Facing Fear: A Day of Salvation
I was in mourning a good part of that first year in recovery. I grieved the loss of heroin as I would mourn any loss. Heroin ravaged my soul—had completely torn my life apart; however, I relied on its anesthetic properties to block unwanted feelings of rage and sadness.
In recovery, I found a poor substitute in chocolate frosting—I'd eat it directly out of the can, crying all the while. Not only did I mourn the loss of heroin, but I also grieved for having lost so much of my life. I was Rip Van Winkle, awakening in my thirties—what happened to my youth? My twenties were gone in a dim haze of endless parties and lost weekends. So much wasted time—all for nothing. But even as I mourned and ate that chocolate frosting, I continued to hang on, somehow trusting that if I could only stay clean, things would work out.
As I was learning to live drug free, one nagging worry kept haunting me.
HIV.
The BIG “A.”
I had seen more than my share of friends fall to the disease. I was in San Francisco for the birth of this terrible disease, when early whispers of ‘gay cancer’ evolved to the reality of AIDS. I’d seen the stigmatization and fear that accompanied each new case and we all lived in fear during those early days. When a roommate I’d shot up with was hospitalized with pneumonia, fearful chills ran through all of us who’d partied with Jerry—was it that kind of pneumonia? We were all so relieved to learn it was not. There were other scares as well. When the Wild Women were in New York City during the early days of AIDS, I came down with a nasty rash on my legs. Upon seeing the mysterious bumps, Susan, the lead guitarist, exclaimed excitedly, “You have AIDS, Melinda! That’s AIDS!” It turned out it wasn’t AIDS but simply a case of ‘dermatitis.’ But we all lived our lives expecting the disease to claim us.
When high, I didn’t worry so much HIV—but when the drugs wore off and depression set in, dark thoughts would take over. I coped in my usual way—with a shot, a drink, or a hit on the crack pipe. Drugs kept fear at bay. However, in recovery, there was no masking the worrisome thoughts—chocolate frosting just wasn’t cutting it. I thought about it constantly; it interfered with my studies and with my sleep. I knew I had AIDS. How could I not? How ironic, I thought—I finally get clean—only to lose my life to AIDS.
It became an obsession.
If an infection or cut that didn’t heal as quickly as I thought it should, it was a sign of AIDS. Fear would accompany each cold—would the cold linger? Would it develop into pneumonia? I searched for any possible sign of AIDS—becoming an expert on the disease, reading all the literature about the early signs. Did I—or did I not? I began playing silly childhood games, such as plucking petals from the wildflowers up on Peet’s Hill— “I have AIDS, I have AIDS-NOT.”
Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to face the truth. I had reached a point in my recovery where I knew whatever truth I might have to face would be better than living with uncertainty and fear.
Without telling anyone, I went to get my blood tested. As soon as they drew my blood, I felt a sense of relief. At least I would know. I’d spent a lifetime running –running from the trauma of my childhood, running from Michael’s death—I’d even tried running from addiction. More than once, I’d made a geographical change. By now, I was sick and tired of running; regardless of what the results might be; I would run no longer.
During the next two weeks, I came to accept the fact that I had AIDS. True, the results hadn’t come back—but I knew, with certainty, that they would be positive. I spent that time figuring out how this might influence my plans—I had dialogue in my head of telling my family and friends. Perversely, I fantasized about finally being model thin—for the first time in my life.
Finally, the wait was over. The nurse at the clinic called me to tell me the results were in but she insisted I come in to find out what they were. She explained that counseling was in order whether you were positive or negative. If positive, a psychologist would provide counseling; if negative, you would be educated on safe sex practices.
I sat in the small waiting room at the university clinic, watching the second hand tick into minutes on the wall clock. The wait seemed eternal—the last two weeks had flown by but those few minutes in the waiting room were torturously slow. Finally, I heard a short rap on the door and the nurse practitioner walked in. She was smiling—which confused me—why would she be smiling while telling a person her test was positive?
“Well, Melinda,” she beamed, “You made it! Your test is negative. I’m sure this must be a huge relief to you.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, stupidly.
“Your HIV test—it’s negative!” She repeated.
“The test is wrong!” I blurted out, “You have to test me again.” I knew the test was wrong—and this was the ultimate cruel joke. A false negative to get my hopes up—when it had to be wrong. The test had to be positive.
She saw the panic in my eyes and pulled her chair up close to me, her eyes locking with mine. “Melinda, on the ELISA test, a person is actually tested three times. You tested negative three times, not just once.
