Courage to Change
Book Update
I am nearing the completion of the rough draft of the book. It’s hard to believe I only started the memoir at the beginning of May and to see now how far it’s gotten. It’s grown to be so much more than what I initially planned.
When I first thought about writing the book, I planned to only write about the journey of my recovery (I was afraid to go too deeply into the past) so that was what I wrote first. However, after I wrote about my recovery, I realized that for the book to make any sense at all, I would have to explain what led to the need for recovery. Of course! So, I took on the endeavor of carefully uncovering every awful rock of the past, confronting each trauma head on. This has led to a process of self-analysis and self-realization; it has been enlightening to say the least.
And in the Beginning
The book actually starts with my awakening from the coma in the hospital, after a failed suicide attempt (it was my third attempt). I was staying with a sometime friend who was away for the weekend and his upstairs neighbor found me unconscious. He had learned of my suicidal state of mind earlier in the weekend when he came knocking on my door, alarmed at the smell of gas (on my second attempt, I tried to asphyxiate myself by turning on the gas after blowing out the pilot lights on the stove and oven). I was horrified to think I might have potentially hurt another being; that was never my intention—I had only wanted to hurt myself. I don’t know where he is today, that upstairs neighbor—I never knew his last name. His first name was Michael, which I remembered because it was the same name as my first husband, who died in the early 90’s.
How much of our lives are due only to chance? I could have as easily died if Michael (from upstairs) hadn’t come by that night.
Most people would consider any kind of suicide attempt to be a negative thing—but it was not. Because of the suicide attempt and the ensuing coma, I wound up in the hospital, where I met the amazing Tim Callahan, who got me into The Freedom House. I will never forget the day Tim showed up in my room. I was feeling horrible –like I was about to die (drinking an entire bottle of furniture polish—yes, you heard that right, furniture polish—will do that to you). Tim has shocking red hair and bright, dancing blue eyes that radiate warmth and kindness. He poked his head through the door and asked if I wouldn’t mind some company. Having nothing else to do, I said, “sure—why not.” He sat beside my bed and looked straight into my eyes.
“Do you want to stop using drugs?” he had asked.
“What makes you think I am doing drugs?” I replied haughtily. It’s funny how
deluded I was regarding my own behavior. I wasn’t fooling anyone.
“Melinda, people who don’t use drugs don’t drink furniture polish.”
He did have a good point!
And at that, I burst into tears and cried my heart out while he held me. I was exhausted from running so hard—from the law, from the death of Michael, from my own head. I was also relieved—relieved to finally admit that I had a problem that was far bigger than what I knew how to deal with. I also had a tiny spark of hope that if I told someone about my addiction, that person might help me find a solution. Tim did. My life changed with his next words,
“I believe I know a treatment center that I can get you into if you are willing to go.”
Finding Courage
I don’t know what happened during the coma—I only know when I awakened from it, I had undergone a psychic change. I knew things could not go on as they were. I had tried (hard) to die and I couldn’t do that. I had been unable to successfully kill myself but I also knew I could not live as I had been, on the street, running from the law, from myself, and from everyone else. I was just so damn tired and finally, I became willing to change. And once you are willing to change, you can find the courage to change.
Since I have been writing this blog, I have heard from so many people—people who are struggling with addiction in some way; those who question if they are addicts and those who are sure they are. My advice to every person who is unhappy with the direction of his or her life is that you can change the course you are on. If I could change, anyone can; I was what many people considered 'hopeless.' All it takes is the ability to be brutally honest about who you are and where you are, a desire to change, and a willingness to start on that path.
I wish every person who desires change, the willingness and courage to make that change.
Peace,
Melinda
Played: 459 | Download | Duration: 00:05:18
Categories: Transformation and Change,Addiction and Recovery,Courage,Writing the Memoir
Melinda, I am only lead to think that you were saved so that you are given a chance to write this book.
5 months to near completion of your first draft shows your dedication and hard work.
