Life's Challenges
Every once in a while, one of my readers makes a comment saying I seem to have found all the answers—that I am without struggles at this point of my life. While it’s true that I do try to center my blog on hope and optimism—even in the posts that illustrate some of the terrible experiences I’ve had, I am not without challenges in my life. However, these days, I try to focus on positivity because when one experiences the absolute bottom of despair—when you are utterly devoid of hope and then you do get your life back, it’s impossible to take optimism and hope out of the equation.
Therefore, I make no apologies for my optimism! Moreover, I believe it is an innate characteristic of mine—because even during those very dark days, I nearly always held on to hope. The only time I remember losing all hope was that last weekend, when my third suicide attempt landed me in a coma in the hospital. That experience was the essence of losing all faith and hope—that devastatingly hard bottom when you believe you can no longer face another day.
But now it’s time for me to share some of my current struggles—and to be as candid as possible, even though I rarely talk about them. Only a handful of people know about them (until now—ha!). My current struggles are an artifact of my former life. So, I also speak to those who might be wondering what the long term effects of drugs can be—well listen closely, because my story tells the tale.
My current struggles are mostly physical at this point—and people are surprised to hear this because I look very healthy. In fact, I look amazingly healthy considering the number of years I did drugs. And in many ways, I am healthy. But, I most certainly did do damage due to my addiction to drugs—damage I never thought of while I was using. In fact, when I was first in recovery, a doctor asked me why I hadn’t considered what the long-term effects of drugs might be. I looked him dead in his eye and said, “Because I honestly didn’t think I would live this long.” And I didn’t. Honestly! When I was using, I never considered what long-term damage I might be doing. But believe me, I think of it now because I live with that damage every single day.
I am not even sure it was so much the drugs I did but the lack of nutrition. When I was a junkie, I would literally go days on eating nothing but a candy bar or two—I never ate dairy, vegetables, fruits, or took vitamins. As a result, I did terrible damage to my teeth and bones. This resulted in the biggest challenge I am faced with today—and in some ways, it is one of the biggest challenges I’ve had in my life, both when I was using and now that I am clean. My challenge is living with a debilitatingly painful back condition. 
When I was in my second year of graduate school, I lifted an elliptical cross trainer with a friend while moving to a new apartment and as soon as I lifted it, I heard a loud POP (!) and was immediately in the worst pain of my life. Literally, I hit the floor. I couldn’t even stand up—couldn’t even walk—my friend had to call 911 for an ambulance to take me to the hospital. Over the following week, I found out that I had a herniated disc in my lower back, which was causing me so much pain. Although I was in serious pain, I didn’t think much about the long-term prognosis; the doctors seemed to think I would heal to a point where my back would no longer cause me discomfort and I had every reason to believe them. I knew the road back to wellness would require intensive physical therapy and hard work on my part and I was more than willing to do whatever it took to get myself back to normal.
Well, over the course of the next six months to a year, I tried every kind of treatment for my back. I went to chiropractors, physical therapists, acupuncturists, even hypnotists. I learned that my herniated disc would likely never be normal because of an underlying condition, which had likely caused (or at least exacerbated) the herniated disc to begin with. I learned that I had a very bad case of degenerative disc disease throughout my entire spine (in fact, the doctor who looked at my MRI and ex-rays told me that I had the spine of an eighty-year-old woman). I know in my heart it was the poor nutrition, coupled with all the drugs, that caused this condition—or at least brought it on at an age much earlier than when it should have occurred.
Nearly ten years later, I deal with pain every single day. The degenerative disc disease and herniated discs have now morphed into dealing with painful bouts of sciatica every day. In fact, I don’t know what it’s like to be pain free; today, pain is something I have learned to deal with. It does wear on me at times—and it is the biggest reason why I teach classes online rather than teach in a face-to-face classroom.
