A Spiritual Awakening
I was raised with no religion at all. My grandmother on my mother’s side was a fundamentalist Christian who was so zealous in her religion that my mother didn’t want to have anything to do with organized religion after she left home to go to college. My father was Egyptian but not a practicing Moslem. When my parents married, they decided they would raise their children without organized religion. I think I might have benefited had I had a spiritual path as a child because I always felt so isolated and so very alone—perhaps if there had been a spiritual aspect to my life, I might not have become so self-destructive. It’s hard to know for sure.
I do remember exactly when I turned to spirituality for the first time. It was the night before I entered treatment and I’d been in the intensive care wing of a hospital recovering from a three day coma that had been brought by drinking a full bottle of furniture polish (yes, I know!). I had spent the previous week shooting heroin and smoking crack and had decided I could no longer live in this world. The furniture polish was my third attempt at suicide that weekend—I was found by the upstairs neighbor, who called 911.
As I have written about on this blog, while I was in the hospital, I met an angel on earth named Tim Callahan, who managed to get me into The Freedom House—not a small feat, considering I had no money and no insurance. I had to wait a few days before a bed opened up at The Freedom House and Tim arranged with the hospital to keep me an extra day so I would not go back onto the streets; he knew full well if I did that then I would likely never make it into treatment.
So, that last night, before I was to enter treatment, I was feeling much better—the terrible effects from drinking the furniture polish were wearing off and I wanted to go get some drugs. I decided to leave the hospital, rationalizing that I would meet Tim back there the next morning—and that I would still make it into treatment. As I was getting ready to leave, a nurse came into my room, inquiring what the heck was I doing—they had been told that I would not check out until the following morning. I told her that I felt fine, that I was going to leave, and that I would meet Tim in the lobby of the hospital the next morning. She must have called Tim because as I was skipping out the door of my hospital room, who should I run into but Tim! I remember flushing and stammering for words.
"Melinda, what’s going on? Where are you going?” His eyes were positively piercing.
“Hey Tim—um, I am um, going to, um, my friend’s house to pick up some stuff I, um, am going to need before I go to The Freedom House,” I stammered, uncomfortably.
“What could you possibly need?” He asked, doubtfully.
“Um, I wanted to pick up a few clothes and whatnot.” I studied the floor and drew an imaginary circle with the toe of my shoe. I really was having a hard time even coming up with a decent reason. Even to my own ears, my reasoning sounded lame.He took my hand and walked me over to the bed and we both sat down, where the minutes ticked by in uncomfortable silence. Finally, he looked at me with all the seriousness in the world. “Melinda, if you leave here tonight, you will die. This is your chance—your last chance. I want you to think back on how you felt the other day and I want you to consider your choice very seriously here. I am not going to sit and babysit you tonight—this is your decision. But know this, an opportunity like this one might not come around for a long time.”
As the true queen of denial, I immediately tried to convince him otherwise, “Oh, but I am going to definitely go to The Freedom House tomorrow—I promise!”
Tim stood to leave. “Melinda, I will be here at 1:00 tomorrow afternoon to take you to The Freedom House, as we had planned on. I hope you will be here. I will pray that you will be here.” And then he left.
I remember sitting on the bed, considering Tim’s words and my options. In my deepest heart, I did know he was right but at the same time, I felt the pull of addiction. The craving was so strong that night—I could actually feel the needle going in my vein, I could taste the crack as it entered my throat and lungs, the sickly sweet smoke filling every fiber and cell of my body as wave after wave of rush washed over me. I wanted drugs that night more than I have ever wanted them—and I felt powerless to stop myself from running out to get them. In fact, I knew that I could not stop myself—I knew that I didn’t have the courage to change and so I did the only thing I could think of. I got down on my knees, balling like a baby, and I prayed to a God that I had never believed in. I prayed that this elusive God, the recipient of so many broken promises and failed deals, would keep me in that hospital.
I prayed as if my life depended on it. I asked for the strength and courage to change and somehow, some way, my prayers were answered that night. I did not have a religious experience that night in the sense that you read about—I didn’t burst out into tongues and I surely didn’t feel the wild happiness that some people describe after accepting Jesus (which I didn’t do that night). I simply asked for help because I didn’t know what else to do.
Whoever God is—whatever God is—I am convinced a higher power was in my hospital room that night because I hung on that night and many nights after that. There were many times during the course of my recovery when I hung onto a bed, couch or chair with white knuckles—absolutely willing myself to not go out and get drugs. To not do the easiest thing is often the hardest thing to do.
