous changes. For example, the current President of NOW, Kim Gandy, originally became involved in women's rights when her employer asked her for her husband's signature on her tax contribution form (some early form of what is now known as a 401K)--it was part of Louisiana's "Slave and Master" law--in which the woman was considered 'property' of her spouse, which was the reason the man had to approve her tax contribution. She was part of the movement to abolish that law and later moved up the ranks of the feminist movement to become elected as NOW's president.
Anyway, I digress.
It will take women who share our beliefs, who will speak out loudly and often and who try to pass on to younger women the importance of their intellect and character, above their physical beauty.
Thanks for such thoughtful comments--you are a woman with a great head on her shoulders and I'm proud to have you as my friend!
Melinda
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Hi! I haven't had a chance to really look at your blog but I was directed her by Life in the Second Half, not knowing what to expect. She posted a quote about gratitude that you wrote.
I am writing in my blog about the ways I am trying to combine my love of music, writing, art and yoga to create a meaningful life. I am also a mom of two kids. What I didn't mention in my blog is that I am also interested in writing erotic stories. I am sure I will get inspiration from your blog for this. Thanks!
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Hi There,
Thanks for stopping by. I don't know how much inspiration for erotic writing that you will find on my blog because I have never done an erotic post on this blog and likely won't--but you might find yourself entertained by some stories from my wild and oh so crazy life!
Melinda
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Melinda,
I feel in some ways that reading your blog for a few - several? months before you discovered and introduced us to Shane (heroin head) was preparation for me in reading his blog.
Your life experiences parallel. These blogs are not for the faint of heart, but this is the world in which we live, and I am richer for having made the acquaintances. You both have so much to say, and I feel lucky that I get to listen. I learn so much, and believe God has ordered my steps here.
Thank you, jen
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Hey Jen,
I agree--a lot of what I write on my blog is not for the faint of heart! But they are an account of my honest journey, which has been both painful and beautiful. Thank you so much for your kind words--and for continuing to support Melindaville!
Melinda
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Melinda, as always your posts on this topic stir many things up for me. I've only just scratched the surface of writing about my own experiences in the sex trade, as a stripper.
I understand that desire to feel in control, to use the one part of yourself (your looks) that you know you can control men over to bring a sense of pride and... I don't know, stability?? to your sense of self.
If you don't mind, I've got a few questions about the sexual abuse part of the equation. Even before my own rather early deflowering, I was a very sexual child.
How much of that is natural? Where do you draw the line and say - oh, that's just a kid being a kid? Because there are some rather disturbing memories from my under-10 years that just don't seem right. They appear to be... unusual for a young girl, but then what's unusual and what's normal?
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Dear Svasti,
Yes--I think you definitely get the control factor--it's quite common for any aspect of the sex trade (and I felt the same way when I was stripping--in fact, I did that first because that profession gave even more control than prostitution did).
As far as your questions about kids go, it is natural for children to explore their own bodies--but children never do this in a sexual manner (we're talking under ten here). If sexual feelings are brought forth in the process of a child's exploration of her/his body, then I would say there is often an unhealthy interaction with an adult that brings that forward.
My sister, I believe, was also abused sexually by our father--but she has never confronted that (and because of her makeup, will likely never face it). I believe this for several reasons but one of the most profound reasons is that my mother told me a story about how when Noelle was only two (this was before I was born), she started masturbating herself in front of a crowd of dinner guests at a dinner party at my parents home in Egypt. My mother was so shocked and taken back that she spanked her (and we have to remember that this was a far different time--when sexual abuse of children was never discussed by anyone--not medical professionals, not psychologists--no one). Well, to me, this is proof positive that she was molested because young children that age never engage in that type of behavior unless it has been taught to them.
If you have 'uncomfortable' feelings of a sexual perspective from your past--it could very well be that there is a basis for your discomfort. You may want to explore those feelings further if you feel they are blocking you from progress.
I never had the luxury of repressing memories--I have a vivid memory and a strong one--but many children who are touched inappropriately block those memories because it is a natural defense for us (particularly when this type of thing happens at a very early age).
I do know that early sexual stimulation often is a factor in people who choose to work in some aspect of the sex industry.
Take care, my dear friend--and thanks as always, for stopping by.
Melinda
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From what you've written here and in other posts, I'd be really surprised if your sister wasn't also abused. Poor child, I guess that early spanking taught her to keep it all to herself!
I've done a lot of inner scanning and thinking, searching my memories and I tend to believe I wasn't abused at all. It just doesn't compute.
But then, some of the things I do remember (of a childhood where I remember very little), are just so strange. So out of character and downright odd for a small child.
So yes, it might be something I try to investigate further at some point. Just to be certain, and because if there is anything there, then I'm sure it would contribute to blocking my progress.
