That First Love
I sometimes miss the theater. First bitten by the theater bug at the age of about five or six, it was my first love—a passion that lasted for many years. I have often looked at leaving the theater as a pivotal time in my life. It was almost as though the dream kept my personal demons at bay, allowing me to have some semblance of a normal life. When my dream of really making it in the theater was snuffed out, the demons could no longer be contained; they raged to the surface and within only a year, I had built a fire that would nearly consume me. My casual relationship with drugs became a powerfully destructive marriage; my previous love, which had been the theater, was replaced with the sadistic master: addiction. I would not have known how to stop it from happening even if I had realized it at the time.
My love of the theater and my dreams of becoming a famous and well respected actress was the one saving grace of an all too painful childhood and troubled young adulthood. Throughout junior high and high school, it was only the lure of the theater that kept me engaged at all. I left for San Francisco while still in my teens to pursue my dreams and I enjoyed some success in the theater. Within two years of moving to the city and working in local venues such as the Eureka and Magic Theater, The New Shakespeare Company of San Francisco (now defunct) cast me as their leading actress for their upcoming spring tour. Based in San Francisco, the troupe spent eight months of every year on the road, playing in venues as modest as a high school gym in the middle of Kansas to a well-known Shakespeare Company in Roanoke Island, North Carolina. The two years I spent with this company, touring across the country, were amongst the happiest of my life. At nineteen, I was playing incredible roles with this company; I played Titania in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Gertrude in Hamlet, Rosalind in As You Like It, and Pirate Jenny in The Three Penny Opera, the only non-Shakespearean play the company performed. Heady stuff for such a young actress. Not only was I playing roles that any actress would kill for—I was being paid to live my dream—and as a huge bonus, I was able to see the entire country for the first time in my life. It was bliss.
After the company was no longer able to pay its actors, I decided to really make a go of it by moving to New York City, which opened my eyes to a far more hostile theater environment than San Francisco was. I’d always known it would be difficult to make it in the theater but after moving to New York City and seeing all the incredible talent lining each and every audition, a good deal of hope was just snuffed. It was in New York City that I lost faith in my dreams and in my talent and this was truly a crushing blow. I realize now I likely needed to grieve for the death of that lost dream. Instead, I masked that grief with every substance I could find to put in my body; the drugs shrouded my wall of pain.
As Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire
In my never-ending quest for self-analysis, I have often mused on why the theater drew me the way it did. Clearly, the reasons are complex. Of course, I loved being the center of attention in any situation and starring in plays had already shown me that all eyes would be on me while I was on stage. I also sensed, even at a very young age, that there would be monetary benefits of being a famous actress. But much more than the superficial and much more obvious reasons why a person would want to be an actor was my absolute passion for being able to shrug off my own, hated identity. I could become someone better than who I was—which was a huge relief, always. I spent my childhood wishing I were this person or that person—I was never satisfied with myself. I grew up in a sea of self-loathing.
But all that would change when I donned a new character. Not only did I immerse myself into the character during the rehearsals, I would actually take on much of the characters I portrayed in real life. I’d never found this problematic in the past but in a repertoire theater, I often felt as though I were a multiple-personality and the rest of the cast noticed it as well. I would see my car-mates eyeing me warily as I slid into my seat in the morning, when we would take off for a long drive to the next gig.
I sometimes miss the theater—at the oddest times, a familiar pull will grab hold of me, particularly when I see a movie or play that moves me. However, my desire for wanting to do a play today is quite different from the way it used to be—I used to need the theater as a validation for self-worth, as well as the need to want to lose myself in a character that had a more compelling life than my own. Today, I just wish for the fun of doing a play—for the camaraderie of the cast, and for the sheer pleasure of being involved in a creative project. Today, I am happy with the woman I see looking back from my reflection; I no longer have the need to mask the pain of my own life with the fantasy of another life.
Peace,
Melinda
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Hi Melinda,
You have a very interesting life. I hope to read your book when it's publish. As for me, I'm an actor, script writer and also involved in everything started as a hippies in early 70s and I'm also planning to write details of myself.
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Hi rusliesophian,
It sounds as though your life has been quite interesting as well! I really recommend writing your memoir--I have found it to be both cathartic and painful--but mostly cathartic.