This was the first of many tests that I would come across in my recovery. Tim Callahan was positively radiant when he picked me up that next afternoon. The night before was written on my face—I hadn’t slept a wink but I also hadn’t spent the night shooting heroin and smoking crack.
That night changed me forever; I knew a higher power did exist in my life and it became an important part of my recovery. I also started on a path to understand where spirituality might fit in my life.
Peace,
Melinda
Played: 441 | Download | Duration: 00:06:58
Categories: Addiction and Recovery,Transformation and Change,Spirituality
Here is a song I'd like to share with you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHkwdPwLevQ
Reply to this
Wow, Jen--what an absolutely beautiful song! Thank you so much for passing the link along to me.
Melinda
Reply to this
Melinda - Thank you for the note on my blog. Those kind words are still in my heart. Words are so powerful, aren't they? If I had a theme song or an anthem it would be that song that Samantha Mathis sang in Thing Called Love. It is not on the soundtrack to the movie. It should have been. I listen to it on You Tube a couple times a month. I sang it at Galileo's once, in OKC. I like the words, "There is no shame beneath this sky, I have kissed the past goodbye and mended up my broken heart so torn." I wish I knew who wrote it. I'm so glad I got to share it with you.
Reply to this
Jen,
You just gave me a wonderful idea! I am going to save it to my favorites on youtube--I didn't even think of that. It is such a beautiful song, it's hard to believe it didn't make it into the movie. I appreciate so much your sharing it with me.
Melinda
Reply to this
Melinda - thank you so much for sharing this powerful story.
You know, I don't think it matters who or what God is in some respects.
In my experience, like you, I've found when I really ask with every fibre of my being and when I am asking for exactly what I need... that's what I get. As you discovered.
That doesn't mean crappy things never happen to you. Not at all. Because God isn't a man in a chair orchestrating every moment of every day in everyone's life. At least that's not how I see God.
Do you know what on earth prompted you to pray where you simply never have? How wonderful and interesting that you did!
And how brilliant that you had someone like Tim stand up to you but so gently and with love, and give you the space you needed to make your own decisions.
For change - it can never really come into our lives by anyone's volition except our own.
Namaste
Reply to this
Namaste,
Thank you, as always, for your insight--you are truly incredible. I think we share the same view of a higher power and the role it plays in our lives. I agree that God isn't a man in a choir, orchestrating our moves--we make our own decisions but we can also find strength in a higher power, however we define it.
I honestly don't know what made me pray that night--you are right--I had never done it before. I was just so beaten down and willing to go outside myself for the first time in my life. In getting on my knees, I was humbled completely--and I think that is what needed to happen--to completely let go and become willing to change.
I do agree that it was important for Tim to allow me that space to make my own decision--and he knew (as I know now) that true change has to come from within. He knew that I needed to make the decision to stay on my own.
Melinda
Reply to this
"To not do the easiest thing is often the hardest thing to do." What a powerful line. I loved this post and can sense that you are working toward describing where spirituality came to fit in your life.....(?)
I had sporadic exposure to religion when I was a kid, with one phase of strong belief when I was baptized with my family when I was nine. A few years later we, one by one, drifted away from religion altogether (my mother first, I second...). The Reagan years turned me into a full-fledged Bible-thumper hater. So, in 1985, I was as far away from religion or spirituality as you can get. But I had an experience that, like yours, proved a higher power was there with me - even though I wasn't expecting proof.
While driving to work one morning along a country road I saw the softest hues of sunrise catch misty slants of light fog moving up from planted hills and fields. I knew it was so very lovely, profoundly beautiful even, but I felt dead when I looked at it. And I said out loud in the car: "Oh, God, I've lost all the joy." That was it. I went on to work, after which I started drinking and it was that night in a bar that I approached my guardian-stranger who agreed to drive me to treatment (which actually turned out to be detox, then treatment...).
I'm going to copy this and save it in my file to perhaps write about on my next sobriety anniversary. For some reason, I couldn't get it onto my blog in October, but it was easier here...
Reply to this
Lydia,
Thank you for sharing your story--truly beautiful and powerful. Writing about the spiritual aspect of my recovery was one of the most difficult aspects to write about in the rough draft of my book--because it is so intensely personal. I found it much easier to write about the terrible things, such as my overdoses, Michael's death--and even the rapes. So, I can understand your difficulty in writing about it in your blog.
As to your question about writing about my spiritual journey--yes--as a matter of fact, I have a chapter in my book that is dedicated to my spiritual journey, which was an amazing one! I met some incredible people who became spiritual advisers to me. I will also go further with this journey in my blog.
