The Greatest Love
Most self-destructive behaviors develop from self-loathing and poor self-esteem. This was certainly true in my case. I grew up with very negative self-beliefs, extremely low self-esteem and I used to rationalize that I was deserving of the bad things that happened to me. Children have no frame of reference—and they are also egocentric; therefore, they believe that any evil they come across in their lives is a direct result of who they are. I believed I deserved to be abused—so it was a natural progression for me start abusing myself when my father stopped molesting me; I started cutting myself, smoking and drinking, and I also started using drugs. After awhile, it became a viscous cycle—the more I abused myself, the more I loathed myself and the more I hated myself, the more I wanted to hurt myself.
Central to my recovery was finally learning to love myself, which was not easy to do. How do you change a lifetime of self-loathing into a positive self-view and compassion for yourself? In a previous post, I wrote about our self-beliefs and how the labels we assign to ourselves can become larger than life. If I see myself as an ugly being, incapable and undeserving of love, I am likely to fill my world with negative energy and have that view become a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, if I see myself as a loving and capable person, who is worthy of happiness, it is more likely that I will attract that kind of energy into my life.
It is not an easy road—learning to love ourselves. If only we could snap our fingers and say, “I am a wonderful person, worthy of love and I deserve good things in my life!” (and really believe it) However, there is some merit to the idea of ‘faking it until you make it,” which you can do by saying just those things to yourself in the form of daily affirmations. You can also train yourself to make loving decisions about yourself. When you are at a crossroads, picture yourself going down the positive path rather than the negative one. It takes work to do this but after awhile, you become more comfortable in viewing yourself through a lens of love rather than one of negativity. We all have little voices in our heads—voices that can lead us down one path or another. When you hear that nagging negative voice pulling you down, try to reconstruct those negative thought patterns by speaking to yourself with the same kind of love and compassion that you show for others. Most people who have trouble loving themselves treat their friends and family far better than they do themselves. First and foremost, each of us should be our own best friend.
When I was struggling so much with self-esteem, I would dwell on the negative things about myself and rarely focus on the positive. For example, when I would not do well on a paper in college, I would spend days beating myself up about it—and just feeling so bad about myself—feeling like a failure. Never mind that I got ten A’s for every B! I would rarely give myself credit for anything but I was so quick to take the blame for everything—even things that were beyond my control. Of course, it is important for each of us to take responsibility for our mistakes but it is also important for all of us to savor our victories and accomplishments in life.
I was a punk rocker—and I never listened to much Whitney Houston music in the 1980’s but when I was in recovery and just learning to love myself, I used to listen to the song, “The Greatest Love” and it would bring tears to my eyes. I was not near to the point where I loved myself but I wanted to love myself so much. I believe I have finally reached the point where I have found that greatest love but it sure has not come easily.
From The Greatest Love by ~Michael Masser and Linda Creed (performed by Whitney Houston).
“I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadow
If I fail, if I succeed—at least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”
Played: 508 | Download | Duration: 00:04:55
Categories: Recovery,Healing,Transformation and Change
Hi Melinda!!
Great post. I love that song for the same reasons. What you describe in your post takes quite a bit of mindfulness/thoughtfulness for me, as many of the thoughts, are so automatic, pervasive and long-stading that I am often not aware that it is happening on a conscious level. However, I am learning more of how to be more conscious of it. I guess, I do my own behavior analysis...(heehee) because I look at what I want to do behaviorally or what I am doing and work backwards from there. It is a constant uphill battle right now. One that is worth it.
CC
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Hi CC,
I can definitely relate to where you are coming from. When I was going through therapy and first dealing with my abuse issues, the thoughts came so quickly they were like lightening bolts--it was very hard to change. What I started doing was to begin each day writing down positive things about myself. One day, about 3 years into my recovery, I noticed I was smiling at myself in the mirror--that I actually liked who I was looking at. It was a real moment for me.
CC I know the journey you are traveling is a very rough ride--but you are so right, it wil be very much worth it--the battles that we fight the hardest are the ones that are the most meaningful.
Melinda
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My husband should read this post. I'll try to drive him by over the weekend!
You know, I never really listened to the words to this song deeply enough to consider the real meaning. I thought it was about having love inside you to give to others and never took it to the core of the song being self-love. This was an eye-opener and an excellent reminder.
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Hi Lydia,
I had (of course) heard the song from time to time before I entered recovery--but it was not until then that I really listened to the words--and they struck such a great chord with me.
Thank you for stopping by--
Melinda
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You had said it all and said it very well. When I was struggling so much with self-esteem, I would also dwell on the negative things about myself and rarely focus on the positive. Although I have learned how to love myself sometimes I slip and fall into the negative thinking trap. When I do it's friends like you and their blog posts that get me back on track.
P.S. I also love this song. Thanks for posting it.
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Thank you, timethief--
You know, one of the most surprising things I learned while I was in recovery was how many people struggle with self-esteem. I always thought that I was the only one!
I'm glad you liked the song.
Melinda
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Dearest Melinda
What a post! I joked earlier about our blogs talking to each other. It was only a joke, but what I see here are so many of my own words about recovery and healing. They feel almost like echoes. I have walked these same tracks and felt these same feelings, all of them. The only difference between you and me is that you did drugs and I hit the bottle, and that's no difference at all really.