I believe it is important for me to 'come clean' and tell all of you about my struggle with pain because it is a big part of my life. I've always tried hiding any pain I've been in—whether it was emotional or now physical. It's not easy for me to tell people about the challenges I have. I have always tried to be ‘Super Melinda’ –the invincible woman who has no problems, no struggles, and no pain. However, I am human just like everyone else. I make mistakes, I have bad days where I am a total bitch, and I sometimes have pain in my life beyond what most people could cope with.
However, at the same time, I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have a wonderful life with a loving husband, as well as an amazing family and friends who have stood by me through it all. On top of all that, I have an education no one can ever take away from me, as well as a meaningful career I really do love. But most importantly, I am in remarkably good health—while it is true I do have an extremely painful back condition, I never acquired HIV/AIDS and I certainly put myself at risk. But the greatest gift is to still have a mind that works well—because without that, I could not be doing what I am today.
It is not the challenges we face that define us—but how we meet those challenges. I know for me, that being grateful—saying my ‘gratefuls’ every single night keeps me humble and appreciative of just how lucky I am.
Peace to all,
Melinda
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Categories: Drugs,Challenges,Healing,Addiction and Recovery,Courage,Pain
Oh, Melinda, bless your heart. I am so sorry to hear that you experience daily pain, and I'm grateful that you shared that 'Super Melinda' endures such a challenge. It actually makes you more super in my mind! You've touched upon a subject that I think remains hidden among the subtopics under addiction and recovery, the physical aftereffects of addition. Similar to soldiers, in a strange way, we in recovery are battle-worn; dissimilar to soldiers regarding our battle scars is the fact that our exposure to "toxins" were self-imposed. But the ticking physical time bomb seems much the same to me. It hits home personally because I've been remarkably lucky to have good health and a strong body in spite of the years of damage I inflicted on myself....but in my physical last summer I was shocked out of my mind when my doctor said the chest x-ray showed early emphysema. He said I "won't notice anything for about ten years." For months after learning this I was in a depression, couldn't even tell my husband. This is the first I've written about it, here in your comments section, and certainly due to your post. I think this is a huge issue and you may be onto one of the next key factors for future study in this field.
Big hug.
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Bless your heart, Lydia--I am so sorry to hear about the signs of emphysema--I wish I could give you a big hug right now but a virtual (((((((hug))))))) will have to do. I know what you mean by the depression--when the doctor first showed me my MRI's and X-Rays, I was incredibly depressed--I guess because it finally hit home just how much damage had really been done. Hopefully, for both of us, there will be even better treatments for this in the future (and who knows now that stem cell research is a 'go' again).
You are so right, we are soldiers that survived the war on drugs--ones that we waged against ourselves. It will be very interesting to see what types of problems our generation will face--because all of us (and the older baby boomers) were the first generation to really do the amount of drugs/drinking that all of us did. I agree with you that this will be an important field of study.
I sometimes wonder what other surprises might be in store for me as time goes on--but you know, we are both so lucky to have made it out alive, even--when so many did not.
Thanks for sharing your own struggle, Lydia--I really do think it helps all of us when we realize we aren't alone in our challenges. All of us face them.
Melinda
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I am sorry to hear about your ongoing struggle with physical pain, but am relieved to know that you escaped HIV infection. I always appreciate your honesty and the wonderful example you set for the rest of us!
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Thank you so much. I don't know how I got so lucky to escape HIV--I was at risk, particularly in the days before we knew it even existed. I will say this, I always used condoms when I was working as a call girl and once I knew about HIV, I carried a small bottle of bleach with me at all times to sterilize my syringes.
Doing both of these likely saved my life. I lived in San Francisco during the 80's and had/have lots of gay friends and saw many of them become ill. It made a huge impression on me and caused me to be a litle smarter.
Melinda
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My father and a lot of my friends have dealt with back pain for a long time, so I've always made an effort to be careful about lifting things. I've only had back pain for about a week in my life and I got really depressed thinking that I had messed myself up forever. I feel for you. Back pain pretty much puts you out of comission.
