Saying My "Gratefuls"
One of the earliest things I learned in recovery was to be grateful. In fact, the very first night I was in recovery at The Freedom House, Sharon, the housemother, sat on my bed and told me what kept her own resolve for recovery strong was a nightly ritual of saying ‘gratefuls.’ She told me no matter what happened during my day, I should always end my night reflecting on the things I had to be grateful for. Little did I know then what an impact Sharon's message would have on me throughout my recovery.
I clearly remember what I was grateful for that first night. I had been living on the streets for about six months, like a stray cat showing up at various friends’ homes, hoping for a couch or floor where I could sleep peacefully for the night or drifting recklessly through the dangerous night streets, riding city busses because I could find no one to take me in on those nights.
So, that first night, I was grateful I had a warm and safe place to stay. That was all. I wasn’t yet grateful that I had stayed clean for that day because I was still in the process of mourning the loss of drugs (my best friend at that point). In the following months, this would change—and soon, at the top of each grateful list was the gratitude of staying clean another day.
Sharon’s ritual of saying gratefuls became a practice I’ve continued nearly fifteen years later. Way back, on the good and easy days of my early recovery, my list of gratefuls was long and detailed: I was grateful that I had gotten back in touch with my family, I was grateful that I was still alive, or I was grateful that we had not had lima beans that night at dinner. 
Some days, it was so easy to find things to be grateful for.
But there were also bad days, where I was grateful for only one thing—and that was that I made it clean through one more day. During those first few months of recovery, there were times when all I could was to grab the arms of a chair or couch and hold on for dear life—willing myself to not skip out the door to go score drugs. I knew The Freedom House was my last and only hope and if I did leave, I would likely die on the streets. Therefore, on many nights, I would mutter through clenched teeth, "I am grateful I am clean." (even when I didn’t feel it inside). On those nights, when all I could do was to grind out recovery an hour at a time, I still had something to be grateful for.
Every night since that first, I have said my gratefuls. I have never publicly shared my gratefuls but I feel it is important to dedicate this post to some of the people who have been on my grateful radar. I also think it is a good idea to pass along the idea of saying ‘gratefuls’ to others; it is important for all of us to reflect in gratitude.
First, I am grateful for my husband Les, who calms every storm in Melindaville. We shared our first anniversary night before last and when I said my gratefuls that night, I reflected on what an incredible treasure I have in Les. He is my soulmate, my best friend, my dearest confidante, my knight in shining armor, and the love of my life. People have asked me what the greatest accomplishment of my life is. That I have become the type of person that this wonderful man would want to share his life with has been my greatest personal achievement.
I am grateful to my mom, today and always, for never completely losing hope that I would make my way out of the hell of addiction. I am grateful for the opportunity I had in returning to Montana and developing the type of loving, trusting relationship that every mother and daughter should share. My mother has helped me through my incredible journey back every step of the way and I am so grateful for her love and support.
I am grateful for my friends who have stood by me through good times and bad—you know who you are.
I am also grateful to new friends. I am grateful to Weblogian, my friend and a fellow blogger who I met through the wonderful community of the Blog Catalogue. Last week, he asked if he could highlight my blog on his 'Weblogian Socialite Blog' as "Blog of the Week," which happened today. As a new blogger, this was and is such a thrill—it really made my week!
I am grateful to my new friends, Timethief and Jennifer, who I also met through the Blog Catalogue. Both are amazing women whose blogs have touched my own and many others’ hearts. I am grateful to be allowed to share in their journeys, through Timethief’s 'this time~this space'blog and Jennifer’s 'Writing to Survive' blog. I am grateful to them and to the many others I have met in the blogosphere recently. Thank you for helping a new blogger along the way.
My list of gratefuls could take pages (and too much bandwidth!). Countless people have helped me along my journey, some in small ways and some in big; I am grateful for each one who took the time to help a shattered woman put her life back together. I am so grateful that I survived my journey and that I am now able to share it with others in hopes that I might touch them in the same way so many touched me.
