Uncle Sam Wants Me!?!
I’ve been working hard, revising my memoir—and slowly but surely, I am getting there! I hope to have the first revision completed by the end of spring. Yesterday, I was editing a story involving the IRS and owing back taxes. Since it is almost tax time in the U.S., I decided this story would be a timely post for the blog.
As you all know, for many years, I worked as an exotic dancer and call girl—and as such, I never paid taxes. However, there was one relatively brief period of time when I should have taken better care of what I was doing because it is absolutely true that death and taxes are inevitable (kids—you can run but you cannot hide!).
When the crazy Russians hired me to launch and manage Julie’s Hotline (the world’s first fantasy phone call service), they asked me for my social security number. I didn’t think much of it at the time—their explanation of my being an ‘independent contractor’ pretty much went in one ear and out the other. I wasn’t stupid—I knew if I were an independent contractor I was responsible for paying taxes—but let’s face it! I wasn’t responsible for much of anything in those days! Sure, I remember receiving some tax forms at one point but when the paperwork greeted me in the mail one day, I filed it in its usual place: the nearest wastebasket. I don’t need your stinkin’ taxes! Then, I promptly forgot about those pesky taxes! The ‘out of sight, out of mind’ solution always did work for me. 
I didn’t think of my work as an independent contractor again until the spring of 1995, when I was filing taxes for my first legitimate job in over twenty years. I was excited about getting my first tax refund check in that long. Almost as soon as I’d arrived in Bozeman to begin school at Montana State, I found full-time work as a driver for Bozeman’s only taxi service, City Taxi. Bursting with pride and anticipation when I was filling out my 1994 tax return, I was ecstatic to be getting money back from the government! There was something to being an upstanding, law-abiding citizen after all!
So, a few weeks after filing the return, I began anticipating the hefty refund check the government would be sending me. Each day, I rushed home, eagerly checking my mailbox—and each day, I was disappointed. A couple of months passed—it seemed as though everyone had gotten their refund check but me! What gives? Then, one day, there was an ominous looking letter with “United States Office of Revenue” in the return address line. I knew something was amiss because I knew this was no government check. Even though I hadn’t gotten a tax refund check for many years—I remembered what they looked like! What awaited me that day looked like a bill (or a warrant, I thought, worriedly).
My heart sank as I tore open the envelop; it was, indeed, a bill! Apparently, the U.S government had been looking for me for a number of years and I had conveniently made things easier for them by filing taxes. Apparently, I owed the government $20,000.00 (!) for unpaid taxes and subsequent fines! Not only was I not getting a refund check—the U.S. government wanted me to give them money. Wham Bam and Thank You Ma'am!
BUSTED! Since I’d not been an upstanding citizen for very long—and because I have a wild imagination—I immediately knew I would be heading to jail! To be honest, for the first five years of my recovery, I felt like I was on the lam anyway—seeing a cop car would immediately throw me into a panic (and it would honestly be years before this irrational fear was finally alleviated).
As I did so often in those early days of recovery, I turned to my mother in a panic, thrusting the letter under her eyeballs. I loved her so much when she told me that even if they did jail me, she would either bail me out or demand incarceration alongside me in the spirit of unified protest! My mother was a great champion for me once I turned my life around.
After investigating the matter with my cousin Geoff (who happened to be an IRS agent), I learned that it was my old position at Julie’s Hotline that had finally caught up with me. Worst, most of the money I owed wasn’t even for taxes but for the accumulated fines for not paying them to begin with. After exploring all my options, I made an appointment with the IRS office in Bozeman, Montana—where I went to plead my case.
At this point, I’d gotten rather used to the reactions of people who learned of my former life. Undoubtedly, people were always giving me ‘kudos’ for turning my life around—and I had no reason to think that Uncle Sam wouldn’t join in the praise for stopping a life of crime and debauchery.
I was sure the IRS would be impressed just the way my professors (and just about everyone else) were.
I sauntered into my appointment with the IRS with nothing but my lightening sharp mind as a defense. I planned to tell Mr. Doug Hinkle (my personally assigned IRS agent) about my experiences with addiction and prostitution. I anticipated his praise and congratulations as he realized what a remarkable turnaround I’d made! The government was going to be so proud of me!