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Thanks for your comments, Mike. Yes, back pain can be extremely hard to live with. I am usually able to deal with it pretty well using a lot of alternative therapies, which helps a lot. I think a lot of it has to do with your mental attitude, also. I try to focus on the positive things that are going on, which helps take my mind off my pain.
Thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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Sorry to read about this back pain, Melinda. Wishing you all the best.
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Thank you so much, Jaya--as I said, my life is pretty wonderful in all other ways. And no one ever said it was going to be easy!
Melinda
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Seriously, props to you. Living with chronic pain is far from easy. And its really tough to manage a positive attitude to go with all that you have to deal with.
I have a friend who should've died in a workplace accident. He lived, and while he'll never hold down a full time job again, he's doing very well.
He overcame an addiction to morphine, depression and somehow even his marriage survived. And he has a very laid back, chilled out attitude. Even though every day includes a level of pain most people would take a day off work sick, for. At the very least.
So, I fully understand how tough it is, the mental as well as physical challenges you face each day.
Regardless of how this injury came to be and your underlying condition, you're showing your strength and bravery in how you cope.
The lack of nutrition side of things must be so common for addicts - not only do the drugs make people not want to eat, but I'm assuming eating is not a priority, and there would also be others who can't 'afford' decent food, when drugs need to be purchased.
Yet another tragic outcome of the world of addiction.
Thank you so much for sharing, once again.
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Hey Svasti,
I think the physical pain is so much easier to deal with than the emotional pain I was in for so many years--so honestly, I do okay--even though I am in a lot of pain. I also manage to do pretty well with alternative therapies such as yoga (I saw you mentioned that in your comment to me on your blog), biofeedback, meditation, acupuncture, and physical therapy.
I really do think the lack of nutrition was more damaging than the drug abuse--and actually heroin causes much less damage than most drugs (alcohol, for example is one of the most damaging of all drugs).
As far as I'm concerned--I am still the luckiest woman in the world! I look at my life today and still have to pinch myself--I made it out alive and mostly healthy.
Thanks as always, my Aussie friend, for stopping by.
Melinda
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Now wait a second, Melinda...you DON'T have all the answers??!! What the hell have I been reading yer damn blog for, then??!!
Just kidding. Seriously, I'm surprised that that recovery doctor would ask such an incredibly stupid question. While, fortunately, I always managed not to get myself hooked on hard drugs, the drugs I did use tended to feel like the only things standing between me and the abyss. Who the fuck cares about how healthy you're going to be in twenty years when it's not so clear that life is worth living now? The first time I smoked pot, at seventeen, represented one of very few times I'd felt happy and content in the previous five years. For that matter, I think there were very few times during my young adulthood when I felt any kind of peace without a buzz--the straight life, based on my experience at that time, simply sucked--whether I was healthy or not. This, of course, is why that "just say no" stuff is such crap--you need something to say yes to--a reason to care whether you're going to be healthy at seventy...
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LOL, Jay! You really did make me LOL with your opening line (Shhhhhh--don't tell anyone I don't have all the answer--I think I have them fooled!
I probably should have clarified--the doctor who treated me was not a recovery doctor--I was having some other health issues (after all, it had been literally years since I'd seen a doctor) but I was also surprised he asked me that. I totally agree with you on the 'Just Say No' crap--to someone who has a suicide wish, that's just not gonna fly!
Re death--I had the same attitude that you did--and to be honest, I know that I wanted to die for many years. I invited death in many ways. I was not ever afraid of it--and am still not. And that's not such a bad thing.
Thanks for stopping by and making me laugh, Jay--you know, laughter really is the best remedy.
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I understand very well what you are going through because I also live with chronic pain in my spine from damage done years ago, and also from fibromylagia when it flares up.
My husband had two herniated discs in his spine and suffered horribly for 8 months. He was totally incapacitated by the sciatica and developed a dropped foot. Then we heard of a surgeon who had had great success with patients who had similar conditions through our family doctor. The GP made a referral to the surgeon and my husband endured 6 more weeks to get an appointment with him. The surgeon scheduled surgery immediately and removed the discs. Thereafter my husband recovered rapidly and completely and has been pain free ever since.