Peace,
Melinda
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Categories: Healing,Addiction and Recovery,Transformation and Change,Gratitude
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11/7/2008 9:16 AM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
January 18 is a red-letter day for me every year. It’s not my birthday, nor is it the birthday of my husband or any of my close friends. It’s not my wedding anniversary but it might be even more important to me than that date. January 18, 1994 was the day I entered into treatment at The Freedom House and as such, it is the anniversary of my second chance at life. I doubt anything could be more significant than that. Today, I was reading an interview I gave for Dr. Nicole Sundene ... -
11/7/2008 9:17 AM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
January 18 is a red-letter day for me every year. It’s not my birthday, nor is it the birthday of my husband or any of my close friends. It’s not my wedding anniversary but it might be even more important to me than that date. January 18, 1994 was the day I entered into treatment at The Freedom House and as such, it is the anniversary of my second chance at life. I doubt anything could be more significant than that. Today, I was reading an interview I gave for Dr. Nicole Sundene ... -
12/1/2008 7:32 AM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
Today, a call goes out to the blogosphere so that we can all join as one voice to support the cause, Bloggers Unite for World AIDS Day. In particular, I believe in this cause because it is so dear to me. As an actor and musician living in San Franciscan in the 1980’s, and later as a heroin addict, I knew so many people who acquired HIV—and I lost many friends to that disease, before there were any good treatments and when there was so much fear and (unwarranted) shame about the disease. As ... -
12/1/2008 4:31 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
Today, a call goes out to the blogosphere so that we can all join as one voice to support the cause, Bloggers Unite for World AIDS Day. In particular, I believe in this cause because it is so dear to me. As an actor and musician living in San Franciscan in the 1980’s, and later as a heroin addict, I knew so many people who acquired HIV—and I lost many friends to that disease, before there were any good treatments and when there was so much fear and (unwarranted) shame about the disease. As ... -
12/22/2008 4:56 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
That Last Holiday before entering the Freedom House was something else. Homeless since early summer, I’d lost just about everything; most significantly, I had lost hope. Since Michael’s deadly overdose, I’d pawned everything worth anything for drug money, maxed out credit with friends and dealers, and spent the short, wintry days drifting aimlessly around the city. Somehow, I had become one of ‘them’ – the hollow-eyed strangers whose tragic lives were written starkly on their harshly lined faces. Suicide was a constant thought that Last Holiday. Carefully unwrapping this forbidden thought, I would peek ... -
12/22/2008 5:24 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
That Last Holiday before entering the Freedom House was something else. Homeless since early summer, I’d lost just about everything; most significantly, I had lost hope. Since Michael’s deadly overdose, I’d pawned everything worth anything for drug money, maxed out credit with friends and dealers, and spent the short, wintry days drifting aimlessly around the city. Somehow, I had become one of ‘them’ – the hollow-eyed strangers whose tragic lives were written starkly on their harshly lined faces. Suicide was a constant thought that Last Holiday. Carefully unwrapping this forbidden thought, I would peek ... -
12/22/2008 5:24 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
That Last Holiday before entering the Freedom House was something else. Homeless since early summer, I’d lost just about everything; most significantly, I had lost hope. Since Michael’s deadly overdose, I’d pawned everything worth anything for drug money, maxed out credit with friends and dealers, and spent the short, wintry days drifting aimlessly around the city. Somehow, I had become one of ‘them’ – the hollow-eyed strangers whose tragic lives were written starkly on their harshly lined faces. Suicide was a constant that Last Holiday. Carefully unwrapping this forbidden thought, I would peek inside ... -
12/22/2008 5:29 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
That Last Holiday before entering the Freedom House was something else. Homeless since early summer, I’d lost just about everything; most significantly, I had lost hope. Since Michael’s deadly overdose, I’d pawned everything worth anything for drug money, maxed out credit with friends and dealers, and spent the short, wintry days drifting aimlessly around the city. Somehow, I had become one of ‘them’ – the hollow-eyed strangers whose tragic lives were written starkly on their harshly lined faces. Suicide was a constant that Last Holiday. Carefully unwrapping this forbidden thought, I would peek inside ... -
12/22/2008 5:45 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
That Last Holiday before entering the Freedom House was something else. Homeless since early summer, I’d lost just about everything; most significantly, I had lost hope. Since Michael’s deadly overdose, I’d pawned everything worth anything for drug money, maxed out credit with friends and dealers, and spent the short, wintry days drifting aimlessly around the city. Somehow, I had become one of ‘them’ – the hollow-eyed strangers whose tragic lives were written starkly on their harshly lined faces. Suicide was a constant notion that Last Holiday. Carefully unwrapping this forbidden thought, I would peek ...
Nice blog
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Thank you for stopping by and visiting!
Melinda
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I was just checking in on your blog tonight, and started reading this most recent post. It got me choked up, the simple, basic feeling of being grateful and how sweet it is.
I'm grateful that we've "met," too! timethief was one of my first bc contacts as well. She's wonderful: a caring and deep thinker.
Congratulations on being featured as the Blog of the Week -- I'm off to check that next.
Jennifer
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Thank you so much, Jennifer--I am happy that you enjoyed reading about 'my gratefuls.' One of the best things about that particular ritual is that it keeps me humble and reminds me how important it is to appreciate life.
Melinda
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Acknowledging gratitude brings you smack into the present, helping unwind old tapes and thought-patterns. Lives can change from this practice. Sounds like you're well on the way.
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I really loved the way you wrapped that comment up into a neat little package. I thought you did an outstanding job of summarizing the impact that gratitude can bring about.
Thank you for stopping by and visiting my blog!
Melinda
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To my dear online buddy. We met on blogcatalog, we bonded at first over baseball, but in a short time, we bonded on friendship. Your insight on "gratefuls" is so simple, that it is brilliant.
You writing is wonderful, and I shall always read it. Although the years of pain that you went through is sad, you positive reflections are priceless.
I will always wish happiness on you (except if the Redbirds ever play the Bosox in the Series again).
With love and compassion,
Tommy "RTBjr73" Buettner
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Hi Tommy!
Of course, I remember you well. Thank you so much for visiting my blog and for very thoughtful and kind comments. I really appreciate it so much.
Take care, friend--and I do hope our two teams meet up again soon in the World Series.
Best Regards,
Melinda
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And I am grateful to Melinda for by adding my blog "Guiding Friends" in "Friends of Melindaville" she has really honored me.
Dear sister, It was my dream to see my blog's link on your favourite blog list.
I am really grateful to you for this favour.
As a return to this favour I would like to keep Melinda and Les family and Melindaville deep inside my heart and also in my prayers.
Dear sister, Thank very very much.
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Ibn Hanif,
My dear friend--you are so welcome! I very much appreciate your keeping Melindaville, my husband Les, and me all in your prayers--I know that you are in mine.
Take care, my friend!
Melinda
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