Reclaiming the Past
For the majority of my life, I had a lot of shame about who I was. As soon as I was old enough to understand some people are prejudiced against people from the Middle East, I stopped telling people I was Egyptian. Ashamed of my heritage, I would tell people I was Greek, Italian—and even Irish. Anything seemed more acceptable than being Egyptian. Another part of me hated my Egyptian heritage because of my father, who was a monster. Because I saw him as evil and he was Egyptian, I equated being Egyptian with everything bad and since I was half Egyptian, some of that evil must be in me too.
When I entered recovery, my self-esteem was terribly low. Without the cloak of drugs, I had perfect clarity on the person I’d become and I was deeply ashamed of that person. I was humiliated of working as an exotic dancer and call girl; I was embarrassed I’d become a junkie. I saw all of these aspects of myself as proof of a failed life. I was so mortified by my past that I tried my best to discard it—as much as possible, anyway.
I also had the experience of running into a few people, unexpectedly, during the first few years of my recovery. When we talked, they only saw me for who I was back in the day—not the Melinda who was reinventing herself as a person of worth and integrity. The road back was such an enormous struggle, with so many hard fought battles that I did not want to be reminded of who I had been—that old Melinda that I was not all that proud of. My new friends never reminded me of who I’d been because they didn’t really know—they’d heard me talk about my past—but they never experienced it with me. I didn’t want to be reminded of the messed up things I’d done to others, the lies I’d told, the money I’d borrowed and never repaid. I had never really been that much of a friend and it shamed to me finally understand that.
Then, I started writing my book. Preparing for the writing of it, I started reading through my old journals, listening to music that had been my life’s soundtrack at that time, and looking at pictures that tickled my memory. Then something amazing happened. In the process of writing my memoir, I began reclaiming my past. Moreover, I wanted to own who I was—both the beautiful and ugly parts—the bad and the good because it was all me. It’s true—I was as messed up as a soup sandwich when I was using—but that is part of the woman I am today. The past does not define me but it is an integral part of my makeup today and to deny my past is to deny a huge part of who I am—and that’s not what recovery is about.
As I went further in the book, I started actually craving getting in touch with people I hadn’t seen for many years—those who I did acting with in San Francisco and New York and the people I’d hung out with during the fun days of San Francisco’s punk scene. Of course, there were people I’d been involved with who had never been friends—we’d had mutually destructive, symbiotic relationships, using each other as drug addicts do. However, there were a whole group of people who had been good friends—people I found I missed and wanted to see again.
Recovery is about growing to be a better person than you were twenty years ago or twenty days ago. Recovery is facing what you did in the past, making amends when you can, and moving forward in your life. Recovery is about being able to face our pasts—because only through that can we live in our present. Simply put, recovery isn’t about running away.
Yesterday, I got a notice from Facebook that one of the great pioneer punk bands of the 1980’s, The Mutants, were going to be performing at the DeYoung museum in San Francisco on May 15. The Mutants were great friends of mine back in the day—particularly the two female vocalists, Sue and Sally Mutant. I’ve been in touch with most of these folks through the modern miracle of Facebook but I haven’t seen many of these people in such a long time.
I am so excited to go see this concert on May 15. My husband and I are bicoastal but as soon as I saw the invitation to the event, I immediately ran up to his office and demanded that we be in San Francisco on May 15. No matter what. Because I am hungry to see my past, particularly since I have been writing about it for the better part of the last year.
I have a wealth of new friends—wonderful friends who I care deeply about—but none of them can replace the rich tapestry of friendships that I have cultivated throughout my life.
So, I am thrilled I am going to be going to the DeYoung museum on May 15. I can’t wait to see everyone. We’re all a lot older—and hopefully a little wiser—but the experiences we all shared connect all of us for our entire lifetimes. We were part of something special in San Francisco in the 1980’s. I am proud to be a part of it as I am proud to be who I am today.