Thank you for teaser trailer and I am sure the rest of the book is just as fascinating.
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Jaffer--thank you for stopping by and commenting--I appreciate that. Many people have told me that I was saved to help others and I believe this is true. I know that I can help people if I tell my story. So many people don't believe that addicts can really change and I am proof that they can. There is so little available treatment for those who are as desperate as I was. I hope to be their champion.
Thanks again for stopping by!
Melinda
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Keep it up Melinda. I am sure your book will be inspiring and will be encouraging to those who need it....also a sense of a closer lens looking at this problem. Remember we are made not to be broken but to persevere and overcome. That's how we are made by our Creator.
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Thank you so much for coming by and for your thoughtfu and insightful comments. I agree that we are created to endure and overcome.
Melinda
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You write about some horrible experiences so cleanly, without melodrama. Thank goodness you survived!
I'm looking forward to reading the memoir (though I know it is a long haul to completion). And I'd love to meet up with you if/when you are in the area.
J
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I often feel a little detached when I am actually writing some of these stories--particularly the really tough ones, which I am sure is somewhat of a defense mechanism. It's almost as though I am writing about someone I know well--but who is not me.
Yes, there is such a long haul to completion--the rough draft is very rough! I have written a textbook and I know with that, the real work began when I did the first round of edits.
Melinda
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Brilliant news!
Yes, from concept to completion in six months certainly does demonstrate real commitment and staying power. I'm really happy that you are taking this step. There really is so little help out there.
I'm going to write a review of this blog on BC since your writing really stands out to me here.
It has great clarity, courage and passion, it's intelligent but never patronising...you offer great insights based on some very tough experiences...you are always positive, never self-pitying. I'd love you to succeed with the book. You'll certainly have an early customer here!
Do let me know when you have finished and I'll break out the champagne! Very good luck to you, Melinda. You deserve it.
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Aw Shucks, Geoffrey--you're making me blush! Thank you so much for your kind words--I really appreciate it very much. And there will definitely be much celebration when I have finished with the rough draft (actually the ending of the book is already written--I finished that quite a ways back).
As usual, I appreciate your stopping by Melindaville!
Melinda
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keep it up, its good i like you are writing abppk
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Thank you so much for stopping by to visit my blog--I appreciate it.
Melinda
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It's often enlightening, and sometimes just amazing for me to read Melinda's blog. For the most part, I've heard before about the events she's covering here, but doing so sometimes sheds new light on those events for me. Reading this one, I realize the debt _I_ owe to Tim Calahan. What a great person, to whom I owe so much, and whom I've never met!
In my own life, I almost never find the time to commit to personal kindness outside my own sphere. Oh, sure, I donate to charity, and try to be supportive of the folks around me, but I'm too busy, too focused, and too much within my own center to reach out to strangers as Tim did with Melinda. Of course, he soon became anything but a stranger to her, but that's how it started.
I'm not about to change my current course and switch to a path of reaching out to strangers to help. (Though, surprisingly, a good friend and long-time business associate did just that a few years ago. From being president of a small semiconductor company, he literally jumped out of his space to go back to school, get his masters in social work, and is now a case worker. Pretty amazing change for him, and very surprising for me! With that change, he earned a very different sort of admiration from me.) I'm too much involved in my work, and drawing too much satisfaction from it, to be interested in changing course at this point in my life.
But, reading Melinda's post here sure makes me have to add Tim Calahan to my list of "gratefuls", right up there with Melinda herself.
So, thanks Tim, wherever you are, for saving my baby, and setting such a great course of redemption and renovation into motion. I am very, very, grateful to you!
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My beloved Les--thank you for your thoughtful comment.
I wonder if Tim really understands how many lives he has impacted in such positive ways. Not just my own--but yours as well, as you pointed out. And I am only one of Tim's stories--he has many. He has devoted his life to that cause--just as I will devote mine to a similar one.
The people that I hope to help the most--those who have no one speaking for them--I will be their champion. Tim taught me as much.
Melinda
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