This journey after all, is about discovering the truth in all its unlovely reality, right?
Thanks as always to you, for reading my posts as well.
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Svasti,
Yes, I agree--I do believe my sister was abused but we all have our own path--I think for her, she would not emotionally be able to confront the past (some people cannot--it is easier for them to simply block out those memories).
I also wanted to point out that most children have certain events in their childhood that might not seem completely 'normal.' So, it could be that you were not abused yet there were certain things that made you uncomfortable or that even caused you some trauma but that it was not abuse (although I have read what you have written up your relationship with your brother and that does sound like an abusive relationship to me).
I honestly think that on your spiritual path, you will seek to uncover whatever truths you must when the time is right. I honestly think that those whose minds and hearts are open to striving for self-actualization find opportunities for further growth and those opportunites become clear as we venture along our journeys.
I also realized that I had forgotten to wish you a happy birthday! I had meant to do that--but got distracted by all the great things you wrote about connectiveness. Happy, happy birthday (belated) my dear friend.
Melinda
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Melinda, thank you for sharing this perspecitve. I cannot say much at this time, but appreciate your thoughts.....
Blessings and hugs.....
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Thank you so much, JBR--I appreciate your stopping by!
Melinda
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I can understand in a way why they do what they do or you did what you did. I was molested as a child; As I got older and started having sex, I found myself wanting it more and more, but not with the same guys. I had a hard time with relationships.
My first time to have sex was at age 16 and By the time I was 18, I had sex with over 100 guys. That is really sad for being that young.
I never told anyone about me being molested til I was around 21 or 22 years old.
Now, I don't know if what happened to me as a small child of 7 yrs old, affected the way I was as a teen, or if I just purely loved sex. And I was lucky I never contracted anything from any of these guys.
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I had a similar pattern as you--before I started working in the sex industry. I equated attention from boys as the same thing as love--because that was the only attention my father ever paid to me. For me, my early childhood most definitely warped my beliefs and values--and it's taken me a loooooong time to recover from that.
I wish you all the best on your journey and hope you can find answers that you seek.
Take care, my friend--
Melinda
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I admire your courage in sharing such a personal history. It's difficult hearing about child sexual abuse; I can't imagine how difficult it was for you to live through that and carry the burden of those wounds with you throughout your life. Beautiful, insightful post.
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Hey Gwen,
I agree--hearing about child abuse makes people very uncomfortable--but there is so much of it that occurs in our (and every) society that it is crucial that we confront head on.
I have been extremely fortunate in my recovery--meeting so many people who have helped me in both big and small ways. But then, when a person is truly ready for undergoing such a transformation, it is amazing how many doors suddenly swing open, unexpectedly.
Thank you for stopping by Melindaville! It's appreciated.
Melinda
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Hey awesome, you've been reviewed.
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Awesome! I just read your review--and I am stunned! Thank you so much for taking the time to review my blog--and for 'fucking loving it.' Blogging about my life has been another amazing piece of the journey.
I appreciate what you wrote about my blog.
Melinda
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Hi, Melinda -
Thanks for a great thought-provoking and gut-honest post.
You get me thinking how powerful childhood trauma is in shaping the types of work we take on. Until there's a deep recovery that undoes all those beliefs about ourselves, we seem to be driven toward types work that and roles that act out or compensate for what happened in those early years - and often do it in the most public way, no matter how self-destructive.
Thank God for the miracle of your survival and recovery - and your willingness to share so much.
All Love -- John
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Hey John,
You know, I teach child development--and I wish that every parent (and potential parent) would take such a class so they could realize the depth to which their actions, as parents, will have on their developing children. I am so lucky to have been born with enough inner strength to overcome those circumstances. So many people are not.
Thanks for your kind words, John--you are such an awesome writer that what you say means a lot to me.
Melinda
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Hi Melinda,
I do believe that self discovery is the best way to recover from most of the "incidents". I am very happy to see that you have got over your bad childhood experience.
It was a really heart touching post. keep blogging.
peace and best wishes
irtiza104
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Hi Irtiza,
Thank you so much for your kind words--and for stopping by Melindaville.
Melinda
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Your courage to honestly and seriously record your life is impressive and inspiring. I lost my virginity to a prostitute at near my 18th birthday, serving as a newly arrived GI in Germany. This was 1956. A much less honest world.
I was shy and continued to be shy with such encounters. They were few. Less than 10 over the next 30 months. Returning to the states at age 20, I did not have commercial sex again. For that matter, I had no sexual contact with anyone for the next 5 years. I respected the women. I also felt sorry for them. And no longer wanted to be involved. I appreciate your speaking out. It encourages me to also do so, in talking honestly. Masturbation has been for most of my life, and is, my sexual outlet.