Walking out that afternoon, the Montana sunshine seemed just a little brighter—it was as though I woke up and looked at the world with fresh eyes. I made it. I was alive. Moreover, I realized I wanted to live. I’d tried so hard to kill myself—in so many ways but suddenly, I realized how very lucky I really was and I wanted to embrace life. I also knew I had taken another important developmental step—I had faced my fear without running away. That night, my gratefuls took on an even more special meaning.
It was a moment of clarity. I was alive—and I wanted life—I was grateful but with that gratitude came the responsibility of paying it forward—to do whatever I could to help other addicts receive the second chance I was so lucky to have.
I would never take my life for granted again.
Peace,
Melinda
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Categories: Addiction and Recovery,Courage,AIDS,Gratitude
Tags: testing for HIV treatment recovery gratitude
It's wonderful you are writing about getting tested for HIV. I think that under the Bush administration, there was a conscious effort to undermine AIDS awareness. So many people began to believe that they were invulnerable to the disease because of the advances in drugs to inhibit HIV and the virtual muting of safe sex education. One of the worst things that the Bush administration did was to kill the idea that anyone, regardless of risk group, was vulnerable to HIV infection. How many more people have we lost to AIDS because of this squelching of open and honest discussion of HIV prevention? I think with the new administration, we are finally going to see real public acknowledgment that the threat of HIV has not gone away, that education and active intervention is the only way to protect ourselves. I think it's time that public health policy stop reflecting fundamentalist religious values and start facing the reality of this world.
I have been putting off getting tested for HIV and getting an STD blood panel done for almost 3 years. I am not in a high risk group, but I am sexually active. You have convinced me that I have a responsibility to myself and to others to get tested. Thanks.
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stillthinking,
I definitely believe that the Bush administration put a lot of social issues, including AIDS awareness, on the backburner. And as a result, there has been an increase in some populations that had seen a decline (such as the gay population). And that's just terrible.
I think it is scary for anyone who has ever had unsafe sex to be tested for HIV. What I do know is that it is harder to acquire than most people realize. I know, for a fact, that I have used a needle of someone who had AIDS--and I never acquired the disease. But I also believe that there is a certain segment of the population that actually has immunity (I would not be surprised if I did).
I hope that this post inspires other people to get tested--I can't tell you how freeing it was for me to face this fear, get tested, and learn the results.
Thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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I want to share something with you. As I read these posts and hear your remarkable story I'm so grateful that I know in advance that there is a happy ending. Sometimes I forget that for just a second or two as I read and a sense of dread touches me.
There were some many twists and turns in your remarkable life that could have led to either an immediate end or another trauma and you survived them all. I'm so very glad that you did because if you hadn't I would never have met you and found your blog.
As I read about your response to the HIV test results I felt the hair raise on my arms for I had one of those seconds of dread. I think I clearly understand were your head was at when you questioned the test results. You felt undeserving and you were proven wrong -- alleluia!
You have given so much to your readers and you have so much more to give, Melinda. May your plans for your book and foundation be blessed with an outpouring of generous contributions so your story can be heard and heeded.
Love & peace,
tt
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Thank you so much for your words--they mean a great deal to me. It really is amazing how much I lived through--and I am so thankful that I did. I was so careless with my life for so long--but the good news is that I really get so much out of life today. Each day, I awaken with gratitude to be where I am. And even though I have suffered through a lot--I have also experienced some of the greatest joy that any one person can have.
You are very insightful in your comment about my reaction to the test results--how right you are--I never believed I deserved anything good for so long--and not only that--I believed I was inherently bad for so long that I felt I deserved evil. When I was raped as a prostitute, I really did believe I deserved it. But I was finally able to understand that I deserve good things just as anyone does.
Thank you so much (also) for your good wishes for the book and for the Melindaville Foundation. That is truly my dream--and I believe it will be realized. If I can save even one life, then all of this will be worth it.
Thanks again, dear friend--
Melinda
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"Negative... you mean it's not good?"
The silliest things can go through our heads... especially when we're convinced of the worst.
It's one test we're all pleased to fail!
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I'm sure you understand just what type of relief it really is--I had really convinced myself that I was positive.
Thanks for stopping by, Shane--
Melinda
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As a person who came of age during the AIDS era and hooked up with various people that I never saw again, I constantly worried about this, too. The worries ended when I had some blood tests during my pregnancy four years ago (though now I am wondering: did they test my blood three times??? Well, gee, I hope so.).
What a huge relief for you and also a way to recognize that life was what you really wanted.
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Hi Jennifer,
I think many people (not just junkies) had their worries. I know I've had many friends who never used IV drugs--but who did engage in casual sex here and there tell me their fears as well.
Also, I am very sure they did test your blood three times. Most people don't know this--but they are very careful.
