That Last Holiday
That Last Holiday before entering the Freedom House was something else. Homeless since early summer, I’d lost just about everything; most significantly, I had lost hope. Since Michael’s deadly overdose, I’d pawned everything worth anything for drug money, maxed out credit with friends and dealers, and spent the short, wintry days drifting aimlessly around the city. Somehow, I had become one of ‘them’ – the hollow-eyed strangers whose tragic lives were written starkly on their harshly lined faces.
Suicide was a constant notion that Last Holiday. Carefully unwrapping this forbidden thought, I would peek inside and taste its knowledge, slowly and deliciously—finding comfort in it. This ultimate option was becoming a viable alternative rather than a fantasy.
That Last Holiday, I was unbearably lonely. A wandering nomad, I spent that Christmas Eve riding city busses—I had no place to go. I missed my good friends—the real friends who never wanted anything from me other than friendship. How I missed the joyful Holiday celebrations, when drugs were an accessory rather than the main event. I wondered if my mother missed me—I hadn’t spoken to her for over a year—perhaps even longer. As I looked out the rain soaked windows of the bus, I realized a tear had slid down my cheek. I missed my family—even the members I never loved or even liked. But most of all, I missed Michael—and I wondered again if he had checked himself out of the world on purpose.
That Last Holiday was the final one of its kind. I didn’t realize it at the time—but by Christmas of 1994, I would undergo a psychic change—a complete transformation. That Last Holiday, I didn’t know it—but I would spend the next one with friends and family, sleeping in a warm bed, with stable roof over my head. Most importantly, I would have reclaimed hope in my life.
My gratefuls this year are very special. Fifteen years ago on January 18, this broken woman walked into the Freedom House for the first time, which changed my life in every way it can be changed. Although I have walked into some of the toughest neighborhoods and projects in San Francisco and New York City—I was never more fearful than I was walking into the Freedom House on that fateful day. Standing at yet another crossroads in my life, I could have never imagined the gifts life would bring me. A new and wonderful relationship with my mother, a beginning and tentative relationship with my sister and her family, renewed and stronger friendships with those who never stopped caring for me, an education that would open more doors than I could have dreamed, and most of all, the love of my beloved husband, Les, whose unwavering support has helped me become a person I am very proud of today. I am so grateful for it all.
I wish all of you peace and light for this Holiday. And may you never lose hope.
Melinda
(I want to apologize that there is no podcast for this entry—for some reason, it is giving me trouble today—sorry about that!).
Categories: Transformation and Change,Crossroads,Healing,Addiction and Recovery,Personal Stories,Courage,Gratitude
See, this is why you've survived through all of that horribleness and heartache... so you can inspire others. You certainly inspire me.
For some reaosn I'm thinking of the Sinatra classic 'New York' and thinking, its not just about the town. Its about what's possible.
And for the first time I think I'm beginning to see its not about what happens in our lives exactly. Its 'where to' from there. Realising that there is something else, there always is... other than where you're at right now.
Many blessings to you, your husband and your family.
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Aw Shucks, Svasti--thank you so much for your kind words. You inspire me as well.
When we have hope, possibilites are truly endless--and we both have hope, don't we? There is no pinnacle to reach--we reach the top of one mountain and the next mountain is there--ready for us to climb!
Blessings to you also, my friend--may the Holiday light shine on you and yours.
Melinda
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Hope has actually been a touch and go thing. And, its still pretty fragile in its robustness. In my life anyway.
You're so right - there is no pinnacle to reach - just the looking forward and the journey (oh, its cliche city here folks!). And a little confidence too. That's needed to even try to reach forward.
And that's when the wonderful support people in our lives are so necessary. Oh my, I'm not sure where I'd be without my wonderful RL friends and the extra special online friends I've made.
Thank goodness gratitude is something we can keep experiencing as often as we care to...
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Svasti--my hope for you is that you can keep hope alive--no matter what. My mother used to always say (in regard to me), "Where there's life, there's hope" and that is true.
Gratitude keeps me balanced and humble--but hope keeps all dreams alive!
Take care,
Melinda
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A beautiful, stirring post by a beautiful, stirring (formerly broken) woman.
Happy Holidays, Melinda!
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Happy Holidays to you as well, Lydia--and thank you so much for stopping by--
Cheers,
Melinda
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Melinda
Thank you for the wonderful post. One of my gratefuls this year is you...thank you. You are truly inspiring. Rich blessings of love, joy, fun and peace for you and your family this holiday!
CC
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Dear CC--
I am so grateful to you as well--I know our paths were placed together for a reason!
Have a wonderful, peaceful, and safe Holiday!
Melinda
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Dear mam
you will perhaps never know how many persons you have inspired including me. Life sometimes takes a turn and the road ahead seems lonely, dimly lit, scary and full of bumps. But we should keep our spirits high. There are many people who commit suicide but you suffered so much. It is very easy to talk but very difficult to follow. But you have done it. I can say it with conviction that if I would have been in your place I would not have survived.
God Bless you
Harneet Singh
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Thank you so much for your very kind words, Harneet--they mean so much to me.
Take care--and have a wonderful Holiday.
Melinda
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You're so talented. I know I sound like a broken record. Maybe you won't get tired of hearing it. =) You must work so hard on these posts, but they don't read like that. It's like you're just sitting right here talking through it.
I loved this line - I had to take a breath: "I missed my family—even the members I never loved or even liked."
Again, I feel silly saying it, but Oprah should do a show on about changed lives. I'm tired of Tom Cruise and even Jennifer Aniston. I want to hear stories about people who've overcome. I want to hear stories like the Last Holiday that give us hope that anything is possible. Your memoir is going to save someone's life.
And, yes, I like Oprah, too. I don't know why some people have such a problem with her. Talk about someone who has saved lives...
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Jen, you are going to give me a big head!
I do believe that people can find strength, inspiration, and hope in learning of the personal challenges that regular, ordinary people have overcome. I hope to inspire people who don't believe they can change--so many can't relate to celebrities who have endless resources available to them--they simply cannot relate.
Thank you so much for stopping by--
Melinda
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What a wonderful post, Melinda.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and family.
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To you as well! Thank you so much for stopping by, Tikno!
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