Yes, I faced some trauma in childhood. Which has made me retreat from from what could be and should have been a more honest and engaging life. Thankfully, art/writing has long been my
gift for dealing with the life I live. And enjoying it. You help me move in the direction we all need to take. Honesty.
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Thanks so much for stopping by and for sharing your own intimate experiences.
You know, for the most part, I felt my customers respected me--I honestly did. Of course, there were exceptions to this but I felt most of the men who saw me respected me completely. I actually became friends with some of my customers (some I knew for years--I would call them when I was in trouble and many of them helped me when the chips were down).
But the business takes a lot from a woman--self-esteem, respect, self-beliefs, etc.
Thanks again for stopping by and for your thoughtful comments.
Melinda
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how did your life change? Was it through your own efforts? a program? counseling?
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It's all in the blog . . .or you could read my complete biography here. I have written so many posts about how my life ultimately changed. I will say that it took nearly death for me to finally dig down to find the inner strength and courage to change.
And of course, my whole story will be in my book too.
Melinda
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I'm behind in reading your blog and will return to read the posts both prior to and following this amazing post.
Svasti's comments and questions and your response really capped off some personal issues/feelings about what you wrote here. Too much is bubbling right now for me to waste space in trying to comment. But wow.
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Nice to see you, Lydia! I'm behind in my blog reading also (and I plan to rectify that this week).
I will be interested to hear what thoughts you come up with after it all settles down. I hope you will let me know!
Melinda
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I read this in my e-mail when you first posted it, but it's taken me too long to get over here.
I once frequented a site where the blogger posted about a night he'd spent at a bar, watching a "working girl" pick up a customer. He expressed his sympathy for the bartender, who was making her money the "honest" way, versus the prostitute, who apparently was getting her cash the easy way.
I was stunned and didn't know what to say. I said nothing, ultimately, and still feel guilty about that. As if it's so easy, as if this person he was watching had no history. Writing about it here, in the context of this post and the one after it, has gotten me riled up again. If you have any advice for what I should have said, I would appreciate it. It didn't seem like a friendly or sympathetic audience, but surely there are ways of saying things that go beyond "you asshole" (my first impulse)?
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Hi Jennifer,
I think my first thought would be the same as yours ('you asshole'). But you know--his response is a very common one--because most people don't really understand enough about how and why a person becomes involved in prostitution. If they did, I believe most responses would be much more compassionate.
It's impossible to know for certain because this kind of data is nearly impossible to collect--but most girls who work in the sex industry have been sexually assaulted and/or abused at some crucial point of their lives.
When I have come up against similar types of reactions to prostitutions, I usually begin my response with that fact; that most 'working girls' are survivors of terrible abuse. Because psychologically healthy women cannot turn their emotions on and off in the way that is necessary for prostitutes to do. So, I usually start the conversation on that note--and then I go on to say that I try hard to not judge people because we really have no idea of what their life circumstances have been that led them down their path.
The one thing that continues to chap my hide (I do love that expression!) is that there is such a double standard when it comes to how the sex industry is viewed, as far as gender goes. I remember when the escort service was raided--all the women were taken to jail and all the men who were paying customers got to go home--they didn't even get a citation!
And people tend to view the trade with that same double standard: men need relief while that tramp is a criminal. Please people--let's call it as it is!
If that bartender even had a half a clue how 'easy' that life is. He couldn't imagine what I have put up with in my life.
Thanks for stopping by Jennifer! I know you have been busy and I appreciate it!
Melinda
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Hi Melinda: I love reading your words. Your honesty and courage shine through. I am also an incest survivor, and although I never worked in the sex industry, I have a sister who did and many friends who have. All are survivors of child sexual abuse. I don't think anyone would knowingly choose that life. It also steams me how women are objectified in the media, and then we get the dichotomy of the madonna and the whore: the good/bad woman. The good woman being the virgin mother and the bad woman being the slut...lots of images of that in literature. As a feminist and a human being, I think that we need to take our sexuality back. I think education is the key...and as an educator, I try to get my students to look critically at the images of women in popular culture: film, TV, literature. What does not kill us makes us stronger. (OK..that is a quote from Nietzche...) I love you lady...keep on keepin on.
Trish
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You are so right, Tricia--there is a huge double standard (still today) regarding the way men and women are viewed as far as their sexual behavior goes. It used to really upset me when I was working as a call girl--when the police raided an incall/outcall apartment where I worked, the women all went to jail and none of the men did.
I think you are absolutely right--education is the key to any kind of change in societal thinking. We have come further in the last thirty years--but we also have quite a ways to go still!
I remember you told me about your surviving incest. (((((((((((((here's a hug))))))))))) for all of us who did.
Melinda
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