Today, I am Melinda Roberts Tyler—whose life has been rich with mistakes, dreams, challenges, failures, and successes. I own every part of that life and can’t wait to see some of those parts that slipped away for a while. After losing so many people, so much time—I don’t want to ever lose any more. I want to embrace it all.
Peace,
Melinda
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Categories: Friendship,Healing the Past,Personal Development,Addiction and Recovery,Pioneers of Punk,Writing the Memoir
Tags: DeYoung Museum The Mutants Performance recovery reinventing oneself past friendship
Powerful post, Melinda.
Have to say, I've always loved Egypt and in fact, I was lucky enough to travel there in my early 20's with my boyfriend at the time. I got to see many wonderful things there, and immerse myself for a while in the culture. I'd go back in a heartbeat.
Your comment about recovery being "about being able to face our pasts" rang very true, loud and clear for me.
In recent sessions with my therapist, I was able to see that avoidance isn't a life-long strategy for coping. In fact, avoidance will eventually reach a point where it hurts you.
I'm so glad you will be able to go and see old friends and re-live some of your history. Nothing wrong with that at all.
We've all done things we aren't proud of (even the people who lie and say they haven't), and what those things are, is a matter of degree.
We can never take those things back, but we can continue to grow and learn. And if we do that, facing up to where we've come from honestly, there's nothing anyone can throw at you.
Its a rock-solid place to stand.
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Hi Svasti,
Yes, you know what it means to know that you need to confront the past in order to live in the present--I know you are going through that now and you will feel so much relief when you do work your way through it.
I'm so glad I'm going to see my old friends too--these are some amazing people--creative, brilliant, interesting--and my relationships with these people were built on friendship, rather than drug use and that's a huge distinction. Interestingly, when I talked to my friend Sally and I was bemoaning the bad friend I'd been--she said, "Melinda--you weren't that bad--you were a drug addict and did some messed up things--but no more than the rest of us." I think I always tended to believe I was more evil than I really was.
And you are right--we can't change our past--but we can change our future, which is what I concentrate on today!
Thanks for stopping by, Svasti--
Melinda
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I hate it when people can be so mean about what nationality others are. This world is so full of racism. When in reality we ALL came from the mid east Egyptians. I believe that is where the human race had our start point.
And do you know that today, I was at the gym working out on the bike, watching TV and on came another racism issue. They had www.blackjobs.com What the FUCK is that? If White people had whitejobs.com and had jobs for strictly white people all hell would break loose. I'm so freakin sick of racism. *uuuggghhhh* *screaming*
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Great point, Sheila! We did all come from the Middle East, originally!
That's horrible--blackjobs--and there really is a lot of racism in the U.S. still--although (me as the eternal optimist) see that Obama's election as such a huge move in the right direction. I guess sometimes we have to pause while climbing that mountain and think about how far we have come rather than how far we have left to go. That's such a disgusting link though!
Melinda
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This was a delicious post, rich and satisfying.....much like your life, when seen in full perspective.
I hope you get some good shots or even a video of this event in May and might consider sharing them at your blog. It's going to be a great night!
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I'm definitely going to have my camera with me and promise to post pictures of the event. I know it is going to be an amazing performance and I just can't wait to see everyone. Woo hoo!
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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Sometimes I wish I had a past to reclaim, or old friends to get back in touch with, but I really don't. I am repairing my relationship with my sister. We spent many years not talking, and it was so silly, especially since she lives nearby.
It's a horrible thing to know every friend you ever had, besides maybe 2, are all drug addicts, everyone of them. And the rest are dead or in prison. You know the feeling. Anyone I know that I'd really like to see has moved away, but there are a few people I'd like to see again.
But I have a new life now and I am happier than I've ever been. Maybe I'm happy for the first time in my entire life. You always inspire me Melinda. The only friends I have now are new ones, but I am careful in trusting just anyone---perhaps remnants of a dark past. You know, I've let go of so much negativity today. I thought I had really reached a high level of understanding, but now I realize I am just starting out. A new person. The me I buried years ago somewhere in the graveyard of my soul.