Melinda
Reply to this
Melinda -- Another gripping story!
I wasn't raised in any particular faith, either, and have never felt the pull of religion or God (though it would be very comforting; it just doesn't feel authentic to me like it does for many other people). I'm glad -- the word is an understatement, really -- that praying got you through that first night, that Tim Callahan came along and had a faith in you, and that you pulled together the considerable strength it took to get clean.
Reply to this
Thank you, Jennifer--
I can never say enough about Tim Callahan and the role he played in my recovery. He does this all the time--he's dedicated his life to it. Through the course of my recovery, there were so many people who were placed in my path--people who I know I needed to meet. Tim Callahan saved my life.
Melinda
Reply to this
Melinda,
Thank you for sharing your night with us. It gave me chills and I could feel your ambivalence. I love what Tim did. He made you responsible for your recovery. How much did you want it?
Having been a Christian for many years, I often find that it is those quiet moment when we allow God to touch us that matter most. Because I fight everything along my journey, it like my saying okay, "I give." And, then as much as I am able more of my energy is toward healing versus running away.
Your writing is quite beautiful!
Take care,
CC
Reply to this
Thank you, CC--I appreciate your kind words. That night, I was at the end of my rope--I wanted to get high but I also knew that I could not go on the way things were. I wanted change--I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and therefore, I was willing to try anything to change. I became completely willing, for the first time in my life.
A higher power has played a huge role in my recovery--there's no doubt about that.
Melinda
Reply to this
I really dont know how to respond to your post .. But its really maracle happened in your life .. Your posts having somethig power n inspiring .. Thanks for sharing your life with world :x
Reply to this
Dinny--
Thank you for stopping by and visiting my blog. I appreciate it!
Melinda
Reply to this
Dearest Melinda
Phew! That was one of the most moving posts I've ever read here. I'm not sure if I believe in God although I do sometimes believe in a power that feels beyond ourselves.
What a wonderful man Tim is. If there is a God then he must be an angel to be sure! Have you remained in contact with him? Does he know all you've achieved since that time? It would be a great reward to know how far you've come. It's his presence and powerful aura that feels like a miracle to me.
You've often talked about "saying your gratefuls". I always understand why. I'll say mine tonight, not as a prayer, but I'm so grateful you made it through that night. I'm even more grateful to know you.
If Tim was a miracle, then you are its incarnation. I feel so proud of you.
Reply to this
Dearest Geoffrey,
It's nice to see you back here and to read your (always) lovely comments. I don't believe that any person can go through what I have been through in my life and not undergo a deeply spiritual, psychic change. Spirituality has been a big part of my recovery, although not in any kind of 'organized' type of way. Understanding a higher power is something is so unique to each of us, I think--I have never found one 'religion' that spoke to me so deeply that I followed that path completely. My spirituality is a combination of Christianity, Buddhism, Native American spirituality and most of all, nature.
I have been in touch with Tim--and he does know how my life has turned out--and I have remained grateful to him ever since I met him--he truly did save my life (as he has saved many others). He's hard to stay in great touch with because he doesn't do email--but I do talk to him by phone on occasion. I also gift The Freedom House with a nice contribution every anniversary of the day I entered there. I hope to work with them when I am able to start my foundation.
Hugs to you, my great friend--
Melinda
Reply to this
Melinda,
Thanks for sharing yet another deeply moving personal experience. Every time I come here, I am more in awe of what you've overcome in your life.
As you read in my recent post, I was raised in a Christian household (a rarity in Japan -- less than 1%), and I am grateful that my parents had instilled in me a rich heritage that is our religious rituals and traditions. They are all symbols, but as you said, if you're not used to the idea of religious/spiritual practices, it can be hard to deal with situations where your here-and-now reality-based views are simply overwhelmed. There are some occasions in life where this happens, especially when possibility of death gets involved.
My parents were religious but very tolerant, and allowed us kids to explore and venture out of the tradition I was given. I hope to do the same with my kids -- give them a foundation and a heritage, but then after that, set them free.
ari
ari
Reply to this
Ari,
I do have an understanding of what a rarity it is in Japan to have been raised Christian, as I have spent quite a bit of time in Japan (more than most Westerners--my husband does quite a bit of business there). I am not surprised by the description you have given of your parents--it seems to me that they must have a more evolved understanding--because look at you!
I think that true spirituality is tolerant of other views of spirituality. My own path is quite an eclectic mix because I have found that so many beliefs have a merit--to dismiss them is just wrong. Moreover, when you get down to the nuts and bolts of teachings, most have parallel messages.