Thanks for stopping by, Jennifer--
Melinda
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It should have been an overwhelming feeling of exhilaration when such an enormous looming fear was lifted off your thoughts.
Seems like, though a certain fear existed throughout the road to recovery you undertook, the Second Chance was not given with any conditions, it was a full reprieve from all those dark times.
And to quote:
"I had faced my own fear without running away.."
That's the best step, the only way to allay fear is to stand up to it and face it so that it may be put to rest forever.
And another thing, its also apparent that the desire in you for reform was immense, thereby giving you the will power to face whatever consequences you had to face in order to relinquish the past.
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Very insightful, Praz--and yes, it was a full reprieve from all those dark times. You are also right that I finally did have a true desire to change--and that's the bottom line for anyone. True change has to come from within--unless that is in place, it is impossible.
Nice to see you again! Thanks for stopping by Melindaville.
Melinda
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It's amazing how careless drugs and alcohol can make you. I know exactly what you mean when you sober up and start to worry.
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Definitely, Mike--I think many people can relate to that. Even people who don't have serious drug problems--almost everyone has been careless at one time or another under the influence.
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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You have had an amazing life. But what i admire most about you is that you did't lose yourself. You are fast becoming my hero. I had to do a HIV/AIDS test recently as a requirement for entering a foreign country and i was totally petrified. Even though i've always been careful and all, i still couldn't shake off the fear. I almost passed out from relief when the result came back negative. Now i'm even more careful. Everybody should do the test. It will help save your life whether negative or positive. Thank you, Melinda for sharing your beautiful life with us. You are touching so many lives.
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Wow--thank you so much for your kind words--they mean so much to me.
I think that even if a person is careful, there's always that little worry you have--was I careful enough? What if there was a mistake of some kind? What if a condom broke--or what if, what if, what if.
I do believe that everyone who has any possibility of acquiring HIV should be tested. For one thing, treatment is much more successful if the virus is found early on--and from another point, it is such a huge relief to know! It was so hard for me to get that test--but it was so important for my personal development.
Thank you again,
Melinda
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This was such an honest and raw read. Thank you for sharing. I love how you ended this entry with gratitude and appreciation.
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Victorine, I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it! And I very much appreciate your stopping by--
Melinda
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This is one of the most powerfully written stories I've read here among many others of equal force. I had tears in my eyes at the final part where you realized you wanted to live. That's what got me through cancer - a deep down surge for life against the death wish of depression.
Thanks so much!
All love -- John
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You know, John, I have heard quite a few people feel the same way we both did when faced with the idea of losing our life--or being given that second chance. And that was the first time I realized how grateful I was to be alive--and I have never strayed from that gratitude since. I'm so happy you fought your way through that death wish of depression. (((((((((hug)))))))).
Melinda
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Another beautifully written post! I know I have the same feelings about getting tested for HIV even though I haven't lived a particularly risky life. I'm very afraid.
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Hi Steve,
I think most people are scared--even if they haven't lived a particularly risky life. Because you always wonder in the back of your mind . . .
If you haven't yet been tested, you really should! It's a great feeling of relief!
Melinda
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Dear mam
You are really very lucky. Most of the people in your place would not have been so lucky. I think it was by hthe grace of God that you were saved. Probably you had done something very good in the past or God wanted to make you do something evenmore better in the future !!!!
take care
harneet singh
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Dear Harneet,
I truly am blessed today and I know it--my early life was very, very difficult--but things are going so well today--I am so blessed to have th e life I do that I am thankful every single day.
Thank you so much for stopping by--
Take care,
Melinda
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Not often am I able to read an entire blog that has captured my attention as this post. I got tested for HIV a few months ago, as my now ex-boyfriend was very unfaithful. From the moment I got tested, til the 2 weeks I had to go back for the results, I couldn't sleep or eat. I thought I was the only one. I was promising GOD that if I didn't have it, I would do this or do that. Now that I got my results, I just have to make good on those promises. You are a very good writer. I will definitely share this post.
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Thanks so much for stopping by Dee and for sharing your story. I know how you felt when you were waiting for those test results!
Melinda
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Hi Melinda!
Yours is a very colorful life. One that, I believe, will inspire others as it inspires me. I am particularly touched when you asked yourself "What happened to my youth?"; that you were Rip Van Winkle. Yes, I used to tell myself also that I was a guy who slept for 20 years and that I lost a big portion of my youth. I had been enslaved by fears and anxieties for so many years and am glad I am now liberated from those negative emotions. Just like you, I am a survivor, too.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'll visit your blog again. God bless!
Goddy
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Hi Goddy!
I'm so happy to hear that you are liberated from your fears and anxieties--I know those can be very crippling to a person just as addiction is. Thank you so much for stopping by!
Melinda
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