Thank you for stopping by Melindaville!
Melinda
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Melinda,
Yet another deeply revelatory piece of writing. I am so impressed at your level of honesty and introspection.
I am facing a personal crisis of confidence in myself and realized after reading this chapter, that I was grieving the loss of identity. My demon is not substance abuse, but a lifetime struggle with depression and bulimia.
It took me a very long time to accept that architecture was my calling, but once I did, it became a part of my identity. Losing my job, suddenly stripped that identity away from me. Not eating, binging, purging, near constant anxiety, sadness, disappointment, self-doubt. You medicated yourself through your grief, I punish myself through mine. I know I do this. I know it's destructive.
Writing helps. I feel calmer when I write. I feel more in control.
I know that I will get through this dark time and that in the big context of things, I am not a unique story.
I find your story inspiring and it drives me to try harder to overcome my problems.
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Stillthinking,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through a bad stretch--I definitely know what that's like. One thing that I realize now--is that it is okay to allow ourselves to feel sad--and to grieve. For so many years, I thought I had to squelch any emotion because I had learned to suppress such powerful ones as a child. When I grew up, I didn't believe that I even had the right to feel sadness or loss. But you definitely do.
Losing the ability to do a job you love is a terrible loss--I can understand why you would be sad about that--but sometimes the sadness takes too strong a hold on us and we become depressed--this has happened to me before also. I hope you can find someone to talk to--I know it really helped me. Talking to another person who is objective can help us put our own situation into perspective, which is hard to do when we are in the midst of depression.
One thing I do know is that there is hope. I firmly believe that things occur the way they are supposed to and doors sometimes shut because another one needs to open. I know that no matter how dark things got in my life, they got better if I just stuck to it and did what I was supposed to do.
Contact me anytime--if you need help in finding any resources in your area, let me know. Also, you might want to look into some of the forums that exist for depression--there are a lot of topics for people who have lost jobs--it's really a national crisis. Sometimes it helps for us to know that we aren't alone.
Take care of yourself--and here's a big (((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))). You will get through this and be stronger for it.
Melinda
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You have so many layers to your life, Melinda. I love your theater stories, and this was exciting to read. Love the picture; you are so in character! You know, I hope that after your memoirs are finished you'll find time to go for some community playhouse, somewhere you can get into the character and have the fun you describe as missing sometimes.
My cousin's son is currently in a play off-Broadway. He's had quite a few good roles, some small parts in some movies. No fame though. As my cousin told me, "Just because he hasn't been tapped doesn't mean he isn't excellent at his craft....or that he intends to ever do anything but act!" If it's in your blood, it's in your blood......
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Hi Lydia,
I only wish I would have known then what I know today! I put too much of my own worth in other people's opinions--and the theater was just brutal for that. Of course, your cousin is correct in what she said about her son--just because he hasn't made it doesn't mean he's not excellent. I know/knew so many talented people who never made it in the theater--luck is involved more than anything else, without a doubt.
You know, I am really thinking about looking into the community theaters when I am finished with the book. It would be a lot of fun to do a show again--probably more fun than it was when I did professional work--because there will be no pressure, lol!
Thanks for stopping by, Lydia--
Melinda
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It seems often we get into what should be good things for the wrong reasons. I think of my love of walking by myself in the woods, mountains, desert, and deserted beaches, which in my 20's manifested in major backpacking trips including the entire Appalachian Trail when I was twenty-six...certainly nothing wrong with communing with oneself while basking in natural beauty, is there? No there isn't, and I still do it often; however, I realize now that, in the past, my frenzied desire to spend as much time as possible far off the grid, and dreams of one day living there permanently, ultimately had as much to do with running away as with finding peace and beauty in nature. Ultimately, if you're running away, you're not going to find peace, which seems to be what you learned in the theatre, as well. Even though what you were doing was wonderful--playing Blanche DuBois, Gertrude, Titania, Rosalind (ever get to do Miranda in the Tempest?) (while I acted a bit growing up, it's something I never pursued at all seriously, though I do sometimes think about trying out for one of those all volunteer Shakespeare in the Park kind of things--to play First Guard or something, just to be in a Shakespeare production)--and yet, you were doing it, at least partly for the wrong reasons. Then, I suspect that's true of anyone who goes into any art form with the primary purpose of "being a star"--and hence we find all of these dead rock stars who achieved their wildest dreams only to find that even rock stars suffer....