Thanks for stopping by, Ari--as always, I love hearing from you.
Melinda
Reply to this
Melinda - This is so moving! You've been tested in your life so profoundly - it's way beyond what I know, but you bring it all to life with power and grace. This struggle for the breakthrough and all that led up to it that you record in this and the latest post capture that rock bottom reality that we seem to have to get to before a kind of rebirth occurs. There is no where left to go - either to death or to new life. I mourn many friends who have gone the wrong way - and are now gone. It's pure gold to get to the truth of the pain of that moment and the surrender and humility that seem to be necessary. Thank you so much!
John
Reply to this
John,
I have many friends that I mourn as well--so we share this. I have lost many friends to drugs--including my first husband. I have been so lucky in my life to have been given a second chance--not a day goes by that I don't appreciate that gift.
Thanks for stopping by--
Melinda
Reply to this
When you realize you have the option to empower yourself with every choice, you evolve to realize you are the master of your life. It is all about taking 100% responsibility for where you are. You are the reason you have gotten this far. The journey is a roller coaster ride if you choose. You will gain wisdom and lessons if you choose. This is your mission. You decide how to identify it, which feelings to acknowledge and which ones to disregard. It is hard to change something if you do not admit it exists or realize the harm you could be doing or healing within yourself.
Reply to this
Liara,
I swear--you should write a book of wise thoughts! I would certainly buy a copy--and I mean that most sincerely. Your words always make so much sense to me.
I believe we are given the same lessons in life until we finally learn them--at least I have seen that in my own life.
Thank you again for your amazing thoughts.
Melinda
Reply to this
Dear Melinda, I'm a friend of Geoffrey's and followed your link from his blog. Finally found some time today to start reading here, you come highly recommended
Just had to let you know this post made me cry, and it's okay, I needed a good cry this afternoon.
I can relate so strongly to what you describe here. I haven't much interest in organized religion either, but have found great solace in reaching out to that higher power or God or whatever you might call it, through prayer and meditation, since early childhood. And I know for a fact, that it has saved me many times. And still helps me get through tough times now.
You are truly inspiring and I look forward to reading your book.
Hugs,
Barbara
Reply to this
Dear Barbara,
Thank you so much for visiting my blog--and for your lovely comments--I appreciate that very much. I agree that a connections with a higher power has been essential for me. For one thing, it makes me feel as though I am not so alone in the good fight--lol.
Thank you again,
Melinda
Reply to this
Wow! I am without words! I just deeply admire the work you have done on yourself and your destructive pulsions!!
I believe everyone has an angel like Tim at one time or another in their hard time, what I don't know or understand is why some people choose to follow them...You probably had "help", but you had help because you decided you needed help.
I don't know if this is correct, but congratulation for your life.
Reply to this
Thank you so much--and I do agree with you--the power to change must come from within--regardless of how many angels you come across, without that inner strength, no one from the outside can help.
I appreciate your stopping by--
Take care,
Melinda
Reply to this
I am impressed to see that many of the commentators of this post are still your regular readers.
Melinda, Your whole life is full of inspiring stories and this older post of yours is another proof of it. I think that particular night was probably the turning point of your life. Being a believer in One God, I think God certainly answered your prayer and helped you to come out of the darkness of heroin addiction.
Dear sister, Although, I was never an heroin addict but still I see much similarities betwen mine and yours life. Atleast I can't forget those days in my life when I was also thinking about commiting suicide. And the One (God) about the existence of Whom I was in doubt came and guided me towards life full of hope. Allah not only saved my life but also opened my eyes and heart to see the signs of His existence in the world around me and even in our own structure as well.
Thanks to Allah Who saved my life.
Thanks to Allah Who saved my sister's (Melinda's) life.
Thanks to Him for He enabled me to read Melinda's life stories and in this way He (Allah) further increased my faith in Him.
Thank you Melinda, Thank you very much....
Reply to this
Oh, WOW--Ibn Hanif--what you wrote is so beautiful and thank you so much for saying that. When I read what you wrote, it really filled me with such a warm glow.
I had this feeling when I first started corresponding with you that you'd had somewhat of a painful time in life at some point. I could really sense that in your spirit. But look what you are doing now--your glow tells the story of your own recovery, Ibn Hanif--and you work to teach other and pass on the love of Allah to those who are not acquainted with Islam. You are a great messenger for Islam, my friend--and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Take care, my very good friend--and thank you, as always, for stopping by.
Melinda
Reply to this