When I did come face-to-face with the unfortunate Mr. Hinkle (what can I say—he had a weak chin and nonexistent lips), I learned that the Internal Revenue Service doesn’t brim over with pride at recovering junkies. I also learned the government doesn’t have the best sense of humor.
As my story spilled out, I could see Doug Hinkle’s ear tips turning bright red (not a good sign). Then I saw his jaw starting to twitch and he appeared to become agitated (also concerning). But the biggest giveaway of his disapproval was the fact that his already too thin lips just started disappearing. Right into his face! Even though I had not yet had psychological training, it didn’t take a genius to figure out old Doug wasn’t all that happy with yours truly.
He had one question for me.
“Why didn’t you pay your taxes?”
I looked at him in stunned silence—not quite believing that he had even asked that question. Forget the fact that there was no congratulatory praise in my turning my life around—didn’t he even grasp the fact that I’d just told him I’d been a junkie for close to 10 years? Surely, he should have realized that being a junkie isn’t exactly conducive to paying taxes! Guess not!
“Because” I replied to the now non-lipped agent, “I didn’t think I was going to live this long.” And that was the simple truth; I really hadn’t expected to live that long.
So, the moral of this story is that I learned the IRS doesn’t have much of a sense of humor—and they aren’t overly impressed with recovering junkies. The bad news turned out to be I owed them quite a bit of money and I would get no tax refunds until this amount was paid (which took several years). The good news was neither my mother nor I had to go to jail—and that I did finally take care of those damn taxes.
And know this kids—it’s a whole lot easier to live life on the straight and narrow. Because who really wants to deal with people like Doug Hinkle anyway?
Peace,
Melinda
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Categories: Addiction and Recovery,Personal Stories,Writing the Memoir
Tags: funny stories IRS owing back taxes addiction and recovery
Wow! Melinda. That really sucks! I would have broke down in tears right there in front of them. Then if he was an Ass, I probably would have called him an ass, before leaving.
The IRS only cares about them selves. All they want is their money..hhhmmm sounds like 95% of the rest of this messed up world of humans.
When we don't pay on time, we have to pay penalty fees, but when they don't pay on time it's sure ok. Maybe we should send them an invoice next they are late paying. what'cha think about that?...hahah...Nice post Melinda. Hope all is well. We got moved to NC finally and still unpacking but enjoying our 15acres. Love it here!
Talk soon...Sheila
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Hi Sheila!
How lovely to be on 15 acres! That sounds like a dream come true--and North Carolina is really such a beautiful state. I spent some time there when I toured with the Shakespeare Company--and had a great time.
Yes, the IRS is pretty one-sided--and it was very true old Doug didn't give a damn about me. I'm so glad all those legal hassles are behind me!
Melinda
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A superb read! Really wonderful writing.
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Thanks Shane!
Melinda
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When I read the teaser in my reader and headed over here to read this post, I thought it was going to say you were headed to Afghanistan to teach college to soldiers. You make me laugh, Melinda. Your description of poor Doug. =0 I must admit, I once had a fantastic experience with THE SERVICE. I'd made a mistake one year on taxes and I finally caught up w/ an agent who was about to retire. It had been six years and he corrected the mistake and I got a $4,000 check in the mail. But, my story isn't as funny as your story, and funny these days is worth a lot!
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Hi Jen,
I'd take the outcome of your story anytime! A check for four thousand dollars is immensely preferable to having to pay the IRS lots of money.
Of course, in retrospect, it is all funny--but at the time, it was pretty harrowing!
Melinda
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Hey Melinda! I've had my troubles with the IRS (which by the way is a totally unconstitutional and an illegal crime syndicate), but never anything like you. Yeah, they don't play and want their money. I know I have to pay taxes but it is wrong. I so intensely oppose government and the best government is hardly any government at all. Power to the people not to the government is my motto--the antithesis to the power hungry democratic/republican parties (which are really the same party).