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Very insightful comments, Jay--and I definitely see some paralells in your isolating yourself in nature as a means of escape and my immersing myself in roles to escape. I always loved that escape--even when I did theater for no reason other than love but this changed when I became a 'professional' because all of a sudden, I tied all my self-worth into my success and really lost sight of the love I had for the theater.
Today, if I did the theater, I am quite sure I would approach any role I would play very differently--instead of escaping myself, I believe I would expand on who I am--find aspects of myself to draw into the character, rather than the total rejection of who I was in the roles I portrayed. In a sense, I think this hurt me as an actor--because we must use aspects of who we are in any role we play to be believable. Oh that I would have known then what I know now!
As far as running away goes--I did the geographical change many times during my life--when things got too uncomfortable, I would bolt--then I would wonder why I was still unhappy wherever I moved. I finally learned that you cannot run away from yourself.
Melinda
p.s. Yes, I did play Miranda--that was another role I played in the Shakespeare Company--what a wealth of great roles I played! I'm so lucky to have had that experience.
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I love this Melinda! I wonder just how many actors--in all mediums--have similar experiences. I'm not an actor, but have done my share of "acting" in real life; pretending to be someone I'm not, deceiving others and being at one time a very skilled liar. Then you grow up (hopefully) and become the person you are.
It's amazing the clarity that comes with a clear mind isn't it? Your reasons have changed for the better. I consider myself extremely fortunate to be alive and drug free. One of my friends said, "You really love being straight don't you?"
I said, "YES! To say I love it is an understatement." I wouldn't trade my sobriety for anything. Once I really grasped its importance, it changed everything for me
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Bobby,
I really agree with you. I think most addicts are actors--they have to learn to become one when using because (as you said) there are so many lies and deceit involved. For me, the truth and lies became almost interchangeable--it was scary how comfortable I became with being dishonest.
And living with a clean mind? Indescribable (and I know you understand how this is). It's too bad that we can't figure out a way to communicate to people who are still using how much more wonderful their lives would be without substances. It's so deceiving--you think you are having fun--but when you look back on those days, they were never fun at all; it's simply an illusion that we chase.
Thanks for your insight, as always.
Melinda
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I have always wanted to be a part of the theater, but I suffered from extreme stage fright. Auditioning was almost unbearable and a cold reading was damn near impossible. It took a long time to work through having dyslexia. I couldn't read out loud to save my life and I was always insecure about my ability to write effectively.
I am always amazed with people who can get out on the stage and perform. It is a true gift and an art that always leaves me wanting more.
If you do get back into it, be sure to post a clip of your performance for us to see!
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Hi Angela,
It's so funny how people can look at the same thing so differently! I can honestly say I never had stage fright and I used to love auditioning. I also started doing plays pretty early in my life--so I think that might have had something to do with how easy I found it.
I doubt I will ever do professional theater again--but who knows? Anything is possible! If I do a community play (which I do think would be fun at this stage of my life), I will be sure to post a clip--or at least photos.
Thanks for stopping by--I appreciate it!
Melinda
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As always - very interesting and well written. Thanks for sharing your life experiences.
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You are so welcome, Steve--thanks so much for stopping by--
Melinda
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Melinda,
I have to echo what others have said here about trying the theater again -- it could be a lot of fun without the pressure of trying to make it and with the added benefit of now feeling comfortable in your own skin. And the fact that you did have a life like that, no matter what the reasons behind the appeal of taking on a character, is pretty amazing.
I love that picture of you, by the way!
Jennifer
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Thanks, Jennifer--and you know what? I am seriously thinking about doing a play again--perhaps when I finish my book. I still have quite a few theater connections in San Francisco--while most of my friends are nowhere near famous, quite a few have actually been able to make a living doing theater. It is a tough road, though--and not one that I envy them.
I'm trying to locate more pictures--I actually have about 10 boxes I need to unpack. I lost almost everything, but I do have some more old photos from my theater/music days that I will try to integrate both into my blog and the book.
Thanks as always for stopping by--
Melinda
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NYC will humble even the most talented and intelligent people. Many people flock there thinking they can make an impact, but it's a long and tough road.
