The Woman in the Satchel
When she gave it to me, I immediately opened it up and the first thing I saw was a letter I had written to my mother, begging her to get into treatment. It brought back so many memories of how lost I was that I immediately burst into tears. My reaction surprised me because I hadn’t thought that memories of my past would have such a profound effect on me but it really did. It dredged up so many emotions I had successfully stifled for many years and I just wasn’t ready to go there. I put it away and didn’t open it up again until I started writing this book.
I opened it up again a couple of months ago when I started writing my memoir and this time, I was prepared for what I might find. I knew it would be a Pandora’s Box of emotions and it was. In fact, the first day, I read almost every letter, every journal entry and old poems and allowed myself to feel the emotions that I knew it would inevitably bring forth (and it did). I purposely waited until Les left to go out of town because I knew that the first time I looked through those old memories, I would want to be alone. Afterward, I was sorry I hadn’t had Les right with me because seeing such stark memories of who I was made me feel bad about myself. Not only did I relive the pain I was feeling—but those old letters (especially) also brought back many feelings of shame and guilt. Afterward, I just felt really depressed.
What I found was a huge reminder of the Melinda that used to be and I was not proud of that Melinda. However, it allowed me an insightful view into that Melinda and having access to such a treasure has been extremely important in writing this book. After I was able to forgive myself (again) and read things through more objectively, I found it to be fascinating. It is almost as though you are reading the diary of a person you know very well—but who is not you. Aspects of the person in the satchel do exist today but that Melinda has morphed into a new, stronger, and more able person. It’s almost as though what it is in the satchel are pieces of a mirror’s shattered reflection and that those sharp and jagged pieces were reconstructed into a new Melinda during the process of my recovery; the basic pieces are the same but rearranged to be a stronger, healthier and happier person.
I am very grateful to my mother for holding on to those old memories because some I didn’t even remember.
Some of the poems I wrote in the past were so full of pain, yet others were actually pretty funny! Even with all the destructive behaviors and hopelessness of my former life, I still did have a sense of humor. Here is one particularly funny poem that I wrote that I liked a lot (and normally, I don’t care for much poetry). I think these were actually lyrics to a song I was working on.
in other words, I need you out of my life
(now don’t get offended)
i woke up this morning
to find the cap off the crest
and toothpaste oozing down the sink
again
and dirty dishes piled so high
i could see the roaches running
for their tupperware containers
also
do you know how utterly disgusting it is
to have to pick your pubic hair out of the drain
in the bathtub
and by the way, where’s that fifth of jack daniels
i needed so badly last night
and searched and searched for
only to see it empty and sticking out of one
of the four bags of trash
on the dirty kitchen floor behind which
your stupid cat took a shit
because it probably figured no one would notice
but i did
and it dawned on me
that the sight of your mug every day
is a none too pleasant sight
so why don’t you
just leave
(i hope we can still be friends)
Some of the other poetry is much harder to read—because the pain is simply oozing out of the words. Many of the poems/lyrics, I think will make a nice addition to parts of the book—I do plan on integrating some of the old letters, poetry and lyrics into certain parts of the book because it does offer such a unique glimpse into who I really was in those days.
Writing this memoir has been an interesting process and one that I honestly would recommend to anyone—because it really opens your eyes up to how much we all change as we go through our lives. I am very glad that I have started this journey.
Peace out!
Melinda
Trackbacks
-
10/10/2008 9:58 AM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
I have put my book away for a few days--sometimes, it is good to get a little distance but as I wrote in my last post, I am holding off on writing about my first memory of being sexually abused and the year I spent on the streets the year before I went into treatment. I have taken a few peeks into those dark places but will not write about them until next week, when I am reunited with Les. So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork ... -
10/10/2008 9:36 AM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork and letters that I wrote back in the 1980's.
-
10/10/2008 9:35 AM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork and letters that I wrote back in the 1980's.
-
10/10/2008 9:33 AM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork and letters that I wrote back in the 1980's.
-
9/19/2008 3:11 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
I have put my book away for a few days--sometimes, it is good to get a little distance but as I wrote in my last post, I am holding off on writing about my first memory of being sexually abused and the year I spent on the streets the year before I went into treatment. I have taken a few peeks into those dark places but will not write about them until next week, when I am reunited with Les. So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork ... -
9/19/2008 12:28 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
I have put my book away for a few days--sometimes, it is good to get a little distance but as I wrote in my last post, I am holding off on writing about my first memory of being sexually abused and the year I spent on the streets after Michael died. I have taken a few peeks into those dark places but will not write about them until next week, when I am reunited with Les. So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork and letters that I ... -
10/9/2008 1:45 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
I have put my book away for a few days--sometimes, it is good to get a little distance but as I wrote in my last post, I am holding off on writing about my first memory of being sexually abused and the year I spent on the streets the year before I went into treatment. I have taken a few peeks into those dark places but will not write about them until next week, when I am reunited with Les. So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork ... -
10/6/2008 6:29 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork and letters that I wrote back in the 1980's.
-
9/19/2008 8:11 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
I have put my book away for a few days--sometimes, it is good to get a little distance but as I wrote in my last post, I am holding off on writing about my first memory of being sexually abused and the year I spent on the streets the year before I went into treatment. I have taken a few peeks into those dark places but will not write about them until next week, when I am reunited with Les. So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork ... -
9/19/2008 4:51 PM
The Melindaville Blog wrote:
I have put my book away for a few days--sometimes, it is good to get a little distance but as I wrote in my last post, I am holding off on writing about my first memory of being sexually abused and the year I spent on the streets the year before I went into treatment. I have taken a few peeks into those dark places but will not write about them until next week, when I am reunited with Les. So, during the past few days, I have been going through some old poem, lyrics, artwork ...
One of the best things about Melinda's blog is that it helps us communicate. Even though we're husband & wife, we sometimes don't say everything we ought to to each other.
I'd packed up all those letters and papers in the satchel right after we got back to San Francisco from the Bozeman visit where Melinda's mom dug them out for us. We'd shipped it back to Massachusetts, and I expected that I'd be around when Melinda decided to open it and read it. I didn't realize that she would deliberately wait till I was away to open and read it's contents. I, too, really wish I'd been around when she'd opened it. I am sure that some hugs would have made it a little easier. (Next time...)
Just as Melinda says, she's a very different woman today from the one she was. She's grown so much, and learned so much, and from that punk-rocker-turned junkie, she's become a wonderful, fantastic, educated person. I'm sure she's always been sharp, but with time and the combination of formal school and "school of (really!) hard knocks", she's grown up quite a bit - even if she claims she hasn't done so fully. (Which of us have?)
But, I want to play back for her some of her own thoughts. Melinda isn't any longer the same person she was in the old days. (I think that person would have been pretty hard to get close to, let alone fall in love with. So, I'm very glad she isn't that person any more.)
But, it's clear that the person she once was serves as a necessary precursor to the person she is today. And that person is the love of my life, my soul mate, and the great woman I married. It's OK to forgive yourself for that bad choices and mistakes you made in the past. I've certainly forgiven you. What counts is the person you are today, and the person you're going to be tomorrow.
Amazing how our lives evolve, isn't it?
Reply to this
The way our lives evolve is truly amazing. As I wander through the twists and turns of my life, I am quite amazed by the journey I have been on.
Reply to this