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Bobby,
I so relate to what you wrote--I know the exact feeling you have right now because I felt that way early in my recovery. I think the reason why there are so many people that I wanted to get in touch with is because there was a good span of my young adulthood when I wasn't a junkie. I did a lot of drugs but I wasn't an addict and the people I surrounded myself with weren't addicts either (although many of them did a lot of drugs--we were friends first and foremost--not users). Particularly when I was doing theater--while we all 'partied' --it wasn't the sleezy 'drug relationships' that became my cirle of friends later on. Those people? The sleezy drug users? I have no desire to see any of them again--but then, they were never real friends.
I think it's great that you are rebuilding a relationship with your sister. My relationship with my sister has been strained throughout our lives, which is a shame since we could have been advocates for each other in childhood if things had been different. Like you, I am slowly trying to rebuild a relationship with her--although it is still fairly strained, I think.
Thank you for your honesty--I love that about you.
Melinda
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You know someone has a well rounded life, when they mention that they are going to the symphony one night, and then fly to San Francisco to go see the Mutants. LOL!
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LOL, it's true, Tommy--I've always had somewhat eclectic taste in music.
Melinda
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melinda I know how you feel about when you say people seen you as the old person and not the new reinvented you, when I was a preacher, people refuse to see me as a a preacher, until GOD showed them through his spirit that I was a called preacher of the word, keeep your head time will show them the new you.
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I think you are right, Jesse. My old friends can't help but view me as the 'old Melinda' because they haven't yet gotten to know the new one. But over time, they will--just as your friends did.
Thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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Melinda,
I completely relate to your sense of being an outsider. Growing up Korean in Chicago's blue collar suburbs was hard to put it lightly. Most children didn't understand that Asians didn't have to Japanese or Chinese. They were incredibly cruel about my almond eyes, black hair, and olive skin color. I felt like I automatically had the disadvantage of being an outsider due to my ethnicity. As I got older, My feeling of being on the outside resulted in crippling low self-esteem and self-medication (food addiction and bulimia). I felt so different and ashamed of myself.
Your journey to self-acceptance is so amazing. I am glad you can revisit and reclaim the experiences you have gone through. It's inspiring to those of us who are still wading through the mud.
Before I was laid off, I was actively trying to reshape the way I viewed myself and how I approached the world. I tried to focus on optimism and shaping my life to resemble my dreams. I worked on independence and learning to love myself.
Losing my job has been a major setback, but I made one major step today. After a few weeks of despair filled introspection, I decided to recommit myself to MYSELF. I had lost sight of all the progress I had made in the past two years since. It's time to reclaim it.
I will write a post about this tonight or tomorrow. (((Hugs))) to you and thank you for all your advice and most of all, being so honest in your writing.
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Stillthinking,
Yes, I am sure you do understand what it is like to be an outsider--and to question your heritage and even resent it.
I actually have two nephews and one niece who are Korean; my sister adopted all three from Korea when they were babies. I thought that was great to adopt these kids because they gave them a very stable, great life, complete with college funds. However, I didn't understand why my sister moved them to a tiny town in Colorado which I felt was very unfair to these kids. My sister grew up as an outsider as I did--and I know from talking to her as an adult that she went through a lot of what I did. I thought it would have been far better had she raised the kids in a more diverse place, such as San Francisco--or any other city that had a Korean population.
One nephew, I am very worried about--I see him making a lot of the same mistakes I made (into drugs) and I see a lot of self-loathing that I understand all too well. I only hope that he can make it out at an earlier age than I did.
I am so happy to hear that you are recommitting yourself to yourself. iThat's so important to do and even though things are rough for you right now, I am glad you see the clarity in doing that.
I was a little worried when I read your last blog post this morning--but you sound more positive here. I'm so glad of that. Here's a big (((((hug))))) back at you--after all, we're all just muddling through trying to do the best we can!