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You are so right about that, Mike--NYC will chew a person up and just spit them out!
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
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As I read this I could imagine you becoming a playwright and your story being presented on stage. When I finished reading your piece and read the comments I smiled for we all wondered if you would be drawn to the stage again.
You are a courageous person with a painful but fascinating story to tell and I'm so glad to be a member of your audience.
Love, tt
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Thank you so much, Timethief! Your comments mean a great deal to me. You know, I am starting to think I might actually want to do a play--not for money--just for the love of it--which is the only reason why I first was drawn to the theater in the first place--it was for purely love.
Ha ha--I'll let everyone know what happens! You never know. There are definitely some roles I'd still love to play. I'd love to play Gertrude in Hamlet now that I am old enough to understand her character--I didn't have a clue at 19!
Melinda
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The post is just brilliant than what I've expected. The lines and words are powerful, coherent and moving. The addition of the audio makes it easier for persons like me who lacks patience in reading long scripts to appreciate the content. Great Job on that! I wish you could send copies of your posts as newsletters or had it podcasted.
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Thank you so much for your kind comments! You know, if you want to subscribe to my blog via email (look to the left on the sidebar), you can definitely do that--the posts are then delivered right to your mailbox and you can listen to the audio as well. I'm so glad the audio makes it easier for you--that's good to hear!
Melinda
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Jay aka yogic wonder is an insightful guy, although he hides it well sometimes (hehe).
From the age of 16 maybe younger I wanted to travel the world and be like David Attenborough, seeing the worlds natural wonders. So off I went to university to study Ecology and subsequently bombed out. I always knew I was running away, I just never knew what from. As daft as it seems, when I failed at university I couldn't even watch an animal/nature documentary without a deep feeling of sadness, it took a while to get over that.
Then one day I decided to start a short course in Counselling and voila three years later here I am! Now I want to see the world but there is no burning desire to cut myself off from the people that surround me.
Yet again your posts provokes deep thinking and I see similarities even though we come from two totally different worlds.
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Yes, Jay is a very insighrful guy--I agree--and someone who does a lot of good in the world. In my opinion, there should be many more people who donate their time in service to others who have difficulties.
I really think that many of us lose our dreams at one point of our young adulthood--perhaps we don't really like the subject we decided to major in while in college, or that dream job turns out to be a nightmare--or that guy we were sure was Prince Charming turns out to be a frog. Yet, when we lose those dreams, we don't take the time to really grieve for them and I think it is important to do that. Your sadness at seeing the nature/animal documentary is understandable because it brought back the realization that you had not done well at something you had given quite a bit of yourself to.
Thanks for stopping by, Claire--I have found that all of us share many more similarities than differences, regardless of where we come from.
Melinda
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This may be of your interest, your blog is being featured at
http://www.blogcastor.com/the-melindaville-blog/
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Very cool, Rebeq! I really appreciate your passing that information on to me--I had no idea!
And thank you for stopping by my blog--
Melinda
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Thank you for your honesty and sharing - insightful. I enjoy following your blog and learning more of your wisdow. All the best.
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Marlene,
Thank you for stopping by Melindaville--I appreciate it!
Melinda
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I knew your reasons for loving the theatre long before I got to the paragraphs explaining why in detail. I can certainly relate...
The picture of you as Blanche is wonderful - so beautiful and intense, but of course, that's Blanche. Also, it was probably you too at the time I imagine?
What a wonderful job you had travelling around performing plays!! I wonder if part of what crushed your dreams and your faith in yourself so much had to do with the stark difference between playing lead roles and finding yourself just hoping for a bit part of some kind in New York?
And I wonder... when was it that you regained your faith in yourself? Was it when you started studying? When you graduated? Or some other time? And when regaining that sense of faith in yourself, do you feel its something that is much more grounded now?
As for me, sure, I loved theatre for the escape much as you did, but also for the sparkle and glitter. Not to mention the opportunity to make people happy.
At one point, I was working for a childrens' pantomime company and we'd make hundreds of little kids happy each week. But my favourite shows were when the disabled children came - all with different kinds of disabilities. Ranging from mildly autistic to almost comatose in a wheelchair.