I'm wondering if this surgery is not also an option that you should explore, Melinda.
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Hi Timethief,
Yes, my friend--I know you also suffer from debilitating pain, so you know full well what how challenging it can be; it really can color how you view the world when the pain is bad.
I have only one option for surgery--and that would be spinal fusion. This means that the spine in my lumbar region would be fused--and from everything I have read, this procedure is far from a sure thing. Almost everyone I have talked to who has had the surgery is still in some amount of pain--and I would say that 50% are in worse pain than they were before the procedure. Part of the problem, for me, is the degenerative disc disease--it makes me not the best candidate for surgery. However, if I start losing muscle or bladder control then I will have to have the surgery because there could be irreparable nerve damage if I do not (it sounds as though your hubby had that going on). At this point, though, I figure 'the devil I know, is better than the devil I don't know."
I'm actually hoping that stem cell research might provide some answers somewhere along the line. It's too bad that President Bush held us back on that front for eight long years. There have been some promising studies regarding spinal cord injuries and I would love to be part of a research project to explore some possibilities.
For now, I try to concentrate on the positive and treat my pain with as many holistic, alternate remedies as possible. I am mostly able to control the pain using biofeedback, meditation, yoga, physical therapy, and acupuncture. There are days, though, when I just have to hunker down and blow snot bubbles (cry). I'm blessed to have a wonderful, supportive husband and lovely friends like you who take my mind off it!
Thanks as always for your comments and for your friendship.
Melinda
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It takes a lot of strength to get up everyday in pain and I admire your conviction and choice to live happily regardless--especially with a great attitude. I'm so with you on Bush's position on stem cell research . . . it's ridiculous and all that is over now (hopefully). Let's hope some genius scientist finds new ways to combat this. Until then, live strong and keep writing. I'll be reading (I am your fan forever). Thanks Melinda!
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Thank you, Bobby--I am your fan forever too!
It will be very exciting to see what types of new directions stem cell research might take us--so many possibilities! Thank goodness we have a president who understands that!
Melinda
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I am always amazed at the beauty of an enduring soul. I love your attitude and outlook on life.
You can add me to your fan list with Bobby!
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Thank you so much, Angela--I'm a big fan of yours too! You also have a great attitude.
Melinda
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Melinda: This is why I keep coming back to your blog - statements like this:
"I make mistakes, I have bad days where I am a total bitch..."
Some bloggers say this as pure snark about themselves - an insincere effort to drive traffic to their sites. When you say it - we all relate and secretly know it's true about us, too.
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Thank you so much, Jen--it definitely did come from my heart!
Melinda
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You have days when are a total bitch? Well, you are alone there, Melinda.
Back pain is a terrible thing. My father has been having major problems with this (it seems to be nerve-based; I can't remember the name for it right now, but it is not common) for the past two years. Like you, he has very few options. He's pretty much housebound. It's a terrible thing.
I hope you are able to manage the daily pain and that some treatment is developed soon!
Jennifer, catching up ...
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Hi Jennifer,
I manage my back pain with a variety of tools--and I am just starting a new, intensive program of physical therapy, biofeedback, acupuncture, and electrical stimulation. I am hopeful that there will be some developments in the area of stem cell research (thank you Obama!).
More than anything, though, gratitude keeps me balanced.
Thanks for stopping by!
Melinda
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It seems to me it takes a lot of courage to be you, and be honest in front of everyone as you are. I'm certain it gives hope and strength to others. My hat is off to you.
BTW, have you tried adding a little yoga to your PT and such for your back? My mother broke her spine falling out of a tree when she was a child and did yoga to help ease the pain. She said it really helped quite a bit, and it's gentle so you can't hurt yourself (if you do it right).
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Sylvie,
Thanks so much for stopping by--I appreciate it! Funny you should mention yoga--because I just started a weekly class with an instructor who deals specifically with people with back injuries. I can already feel the benefits!
Melinda
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