I remember living in New Jersey, and a single woman with 13 children lived next door. She was $8.00 short on her electric bill and the state turned it off, causing her to lose two weeks worth of food needed to feed her & her kids. The IRS happened to come down on her the same week. I tried to help her as much as I could, but was living on raw potatoes and water myself (jeez I was skinny). She ended up in prison and her children were placed in child services. I was so distraught over it, it totally altered my view on life. I decided to be self sufficient, and to never depend on anyone else. People who place faith in government for help, or depend on an employee retirement fund are risking their lives on absolute uncertainty. Federal income taxes should be avoided at all costs, the very root of this country as envisioned by the founding fathers.
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Hey Bobby,
Well, we all have to choose our battles, don't we? My husband totally agrees with you on the government/taxes (but he is also pretty much a libertarian at heart). I agree that the goverment is heartless--and what's worse, they don't act in their own best interest, even--let alone the best interest of its citizens. We see this all the time when people are jailed for nonviolent crimes (such as drug possession) and it costs us all an arm and a leg yet the goverment is so stuck in the letter of the law, they can't see the forrest for the trees! (ooooh, don't even get me started).
Needless to say, that one experience with the government was about all I needed to make me know that I never wanted another run in--so these days, I stay on the straight and narrow!
That poor woman with all the children--I can imagine it hit you hard to see that happen to her kids. Experiences like that have definitely changed my world view.
Thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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$20,000...wow...that's what as I always fear as I clumsily fill out tax forms...then, I guess I'm so terrified of getting thrown in jail for tax evasion that my mistakes tend to be in my favor, so that, when the ominous letter comes, which I hope is gonna simply tell me how much I owe, rather than naming a court date, I generally have the opposite experience, and find a check. Sometimes incompetence pays off....
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LOL, Jay--believe me, these days, I always err on the side of getting an extra refund check myself! That experience with the unfortunate Mr. Hinkle made me understand I don't want anything to do with the IRS again!
Melinda
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As a person evolves to genuinely desire to transform his life for the better, that person must be willing to take responsibility for his role in everything that happens. To think negatively sends negative energy vibrations into the world and creates consequences you do not foresee. To revert to a victim mentality at any point is to give into fear and to refuse to tap into strength, courage and coping skills you have inside.
Every human being finds himself in challenging situations. Some people choose to face them as they arise, other people deny or ignore them, hoping they will disappear. To admit to oneself that mistakes are human, is to be willing to face the consequences. Paying backdated bills will heal the soul. Being honest with yourself helps heal more than a wounded conscience.
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Liara,
I so agree with you on what you wrote about responsibility! Too often, people find reasons to excuse their behavior (It's not my fault because I had a terrible childhood--or it is not my fault because I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism, etc).
For me, growing up meant understanding that even though bad things had happened to me, my life is my own--both the positive and negative and that I needed to learn to take responsibility for my actions.
You are so right--we all do find ourselves in challenging situations--they may not be the same as ours--but they are challenging nonetheless.
When I started making amends--paying people back the money I owed them--and paying the government, it was as freeing as anything else I have done.
Thanks as always for your thoughtful insight--you always hit the nail right on the head (so to speak!).
Melinda
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I don't like people named Doug Hinkle. $20,000 is an insane amount of money. Damn late fines.
Great writing, Melinda. I can't wait to buy the book.
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Thanks Mike! The book is coming--as I said, I hope to have it out of my hair by late spring.
And I so agree--people with the name of Doug Hinkle? BOO! (He really looked like a 'Doug Hinkle' too! -- Really uptight!).
Melinda
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Uh Oh...I better change my name and go Anonymous! lol
There's no IRS in France...so I'm lucky!
If I suddenly stop blogging you know it's one of two things.
Best wishes, Melinda, Shane.
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Really? No IRS in France? There must be something like it, though--because don't people in France have to pay taxes?
In any case--I wouldn't wish back taxes problems on my worst enemy (and of coures, you are far from that!
I read your latest entry this morning (I subscribe by email) and have been thinking about my response to you on the difference between 'junkies' and 'heroin addicts' --I am definitely going to get back to you soon on that!
Thanks for stopping by, Shane--I'll be visiting heroinhead land again soon--
Melinda
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