Take care,
Melinda
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I found your blog recently and what you write has touched me. I am an abuse survivor and reading your words has inspired me to keep going.
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I'm so sorry you suffered as I did. We are both survivors and lean on each other. I'm so glad to have inspired you--you can overcome what happened to you as well.
Take care of yourself,
Melinda
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Using corny expressions like "messed up as a soup sandwich"...sorry, Melinda, but that just might be something to be ashamed of.
Apart from that...ultimately, I think we need to learn to own everything, since, ultimately, it all shaped us. I often fantasize about going back and redoing things...little butterfly effect-type changes that would likely--but not necessarily--put my whole life on a better track, saved me a whole lot of trouble...or maybe just gotten me into different kinds of trouble. Ultimately, though, the result would be a 43 year old guy who wouldn't be me at all. The only actual me I've got is the one with the checkered past, deep neuroses, etc., so that's the only one I've got to work with. There's no other self to accept if I don't accept this one....
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I'm kind of a corny gal, sometimes, Jay--although the expression I usually use is 'fucked up as a soup sandwich' is more to my liking.
I used to fantasize all the time about going back into the past and changing things--but I don't do that any longer. I think I have reached the point where I am at peace with all the decisions I made in my life--even the bad ones. It sounds as though you have reached that point as well--and really--to wish we were someone different at this point of our lives is such a huge waste of time.
Melinda
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Melinda,
It is a great feeling to embrace the past, to integrate the good parts into your life and accept the bad parts, too. They are all part of the same continuum.
That feeling of being an outsider is very familiar to me. Of course, I blended in in terms of my background -- as the common American white-bread WASP -- but often felt different. And still do in many ways, but the tenor of the feeling has changed. These differences are what make us unique, and they can provide some great writing material!
And you remind me to contact my Egyptian friend, who is a smart, tough but sensitive woman who has overcome a difficult past and a horrible father (sounds familiar, doesn't it? Though she still lives in Egypt ...)
Jennifer
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Hi Jennifer,
I think I know that you felt like an outsider--we both had experiences in our childhoods that caused us to greatly question who we were--and what our worth was. These are (unfortunately) some of the hallmarks of child abuse (emotiona and verbal, as well as neglect). Your writing has often illuminated those feelings of withdrawal and self-blame; I think this is why we really do understand each other on a level that many, who have not had difficult childhoods cannot.
How interesting that you have an Egyptian friend! I haven't been back to Egypt for many years but Les and I are planning a trip back in the winter of 2010. He's never been there and has always wanted to go--and I want to go to the pyramics to finally make peace with my heritage. It has only been recently that I felt pride in being Egyptian.
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you here! I took an entire day away from the computer. What a concept!
Melinda
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I am guilty of looking at people as the person they used to be and not the person they are now, but I never bring up their past to them and don't judge them for it. Hell, we are all ashamed of things we did in the past.
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Hi Mike,
I actually think it is natural for people to look at a person as they were when you once knew them--how could you not? Hopefully, over time, all my friends will get to know the 'new Melinda' and not just remember the old one.
Melinda
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Melinda,
I started following your blog a couple weeks ago. I was impressed by your frankness about your past drug use, and especially impressed how your compassion, using you past to help others rather than push an ideology.
As for this thread: I, too, had my mother send me to shrinks at an early age, which I resented deeply. (I'm not sure it's possible for a child NOT to resent this.) I've finally started seeing somone of my own accord, though, and it's a different matter entirely: I think largely because he's as much of a natural skeptic as I.
It was particularly fun hearing you read your blog, and I'll be anticpating your next post!
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Hi Bryan,
Thanks so much for stopping by! I appreciate it. I agree with you--I think most kids would resent being sent to a shrink. In my case, I felt different enough without the idea that I needed to go see someone because of how different I was.
And I think I can relate to what you said about being skeptical--even now, with quite a bit of education in psychology, I am quite skeptical about many in the profession. But just like any other profession, there are good and bad--and it is always the bad that get the most attention.
Melinda
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