Well, one performance later with all that colour, song and movement and those kids woke up a little. The energy radiating at us while we performed was intense - there might've only been 20 kids in the audience instead of the full hour we were used to, but we felt as though we were being cheered on by a stadium full of people.
Now that? Was totally worth it.
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How very insightful, Svasti--on so many accounts. Yes, Blanche and I were two of a kind and I really did become her when I played that role. It was a role that I was able to slip on with a lot of comfort--I always understood Blanche.
And yes, I believe I had unrealistic hopes for New York--because I did enjoy quite a bit of success in San Francisco, particularly at a very young age. When I moved to SF, I was almost always called back for each audition and when I went to NY, I was not noticed nearly as much. I saw, with stark clarity, the number of really talented actresses that lined up each audition--I could see how talented and beautiful they were and I really did lose a lot of faith in myself.
I don't believe there was any one specific thing that gave me back the faith in myself--this really has to do with the delayed gratification, I think. With each 'A' I received in college, with each successful class, term, and year behind me, a little faith was restored. Of course, graduating from college was great for my confidence and also being accepted to every graduate school I applied to--these were all important pieces of my journey.
However, it was not until I confronted my father that I felt really strong and confident--that one act was the most empowering thing I have ever done. That one feat also gave me the courage to blog about my experiences and ultimately, write my memoir.
Svasti--I used to love to do children's theater--because children really do believe! With children, the magic is always real--so I can really relate to your love of doing the children's theater--and like you, I have always been drawn to those who are considered society's underdogs: those who are mentally and/or physically challenged. I have always related in some way to them.
Thanks for sharing your experiences! Perhaps one day, we will both do a play again!
Melinda
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Hi Melinda,
I love the last line of this - what a wonderful place to have reached.
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Hi Lance--yes, I can't tell you how wonderfully serene my life is today. I am so lucky to have survived what I did.
Thank you for stopping by Melindaville! I appreciate it.
Melinda
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Hi Melinda
You have a very interesting life. I love your stories. I will to keep coming back to read more.
We have some things in common as I told you in the email. As you had a love for acting. Mine was dancing. I wanted to be a solid gold dancer...lol.but that dream diminished with having 2 children. But I love to dance and still do...in my living room that is
Great work, keep on going.
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Ha ha, Sheila! You dance in your living room and I sing in mine (and in the shower--lol). It sounds as though you have had a very interesting life yourself and I look forward to visiting your blog and hearing more about it.
Thanks so much for stopping by Melindaville--I appreciate it.
Melinda
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Dear mam
It was a well written post. Enjoyed it very much. Though you have suffered so much, there is no doubt, but I would sincerely suggest you to remember all those things also, when you were blessed by God. There will be innumerable occassions, that too I am sure. There must be many happy moments also even in those hellish days. Mam you shouuld also remember them because God was with you even in Hell. Life is a mixed blessing. Everyone has suffered in one way or the other. Some less some more. But we should always see both sides of the coin.
It was very good to read something about the real Melinda. Hope to read more. Don't let the real Melinda "Die" behind the one who was not real. "Simply die her Hair" with the unpleasant things. Keep the real intact. Hope you should understand what I want to convey and not misunderstand.
God bless you
take care
harneet singh
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Dear Harneet,
Thank you so much for your comments--and I really do think I understand what you mean about the 'real' Melinda. Who I am today is the culmination of all my experiences --not just the good ones, but the terrible ones--and the traumatic ones. The "Wild Women Don't Die--They Simply Dye Their Hair" is a tagline I am not sure I will keep--I may very well decide to do away with it altogether. I selected it originally because of a band I performed with and thought it was catchy. I agree that it might not be the best reflection of who I am today.
But I do think it is important for me to tell my entire story--not just the easy parts--because what happened to me as a child and as a young adult still happens all over the world. Without telling my entire story completely honestly, I will not be able to help as many people as I feel I can help if I am completely honest.
You will see much more of Melinda revealed--here on the blog, but particularly in my book. That book shows my fall . . . and my rise. Remember, it is not the fact that we fall down but how we are able to get up and overcome our challenges that define us.
Thank you again for your honest comments and for stopping by my blog. I appreciate it very much!