Even in recovery I had to struggle with some of the very same self-doubt and self-blame issues. You are so right. It's only when we are able to listen to our own pain, despair and desperation with tenderness and compassion will our hearts start to heal. You and me have talked about a lot of this before. We've talked about self-doubt, self-blame, self-loathing and shame. We've both been haunted by those particular demons!
There is another emotion that I felt too that I'll take time out to explore and write about one day soon and that is guilt. I've had some real struggles with guilt borne of (psychological) inversion of what was done to me. I realise I still have a guilt switch that's very easy to trip, where I'll start to take responsibility solely for something that has gone wrong with people around me and feel the need to put it right myself. It’s there even when I'm not wholly, or even partly responsible. It may be a nuance of difference from those other feelings, but guilt and shame are not the same nevertheless. I have had to struggle with guilt to an enormous and unwarranted extent. I may still do it now sometimes too.
I never thought I'd ever find myself appreciating the lyrics of a Whitney Houston song. They are amazing. I suddenly realised that the lyrics were not written by Whitney herself, but by Linda Creed, so I set off to find out more about Linda, her life and circumstances when she wrote those special words. It really is some story and a very sad one too. “When Linda Creed wrote the lyrics, she was in the midst of her struggle with breast cancer. The words describe her feelings about coping with a terminal illness and being a young mother. She eventually succumbed to the disease and died in April 1986 (at the age of 37), the same month that the single (song, the greatest love) was released.” How sad, but what wonderful loving insights she had.
Fondly,
Geoffrey
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Dear Geoffrey,
From the time we met and started sharing our stories, I have felt our pasts were so parallel--our experiences were the same (but different) but our emotions and our road to recovery has been nearly identical. When I read your posts on these issues, it is as if I am reading something that I could have written myself--your words speak that closely to my heart.
You know--guilt is a huge part of the process too--I have struggled with that so much myself--in fact, this is one area where I still struggle. I struggle with projected guilt that has nothing to do with anything I did--but I also struggle with those decisions that I made that I know hurt others so badly. Letting go of the past can be extremely difficult (as you know).
I appreciate your thoughts so much--
Melinda
p.s.--that is such a sad story about Linda Creed--but what an amazing gift she left the world with this song. How tragic that she never was able to see the song's success.
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Dearest Melinda
Thank you. I've never done this before but there are two consequences of abuse about which I have so much more to say.
They are guilt and the wretched feelings of worthlessness. Maybe people need a change from me. Do you fancy writing a guest post on my site about worthlessness? How does that sound? I'd love it if you would.
Fondly,
Geoffrey
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Oh, yes, Geoffrey--how well I know those terrible feelings of worthlessness and guilt--they go hand in hand, often.
I would love to write a guest post for Geoffrey's Place--although I am not sure when my time will allow me--but definitely, I would love to.
Melinda
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very well written mam.
When we feel that we have been rejected there comes a feeling of self dejection. we start finding faults and hurt ourselves in a fit of rage. It is all in our mind. We know what we are doing is wrong even then we don't stop. Human mind is a complex thing. Sometimes we try to justify our wrong acts. This is the work of our Defence mechanism. It starts working as soon as we do something wrong. Everyone knows what is right and wrong. The only thing we need to do is Self- Evaluation. The best way to do is to think what you have done in the whole day before going to bed. Pray to God to give you the power to take charge of your mind. This is the way we Humans can really be 'Social Beings'.
I must say this is your best post which I have read so far on your blog. Felt very relaxed as soon as I read. Sometimes it happens. We listen to something or read an d feel at once relieved.
Thank you.
Words are less and life more,
Not possible to unfold the misteries,
Which life has in store.
God is Great
harneet singh
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Thank you so much for the lovely compliment, Harneet--I appreciate it so much, particularly coming from you, who I admire much in your own blog. I think you must be a psychologist--you have such great insight into the human psyche!
Thank you for stopping by--
Melinda
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Melinda,
You certainly describe something that is an ongoing struggle for me -- sometimes I am better at pushing through than others, and I wonder about those thoughts that operate under the surface, that are hidden from our conscious minds. That's a tough one (and perhaps what therapy is all about).
I also think it can be hard to let go of what feels like a part of oneself, if that makes any sense. If that way of thinking is ingrained and feels like a part of your personality, who are you without it? And how malleable are we, ultimately?
Does that make sense? I'm not disputing the goodness, the necessity of feeling positive about oneself, just describing some of the challenges, which I am sure you know very well.
Thanks for a great post. I, too, have new appreciation for the Whitney Houston song.
Jennifer
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Jennifer,
It really is an ongoing struggle for anyone who develops low self-esteem. For the most part, I do love myself--very much and I am very proud of my accomplishments but for me (and most people), it is an ongoing process to turn around negative thought patterns. Therapy can really help (I couldn't have had nearly the success I have had without it, imo).
It is very hard to let go of those negative parts of yourself. Those parts are usually so deeply rooted in us--but I do believe that we can attain happiness on most days and I know the struggle becomes less the more you work on personal development. Also, this is not always about reaching the pinnacle--although that is certainly a goal all of us should aspire to. Sometimes, though, you have to pause while climbing a huge peak and stop to appreciate how far you have come, rather than how far you have left to go.
Thanks as always for your thoughtful comments (and they did make complete sense--no worries!).
Melinda
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