Melinda
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Dear Mam
It is very good that you are sharing the bitter facts of life with the society. You are showing a lot of courage. You are helping people a lot. But by telling the story of the other side of your's you can very easily be compared with others. Too much focus on the negative aspect will perhaps make your case, an isolated case of extreme misfortune. Write about other things also in between. So that people can visualise Melinda a girl- one of them who suffered immense torture.
I may be totally wrong it's only a suggestion. Frankly speaking I am still small and perhaps you will excuse my views.
Otherwise there is no problem in mentioning your trials and tribulations. This is why you have started your blog afeter all. yes you are right Melinda today id summation of all what happened to you otherwise you would have been different.
god be with you
harneet singh
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Thank you for your honestly, Harneet,
I'll be honest with you--for a long time I was very angry with God for placing me in a family where I was abused as a child. I thought God hated me. I will say that I don't believe that to be true today. As you know, I have a spiritual awareness and a spiritual path and a higher power is part of that path.
I think you might be surprised, though, how many children are abused by family members. The numbers show that my case is not an isolated exception. While most parents do not harm their children--a significant number do.
It is only when we speak directly about the evils of our society--or the changes that need to be made that we can really address them.
I do try to write about lighter things--things that are optimistic and bright--to counter some of the really sad posts so I can appreciate what you said. And really, my message, even in the harder posts is still optimistic--because my life is wonderful today.
Take care,
Melinda
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Ok and on that note. Your GOD had nothing to do with it. If Your God did, she, as a child then, would not have had to go through the hell that she did.
http://www.godisimaginary.com/
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That is a beautiful picture of you. When I was a high school student in SE Kansas, we had acting troupes and other performing artists come to our school through a cultural program sponsored by community colleges in adjacent (larger) towns. These visits had such an impact on me. I rarely had access to the arts outside of them. I was introduced to so much through this program. Wow - what if you came to my school? Caney Valley H.S., 1982-1985.
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Thank you, Jen! You know, the Shakespeare compnay might have played in your community--because we often played through those types of community cultural programs. We spent quite a bit of time in Oklahoma, also, as I recall.
Unfortunately, that was so long ago that I just don't remember. Unfortunately, I lost all the programs I had from those days -- as well as most pictures. I'm trying to collect some new programs, pictures, and reviews from various friends--and perhaps I can ask them if they remember what places we played in Oklahoma! That would be amazing if we'd played at your school.
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It was actually Caney Valley High School in Caney, Kansas - through Independence Commuinty College.
Not to sound like a total weirdo-stalker, but you have always looked SOOOOO familiar to me. A few times, I've just come to look at your picture to connect with the memory in my mind. I know this makes me sound crazy.
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Wouldn't that be amazing if we did play in your school? We did play high schools and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised. We spent quite a bit of time in Okahoma, I recall. I have a friend who probably still has our old schedule (he, unlike me, has managed to hang onto everything from his theater days). I'm going to do a little investigation!
And no, it doesn't make you sound crazy! I've had some very interesting serendipitous things happen to me in my lifetime! It's a small world.
Melinda
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There is something irresistibly powerful about a collective artistic expression like a play. When people work together like that to make a story come to life, it's an unforgettable experience. But, when you're actually part of the creation, you get to watch the production as it takes form, as well your own character taking form. There's a more significant payoff when you reach the first performance night because you've been with the play since it was born. It's just a far more meaningful experience than doing data entry in an office. There is no question as to why anyone would pursue a career in the arts! I have also realized how competitive it is, not to mention how difficult networking (finding the right people) can be. I think we're better for learning the reality of it, because if we continue forward after that, we're bound to become so much greater at what we do... even if we don't make it all the way.
Fabulous "Streetcar" photo--you look as good as any big time star! Maybe a little like Kate Winslet.
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Qupid, What an insightful take on why someone makes a decision to take a less safe route and venture into the arts. It is a far more meaningful experience than data entry--because those who do theater will tell you that they offer their soul to each play. I worked far harder as an actress than I ever did in college, graduate school, or in my current profession--and for not much money (if any!).
It's too bad that I lost sight of the soul of the theater--and started concentrating too much on fame. When I was a child, I loved the theater simply for the love of it--someday, I will do a play again, and I hope to recapture that same, first love.
Thank you for stopping by!
Melinda
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